Asking my husband to come home from work earlier to help with children

[mathsy]

So DS1 is 3.5 and DS2 is 1.5. My husband has very flexible working hours (can basically be in at any time he wants and leave when he wants). I work 3.5 days a week but have to be in very early. So our arrangement is that he gets the DCs ready and into nursery in the morning. This typically takes 30 mins and then a 5 minute walk to nursery (they have breakfast there). I pick them up, cook tea, give them tea and play with them.

On paper this sounds good. But.....when my husband drops them off at nursery he comes back home, reads the newspaper, goes for a run, has a leisurely breakfast, leisurely shower and gets into work about 10.30. This means he gets in from work about 7.30 (after I've put the kids to bed). So every evening I'm having to do absolutely everything. Their tea, our tea, baths, bedtime, stories, washing up, tidying toys away.

AIBU to ask that my husband stops faffing about in the mornings, gets into work earlier so he can help with evening stuff? I know he does the mornings but I feel like this is a lot less work than I do.

He's doing it deliberately, you have explained to him, and he is doing it anyway. He is actively using your labour so he has a nicer life than you.

No idea what to do about it though.

He is doing this IMO strategically.

Was he around for a time, for bedtimes and THEN switched his hours about started doing things this way I wonder?

This is because in households were both parents work, this is the nightmare bit of the day, in which so much has to get done in a very little amount of time, there is very little fun or quality time, just a series of tasks.

He has sussed this and has mentally decided to abdicate it by extending his hours to cover that time period. It's deliberate and as such is a bit cruel on you

He's being a twat. But will cry foul by pointing out how hard it is to get them out the door in the morning. It is hard, sure, but you're not deliberately choosing not to pull your weight with that, he is.

I'd be tempted to just sort out the children's dinner, bath and bed, and have a quick snack when they eat. Then go out for an exercise class or a run as soon as DH comes in. You can do your dinner the washing up, tidying up together.

I'd go further tbh and feed the kids, bathe them, pyjamas, put your running gear on and be ready when he gets in the door. Say "they're all yours" and off you fuck. You can always add, I've left out x, y, z for our tea if you want to get it started

Fucking hell so his daily parenting literally amounts to dressing his children and a 5 minute walk? Give that man a gold star!

He's taking the piss completely!

If nursery opens at 7.30 is it possible for you to swap? You do morning drop off and just inform him that you will be working late from now on and pick up, dinner, bath and bed is his responsibility?

YANBU, but I'm afraid he sounds like a normal man. My DH and I both work full-time in serious jobs. But obviously it is my job to get home early to look after the kids 4 days out of 5 and take to school at least twice. If I complains he just says we should get more childcare. I don't want more childcare! I want my kids to have a fulfilling relationship with their father!!!!!!!!!

I bet if there is any childless/childfree ppl in his workplace he has probably told them or let them think hes looking after his kids on his flexi time.

In which case he is taking the piss with them as well as you.

YANBU. He's workshy and is unilaterally deciding how you will spend your evenings: doing the tea/bath/bedtime on your own.

But more than that, how can he justify spending only 30mins a day with his own DC when he could spend the evening with them too? When my DC were that age and I worked I pulled all sorts of stunts to spend more time with them. Does he appreciate time with them? What's he like at weekends? Add up all the free time you both get a week. Does it even out?

Am I missing something... The OP only works three and a half days so surely that means she could find some time to do some things for herself during that time. If the DH takes the kids in the morning then she gets one or even two (depending on when her half day is) where she can sleep in.

Maybe I have missed something but if the DH is working full time then I think I would be ok with doing the bedtime routine. It's only two kids so it shouldn't be that difficult. Perhaps the DH could do the nighttime routine at the weekend.

I think I need more details - do you still send the kids to nursery when you aren't at work? What time do you get home from work? If you are starting very early then do you finish early?

'So every evening I'm having to do absolutely everything. Their tea, our tea, baths, bedtime, stories, washing up, tidying toys away.'

