to think I'm not being unreasonable to stop exH collecting DD from school?

[alificent]

ExH and I have a 9 yo DD. The year before last I suggested he collect her from school on his weekends with her so he could have some involvement in her school life as he'd had none so far. He started doing so but would keep her uniform, not read or do homework with her, not return her coat/shoes/lunch box etc. Eventually I had no option (after several warnings) to revert to him collecting her from home at 4 instead.

We went to court earlier this year and they said there's no reason he can't collect from/return to school to minimise conflict because he's still very bitter towards me. I agreed but mentioned what happened last time and he said he would return uniform and ensure homework etc was completed. However, in the past three weekends he's had her he hasn't encouraged her to do her homework, hasn't listened to her read, hasn't practised spellings with her, has kept letters from school which he doesn't need but I do and hasn't told me about them, has kept certificates she wanted to have at home which has left her in tears and has 'forgotten' uniform items twice to instigate having to drop by the next day. Aibu to ask him to do as discussed in court or else revert to collection from home from September?

I agree that DD shouldn't have to make up for her dads failings but even if she tried (which she has) she can't because he unpacks things again and purposely withholds things so I have to communicate more with him. I don't think she should be made to change at school etc, it singles her out and isn't fair. He is a 44 year old man and should be capable of getting her back to school appropriately twice per month, if he isn't then he should be held accountable by no longer being able to collect/return her.

he unpacks things again and purposely withholds things so I have to communicate more with him

What a dick!

What's put in place when he doesn't step up should affect him, not his child. She's 9, she wants to pick up her bag and run out of school in a Friday with her friends. Not stand there changing and making sure everything is in the right place and being upset because she won't get her work done.

Lunar, I'm sure everyone agrees with you, but sometimes child and resident parent have to make up for the non resident parent's lack of concern to reduce damage.

For example, my ex had a form for not passing or caring information. Everytime there was a home clothes day, exh will drop DS at school in uniform even if I had handed ex the home clothes the previous day.

Solution: DS and I agreed that he would tell me about non uniform days and that I would leave a change of clothes in school in his peg. DS much prefered to change on arrival than baing the only child uniform all day.

Yes, neither DS and I shouldn't ramming up for exh not giving a shit, but I was not going to put DS through more misery in the expectation his dad should do what wS right, simply put he was never going to do it because he didn't care.

Apologies for the autocorrect... Ramming=Making up

I think the email notifications from school to each parent are an excellent idea, but presumably some letters need a parental signature on a tear off slip i.e. outings.

Given the lack of improvement in your hand over and the insistence of your EX to withhold items of your DD's, I think you are right to return to the original arrangement. If he decides to make a fuss he can tell the judge why he withholds his dd's possessions, keeps school letters to himself, doesn't do any reading or spellings with DD or ensure homework is completed, sends her home with incomplete uniform and often no lunchbox. And then he can justify why a 44 yo man has problems doing what thousands of dads do all the time, successfully.

You have identified why he does a lot of it, to get some sort of response from you. But he can't see that the way he goes about it is hurting his own child. Is there any way you and he can communicate better, without him needing to forget things so as to return with them? I remember that My DS wasn't good at talking about his week with the other parent, which prompted a weekly newsletter between me and his dad, saying what he'd been doing. It was useful to add any upcoming events/holidays/invitations, health concerns, behaviour issues for the other parent's information/action. We also had the letters not reaching home, so I used to pick up two from the school office. Occasionally it was due to DS sticking the letters in his school drawer, and other times it was due to his stepmother (who was later discovered to be a Narcissist) hiding them and blaming me for not passing on the information. She did it in order to stir up trouble between EXH and myself, as she knew he would always believe her and blame me.

If you did instigate a newsletter, you would need to make it crystal clear from the outset that it is purely an exchange of information about and for the benefit of your child, and not a forum to start criticising and abusing the other parent.

You'll drive yourself mad and get very little benefit from it if you are trying to change his character - you can't, through some clever strategy, stop him from being a dickhead who enjoys winding you up more than he cares about his daughter. You can say till you're blue in the face that he "should" do this and that - it won't make him do it.

You can insist on doing the pickups yourself, but if that puts you in breach of the court order and he brings you back to court, don't expect the court to be sympathetic to you for breaching a court order on what it will perceive as minor issues - even if they feel like a big deal to the child in question.

I agree with the posters who say all you can do is minimise the harm, eg. ask the school to ensure you get letters directly, ask to hand homework in on a Tuesday rather than a Monday if your dd needs input (my 8-year old dd never asks me to help with spellings or to hear her read. I don't think it will harm a 9-year too much if she misses out on this every second weekend).

If you present as entirely serene and untroubled by your ex's unpleasantness, it's possible he might put less effort into winding you up.

OP, I suggest you get advice about altering the pick up time for DD, make sure that there is no way he could challenge it. If going back to the original arrangement will benefit DD more than this current one, go for it. If her dad has repeatedly failed to do what is best for his DD, shows no interest in her education and prefers to do what makes things more difficult for you, then as the parent with whom DD is resident almost all the month you have to do what is most practical.

I suspect as DD gets older contact with her dad will change anyway, and he will either have to allow her more homework time on his weekends when she is at secondary school, or see her less, or see her for tea in the week. The secondary school won't be forgiving about not done homework or late handed in.

