to think I'm not being unreasonable to stop exH collecting DD from school?

[alificent]

ExH and I have a 9 yo DD. The year before last I suggested he collect her from school on his weekends with her so he could have some involvement in her school life as he'd had none so far. He started doing so but would keep her uniform, not read or do homework with her, not return her coat/shoes/lunch box etc. Eventually I had no option (after several warnings) to revert to him collecting her from home at 4 instead.

We went to court earlier this year and they said there's no reason he can't collect from/return to school to minimise conflict because he's still very bitter towards me. I agreed but mentioned what happened last time and he said he would return uniform and ensure homework etc was completed. However, in the past three weekends he's had her he hasn't encouraged her to do her homework, hasn't listened to her read, hasn't practised spellings with her, has kept letters from school which he doesn't need but I do and hasn't told me about them, has kept certificates she wanted to have at home which has left her in tears and has 'forgotten' uniform items twice to instigate having to drop by the next day. Aibu to ask him to do as discussed in court or else revert to collection from home from September?

If the court has ordered a trial it is likely they already have another hearing scedualled

OP, suggest to DD's dad that he gives her back the certificates, and you will make colour photocopies of them for her to keep at his home. The certificates are her property and she can have them at whichever home she wishes. Do the same with any future ones before he gets his hands on the originals, I think DD will now be very wary about what she takes to her dad's in case it doesn't come back. If he won't give them voluntarily, she has every right to just take them.

You know he will never change, and it's true that it isn't any of your business really what he does or not on his contact weekends. He has made it clear that he isn't bothered about helping DD with her schoolwork or even interested. It strikes me that he only motivation he has is to keep DD away from you for two weekends a month. Presumably DD usually likes going, so I would completely step back from trying to involve him in his daughter's school life. Send copies of the letters or get him email ones from the school.

If DD's spelling test scores and standard of reading is good, don't worry about the dad weekends. If they are suffering though, suggest he brings her home a bit earlier on the Sunday so that you can do some then with her. Revert to the picking up from home after school will solve all the uniform, lunchbox, school letter problems.

People who haven't been to court don't necessary realize how high the threshold is for a court to change the status quo.

As a pp said right at the start of the thread, you have to look at the wording of your court order. If it says that this is a trial and is subject to conditions x, y and z, and those conditions haven't been made, you have case for changing it.

If the court order says father picks up from school on Fridays, and the judge just added verbally that this was a trial, your chances of getting this changed at court are very, very low based on your description. If your ex wants to be relieved of the responsibility of this kind of stuff, that's fine, you can reach an agreement. But if he wants to carry on this way, his failings are anywhere near enough to make a court change the arrangements imo.

I think you're potentially making a mountain out of a molehill.

I often forget to send DD to school with stuff and sometimes don't bother with homework.

If my ex wanted to he could make me sound like a terrible parent - thankfully for our DDs sake, he doesn't because I'm not.

*his failings are nowhere near enough

I had this with my EX. He didn't forget stuff or withhold it maliciously but it was sooo frustrating to have be the nag on the phone asking for a school coat, PE kit or whatever that week's forgotten item was brought back.
After a couple of times where he forgot to pick up my DD I cut him out if the equation completely, took over all the achool stuff and he was able to collect her at his leisue anytime after 5pm on a Friday. Less stress all round.
(I get that your EX sounds more of a dick so may not be amenable to this sort of arrangement)

It wouldn't look good for the EXH if he refuses mediation. Not even attempting it makes him look unreasonable. I hope he decides for himself not to continue picking up DD from school. He fulfils the promise to pick her up, but that could be from anywhere, it hasn't made him take an interest in her education or become involved in it.

A court really can't solve these trivial issues. How can a Judge decide who is telling the truth? Are you going to make your daughter or teachers testify against her own father? In come the lawyers and a shit storm is unleashed. Ex's lawyers could say you do homework with her every day so she deserves time off to recover when she is with him. How are you going to prove he is guilty of neglect? Is the daughter being sent home for not wearing uniform once a fortnight? If DD is doing well at school because that will be proof that ex is not harming her education. You really think a Judge will deny a father the right to pick up his daughter from school because you haven't gotten a lunch box back?

When it comes to court its not about who or what is right, its about who have the most expensive lawyer and what can be proved. Ex could start retaliating by wanting more contact, maybe from the thursday, claiming you are just using this to stop him being a full part of DD's life.

Has anyone mentioned that children also tell parents what they want to hear? When with her father she might be saying she wants to keep her certificates there. When with mother she says the opposite, YES it does happen.