What I would do is their tea, baths, bedtime stories and have the 3.5 year old tidy their toys away and help the 18 month old. Everything else can wait until 7:30pm when your DH comes home and he can do half of it. After a month or so drop a hint that dinner at 7:30pm would be so much better but he needs to be home at 6pm to make that happen.

I'm up at 5.30am to get 2 DC out the door on time with breakfast in their bellies (school starts at 7:30am). I proceed to work straight after drop off as do the vast majority of parents. If he has flex working he can use that to get in early and leave early too.

Who does the evening routine on the weekends?

You know this analysing of workload is a recipe for disaster- even considering childcare as workload is a recipe for disaster.

I get home from work about 4.30. And the kids aren't in nursery the 1.5 days I have off, they're at home with me. And doing the evening stuff by myself every night wouldn't be so bad if I knew DH was going to work straight after he dropped the kids off. It's the fact he's getting his own down time in the mornings and I'm never getting any.

I would say you each get 1 day a week to do your thing - so one day he gets to come home/read/paper run after drop-off and work late, one day you get to disappear out the door as soon as he comes home for a coffee/run/walk/whatever, for the same amount of time as he has in mornings. The other three days it's all hands on deck (which will mean more evening time for you both when the dc are in bed).

If he won't go for that, you have a problem.

read paper/run, not read/paper run

Yeah reading all this I think you need to have it out with him. Do it when you're calm, not angry, so it is as constructive as possible. If he doesn't agree to make things more even then I agree with a previous poster that you have a bigger issue with your relationship than just childcare.

As to the poster who said dissecting how jobs are carved up isn't helpful - you only start to do this once it's evident that things are unfairly apportioned, which isn't helpful either. If, overall, both parents pull their weight and are contributing fairly, then there is no issue. But of course the OP is reasonable to address the situation, using mathematical logic to help her, if her husband is choosing to take down time rather than do his fair share. If she didn't do that she'd be accused of wading in without thinking or, shock horror, drip feeding, which we all know deserves a public flogging here on MN.

"You know this analysing of workload is a recipe for disaster- even considering childcare as workload is a recipe for disaster."

Could you explain this a bit more please?

In particular - what kind of disaster?
Also, as childcare is work, relative to going for a run or reading the paper (for instance) - how do you think it should be alternatively considered?

I have a feeling you might mean "this isn't how you get a happy relationship". No. You are right. Nor does working yourself to oblivion while your partner has a nice life that includes personal time and leisure time lead to a happy relationship. This is why I say: I have no suggestions.

Most men are lazy exploitative shits. I know very few women who have effectively dealt with this. I have no suggestions.

Hey maudlin - by disaster I mean unhappy relationship, bickering, fighting etc.

I just don't consider childcare work - it's a privilege to have children and the amount of care given by each parent is not something that should be measured imho. The important thing is that the children are cared for and made to feel wanted. I've witnessed friends and family literally arguing in front of their kids about who's turn it is to run baths or do the bedtime routine - just find it sad that the children's potential take home message is "we're the short straw".

I do all morning and bedtime routines in our house during the week as DH works such long hours but then he's chomping at the bit to be with them at weekends so it all works out.

Jmangel - and you don't think the kids end up thinking "we're the short straw" when their dad can't be bothered to come home and spend time with them cos he'd rather go for a run?

As gorgeous as they are, children are hard work, especially when both parents work and are struggling to find that work-life balance. And in no way should the OP just suck up being left with less leisure time just because her DH has deemed from on high that his needs are more importation than hers. Simmering resentment is also poison for a marriage.

DH works such long hours but then he's chomping at the bit to be with them at weekends so it all works out.

Thats the difference. OPs DH isnt. Its all her.

Jesus Christ.

It's great to have a nice comfortable pace of life. We all should strive for that and for our loved ones to have that. But he's having it very much at your expense. It's not possible to have such a lifestyle when you have small kids. Don't let him do this to you.

JackieandHyde - OP hasn't established what happens at weekends.

I might try another angle..Why don't you suggest you change nursery hours to 9- 5.. He could then do his bit of the childcare in the morning..A bit more money in your pocket and he will realise he loses his big gain.