**Trigger warning - upsetting content** AIBU to be angry with MIL **edited by MNHQ**

[Sparkles07]

Long story and trigger warning.

I don't post on here often but often lurk.

When me daughter was nearly four she made an accusation that Grandad had touched her in her special place and wee'd on her and told her to keep it a secret. Grandad at the time had walked out on his second wife (so not MIL) for another woman and was living with us.
We went to the police and social services. A full investigation took place. Full medical relealed no penetration to daughter. He denied everything, then made up stories about me to social services being an unfit parent. The case never went to court, so he was free to get on with his life. We cut all contact obviously. Been very hard for hubby as you can imagine. He misses his dad and daughters accusation vague enough to leave some doubt at first.

Since then daughter been to counselling where she showed further alarming behaviour indicative of abuse.

3 years on now. We still have no contact. Daughter now nearly 7 and I don't think she remembers the abuse but in the last three years we've had so many instances of inappropriate behaviour, including touching another child inappropriately on a play date, asking to touch other girls privates all the times, being over sexualised, exposing herself as that will help them like her etc etc etc. Hubby and I both now in no doubt that she was abused or at the very least was being very heavily groomed and we stopped it in time. (That's what I pray for)

Ok so onto the AIBU!!

MIL has been through all this with us. She was with us when daughter was interviewed by the police. She was there when police told us they had no doubt in their mind father in law was a person not to be trusted with children, and that he had some nasty but not illegal porn on his laptop, she has seen our tears and my husbands tears. She has been with us every step of the way. But she is still friends with him. He walked out on her for a younger model 17 years ago after many affairs including one with a 17 year old. But she worrys he's lonely so has him round for dinner (MIL is remarried so dinner for three!) they call and text each other and she keeps him up to date on our lives too which makes me feel sick.

Last Christmas she had him and my sister in law round for christmas dinner while we were at home on our own (we always spend Christmas with her normally) but she said we have each other and he has no one. We were around for dinner yesterday and he called when we were there and it just really wound me up!!! Sister in law and all of my husband family have stuck by father in law and cut us off, (sister in law not cut us off but instead keeps asking DH when he's going to get back in touch with dad and telling him how hard life is for dad and how much he misses DH etc) but MIL has tried to stay neutral but it's really not working for us!!

AIBU to be cross she hasn't cut him off??

YANBU please cut contact with this woman.

Having your FIL to her house while you were there without warning you or consulting with you in advance is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Your poor, poor child to have him sprung on her with no warning regardless of her level of recollection of events.

I would feel entirely justified in dropping her like a hot brick. She has chosen her side and actively tried to undermine both of you and her grandchild by forcing unwanted contact on you.

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. What's sadder is that your MIL is very misguided. Initially I was going to post about cutting her out, but I've had a think whilst painting and can offer the following:

1. cut her out of your life - very sad especially as she supported you through the most awful experience any parent could go through.

2. leave things as is, but you get more and more resentful over the contact she has with him.

3. set very clear boundaries with her - sit down and have a 'family meeting' to explain how you feel and that whilst you can't dictate who she does or doesn't talk to /see, you are beyond uncomfortable to have her discuss your family life with him given the circumstances. If she cannot agree then revert to 1).

Don't forget abusers are also manipukators - he is using her for some weird and wider purpose... He wants to remain close with a family he has torn apart??!!?? If you go for 2) or 3) you need to monitor things very carefully. It would not be surprising if in a few months/years you get the 'well he has changed, can grandchild see him?' - this will be his grooming of your MiL to get to what could be his 'end' goal - as an abuser he probably doesn't see that he has done anything wrong especially as he wasn't prosecuted (did I read that bit correctly??).

Personally I would set some boundaries and keep a close eye (no unsupervised contact with MiL etc.) but if that trust is ever broken at least you can say you tried your very hardest.

Sorry this might not help at all xx

" but thinks it's his mum's choice and we need to just accept it. She is the only member of family he really has now"

It is her choice & no, you don't have to accept it.

She's not the only family member he has you & his daughter-who has been betrayed by the whole bastard lot of his "family" including his mum now.

No GPs is infinitely better that shit ones.

As awful as it is, threads like this make me almost glad that both myself and DH had awful abusers blighting our childhoods, because we know to cut evil out of our lives.

I think diddl has said it all really.

Your dd needs help asap your mil is not the best person to confide in use the money to get your child help that poor girl is damaged she is being blamed for what he did to her

MIL knows DD is scared of him and I believe she would never risk them coming in contact again.

In the same way that you stood up for your daughter, believed her and went to the authorities knowing there would be such huge repercussions, be strong again now and see that it's too much of a risk to just hope for the best re: MIL allowing some form of contact.

She clearly either isn't completely convinced about his guilt - or is able to set it aside in her mind with regards to going forward. Which she has freely admitted to with: '' i keep the two things separate in my head.''. If she is able to set this aside in he mind then it's not possible to trust her to keep DD safe.

And yes what Didl said

OMG how awful - I can see from your DH point of view why he doesnt want to push his mum away but your DD is his main priority. How will she feel in years to come when she finds all this out. Normally I am not one to say lay down ultimatums but in these circumstances your DHs mum needs to understand it is either her abusive ex or her son and grandaughter. Most abusers are very controlling and he is still controlling his grandaughter through your MIL (as well as controlling MIL and undoubtably his daughter). Your MIL needs professional help to get this controlling peadophile out of her life.