If he persists in this behaviour that has an ultimate effect on your dd, the I would go down the route of looking into a prohibited steps order through the courts.

Ozwizard, I don't know if you've had a different experience in court than I have, but my experience is that the court would be extremely impatient with anyone raising these minor issues, and would tell both parties to go to mediation and sort it out. I say that as someone who has spent years in and out of court and who was able to reduce dd's contact with her father due to serious child protection concerns.

Hopefully the court will take note that the child has been left in tears due to her fathers unreasonable behaviour in not returning certificates, she has worked hard to achieve this. It has an impact emotionally on her that he chooses to act in this way. Some would see it as a minor but some may see it has having a detrimental effect on the child.

It's really unlikely, Ozwizard.

So if the court order was for a trial of the new arrangement where dad picks up DD from school, how was it left? Is it up to one or other parent to return to court and get it made permanent or changed back to the original where DD is picked up from her home? If the dad refuses outright to do mediation, and continues with his unhelpful behaviour, the OP needs to know that he can't then take her to court himself and insist on some ridiculous contact plan just out of sheer bloody mindedness, making up lies about the OP for revenge.

I don't have much confidence in family courts, I've seen them fail two good parents that I know. (Different families)

I think 9 your DD can take responsibility for homework and making sure her stuff gets back.I at actually a perfect and for her to be stepping up and will help her organisation skills for secondary school.

In separated parents the mantra 'choose your battles' is very wise.Going to court for lunch box return does feel petty as the hostility it creates will have more of a damaging affect on your daughter.

Is there really no way you can resolve this or get around it other than court? The costs will be >1k which buys tons of lunch boxes and spare uniform.

We went to court for dsd and when she was older she asked why..I'm glad it was for a strong reason, such as getting regular time with her.Older children will judge how you behave so both parents always reap what they sow.

I don't get it.

How does your ex picking her up from school rather than home make such a difference to homework and doing spellings? Surely you can't get all that done in the half hour and get her home and changed too?

So it's really the practical stuff like uniform/lunch box. Why don't you pick her up from her dad's and make sure she has everything (I'm assuming he drops her off which is why stuff gets forgotten?).

Shes 9... surely she should be able to take responsibility for her stuff.. maybe she should just leave it all in her bag?

I expect the time it takes for the courts to get involved she will be old enough for it not to matter so much

The reason I suggested her change at school is because you won't change him but you can change what you do. Yes, he shouldn't be a jerk but he is. He should make sure she has her uniform but he doesn't. You can change where he picks up but you may just end up in court arguing again.

Been there got the T-Shirt. Remember you chose him.

Reality is that you have to deal with the father for next 7+ years, your DD will have to learn to cope and children are very good at adapting. If you drag every disagreement into court you will cause so much pain and hurt it will damage your DD, it won't even matter who is right!

You're only talking one weekend every fortnight, you can fit homework in around that until she is old enough to do it without supervision. Its not ideal but thats the cards you're dealt. I dont get the school uniform issue, he picks her up on friday keeps the uniform and sends her to school in what?

Get the school to send all emails to both of you. Make it a non issue, dont turn it into a legal battle.

Many of the responses say that single mums are having the same problem when their dcc go to their father's at the weekend. Did their fathers take any responsibility for any of the myriad of tiny jobs entailed in looking after their cc when they lived with them ? Do any of us believe that these men will change their stripes? The solution as usual will come from the mothers.

Oh, and re the lunchbox - just send her in on Fridays with her lunch in ziplock bags that can be thrown away. No more lost lunchbox.

I'm sure everyone agrees with you, but sometimes child and resident parent have to make up for the non resident parent's lack of concern to reduce damage

Amd there in lays the reason why minor issues can be almost impossible to solve via the courts.

Issue happens but one parent repeatedly minimises the impact/result or picks up the slack leading to their being no problem even when the piss poor parent keeps on causing the same problems.

No court is going to give a shit if you state you race around taking uniform to your kids school because parent 2 cant be arsed to keep track of it because the result is child has uniform, they are going to give a shit about a child repeatedly being sent to school with out uniform or lunch or being excluded from school events because of one parents incompetence

Could she have school dinners on that Friday so she doesn't need to take her lunchbox to school?

Why does it need to go to court again? You were having a trial and it failed. I don't think the op and dd should be picking up the slack here. Some of the suggestions on here so far include
Letting the school know why homework/reading/spellings aren't done and why she doesn't have proper uniform.
Changing at school and repacking her bag, but then dad will hide letters certificates anyway.
Leading to dd changing at school, op picking dd's things up from school, but then how does she get uniform/homework in time for Monday?
Dinners on a Friday instead of pack lunch so she can't sit with her regular friends.
Squashed lunch in a plastic bag as dad can't be trusted with a lunch box.
And finally making a 9 rear old responsible for all this, which would be fine normally, but her dad is actively trying to sabotage her efforts.

All ad this will be anxiety provoking for dd, it won't build character or make her super efficient. It may well give her an anxiety disorder or OCD in the future.

The simplest thing to do would be to collect her Friday, do a bit of homework and drop her off after tea. Then home Sunday early so she can do some more reading/spellings. You can always send a copy of the spelling list then at least you still have it if he won't return it.