I think loveowls has made a really good point about MiL getting some independent advice as well - if she went to a family mediation session the mediator would tell her in no uncertain terms that this is non-negotiable. Maybe then she would listen.

It must be difficult for your husband, but at the end of the day this isn't about him it's about your daughter.

What she has been through, is still going through & needing help with.

Him being NC as an adult with his parents and siblings pales into insignificance compared to what his daughter is dealing with.

He needs to get completely in her corner.

Something like this, everyone needs to take their side. You cant sit on the fence like MIL or SIL. It is not good for your DD to be around them if they continue to gloss over her abuse like this. Please ask your DH to read my post.

I've been your DD. My parents were told by the GP that I'd forget the abuse because it hadn't yet progressed to rape and then they chose to not take it any further - either through therapy for me or going to the police about the abuser.

I never forgot - not one bit - and it caused me a lot of hurt as a child and as an adult when I realised that my parents chose the easy life at the expense of my mental health. I still sometimes struggle with it and I'm in my forties now.

My parents sitting on the fence over my abuse traumatised me more than the actual abuse. When I was old enough to understand it felt like an absolute betrayal to me. If the people who were supposed to protect me had explained to that little 4 year old me that the Bad Man was in trouble with the police, or if they brought me to someone nice to explain why it was not my fault, I could have healed. Instead I miserably carried it through my childhood, unravelled in my teens, fell apart in my twenties and did a shitload of therapy in my thirties. Only now can I feel at peace and know that I was not to blame.

To a child, that kind of fence sitting is akin to telling them that you don't really believe them. Don't let your daughter grow up with her grandmother and aunt telling her this, telling her she is not worthy of standing up to evil for. She deserves so much more from her grandmother and aunt.

You know how difficult I find it to make the two ideas juxtapose

Really and your DH thinks you're U.
FFS. I'd be NC with her, you can't trust her. I'd also be ringing SS regarding Sil.
I think your MIL will do what ever she wants.

Its not even just about this little girls physical safety its her emotional safety too having this family/woman in her life isnt helping her atm is it?

What a brave post Blue and a very clear message.

YANBU at all.

Is it some sort of Stockholm Syndrome with your MIL where she can't really process how horrifically awful he is? Or is she a total people pleaser?

Thank you all so much for baking me up and telling me I am completely NBU, and in fact am probably being too reasonable. I will think long and hard about what you've all said. Thank you.

DD will be ok, it's a hard line to walk, but I'm determined to be her champion and support her in everything she does and every step she takes towards recovery

I will never ever understand women like this! A relative of mine found out her DH was a paedophile. She left him straight away with all her children. As it should be.

Paedo's own DD visited him as an adult, with her DCs although she admitted she would never leave them alone with him. She wanted some inheritence when he died. She didn't get it.

DH's relative, abused by her dad. The mother did nothing, DH's relative took her children to see him until he died.

I was abused. His side was taken and he was believed despite the fact I had been in their lives much longer and they know me and should have known it was never something I would lie about.

This attitude disgusts me so much. I don't think I could be around your MIL at all. She is minimising it and putting his feelings above her own DGD, how can she do that. I'd also make it quite clear that he is to be told nothing about any of you, your names aren't even to be mentioned to him and you never want him brought up to you again. That's if you even see them, which I wouldn't tbh. I also wouldn't trust your MIL not to let him around if your DD is there. She would be the type to do it and say she just won't leave them alone. Please don't think just because she has seen that your DD is scared of him that she wouldn't allow him in her company. She's already shown that his feelings matter more than your DDs.

What a terrible situation. Your DH should be right on board with you fgs. This is his daughter!

I can concur with blue's post. I was a lot older but I've never forgotten the reaction of people around me, or lack of tbh. I felt very much on my own with it. It was one of those things that must never be mentioned and never was again after I disclosed and had to deal with it all on my own as I fell apart at school and the school had to report it. 19 years later I still haven't dealt with it and I still cannot understand why no one around me actually did anything, showed anger, got mad at him, asked me how I was doing, suggesting I talk to someone. Nothing. Typical for my family though, let's Bury our heads in the sand and pretend it isn't happening. I told them I was self harming (massive cry for help) and just got "ooo, you shouldn't do that" and that was literally it.

You are an amazing mum to your DD OP and your actions now will have such a positive impact on her as she grows up and on her mental health. But please know it's ok to not expose her to MIL and it's yet another way of you protecting her. Your DH really needs to understand this. I feel very very let down by every single person that did nothing to help me and they are all the ones who care about me the most.

sparkles regarding your second post, I agree with PP that your MIL is being groomed by him. So as she is, then he will slowly manipulate her into agreeing that he has contact with your DD behind your back.

You simply cannot trust her. You are not being unreasonable and contact needs to stop. Your DH needs to stop thinking of himself (I appreciate how hard it is) and begin to put his DD's needs first.

As an aside have you contacted the NSPCC? I ask as they maybe able to put you in touch with therapists that work with abused children, because it's obvious that this is still effecting her. Also, it probably would a good idea for you and your DH to have therapy yourselves.

I would also ask to meet with the HT and maybe the senco and ask how they will support your daughter. I assume that they are aware of the abuse?

MIL knows DD is scared of him and I believe she would never risk them coming in contact again.

But if she is as weak as she sounds then she may be persuaded to. Please don't ever leave your little girl alone with her because I don't think she can be trusted not to let the GD near your DD.

You need to give her an ultimatum - her ex or your dd, and then it is her choice, if she chooses him then cut all contact with her. end of.