Am I being selfish breaking the family up?

[viviennewestood]

I've just officially ended my relationship with dd's dad. I could have settled and never been fully happy (even though he says I'll never be happy with anyone because I won't let myself be) but I'm 26 and I think I deserve better.

Our dd is almost two and the main reason holding me back from ending things sooner was because I wanted her to have an unbroken family with parents who live together and are happy with each other but I just can't do it.

He's a decent guy, would never cheat on me or hurt me, but we clash and most of the time we don't get along. We have very different levels of maturity and have different senses of humour.

I can't help feeling guilty about making this decision in terms of how it will affect dd but I have to think about my own happiness and if I'm unhappy then she'll surely resent me for not changing things when I had the chance to?

The final straw was this morning. Last night I went out for the first time in months with my friends and this morning he 'let me' stay in bed and took dd out so that I 'didn't have to look after her' - he said I'm this in response to me asking him how he tries to make the effort with me and our relationship.

I need the brutal honesty of AIBU today.

I see this from both sides.

On the one hand, life's too short to be unhappy.

On the other, please be aware that your DP/ExDP will be likely to get regular access to your DD, probably at least every other weekend. This would mean him having her staying overnight with him 1-2 nights, and travelling may well need to be split (for example, you would drop DD off with him on Fri/Sat, and he drops her back on Sun - or you meet halfway both times). Not reasons not to split up, but things you need to bear in mind when you do, it won't simply be a case of him seeing DD for a few hours once a week (unless that's all he wants).

Just picking up on this comment of his that you're obsessed with her...have you regularly allowed him to do things with your DD since she was born, given them time alone etc? I say this only because I can think of at least one family I know where the dad really wanted to do more with their baby, but mum was very much 'she'll cry, let me do X' 'you're doing that wrong, I'll take over' etc, meaning he ended up doing housework, cooking etc and she was solely responsible for the baby, resulting in dad and baby having a very limited relationship, which made things difficult when the parents split up a few years later. You may well be nothing like this, and your DP's just being an arse, but just another viewpoint.

You don't need the approval of strangers to make choices about your personal relationships. There are many things you can do to mitigate the stresses to a child of parental break up, as pp have mentioned such as communicating well.
But it will affect her, so its important to be aware of that and to listen to her thoughts and feelings.
Also, just because a child is too young to "remember" something, does not mean that they are not affected by it. Serious domestic disharmony in the early months and years has a significant negative impact on a person.
Good luck with everything.

No OP, you aren't selfish at all. I wish I had the courage to leave, I feel the same way you do except I'm 3 years younger. I hope one day I will have the courage to leave but after 7 years together I don't remember what it's like to live without my other half. Plus my daughter is so happy with mummy and daddy, we never really argue and he's a loving placid person, for someone else. I have no reason to leave other than I feel like there is something else out there for me. YANBU at all. Do what makes you happy, children will adjust so easily at that age. I wish you the best of luck

There hasn't been 'serious domestic disharmony' but I know there will be questions when she's older as to why we don't live together like other children's parents etc. I know that he'll always be in my life and I'm more than happy for him to have contact with dd but overnight stays will have to wait until he gets his own place. I really hope we can get along for all of our sakes.

I don't regret my decision one bit. I think I'll feel lonely at the weekend for a while but I need to find a way of filling my time and enjoying myself again.

OP, it sounds as though you will both have regrets in ending your relationship.
It will negatively affect your daughter
It will probably make you tireder, poorer and less free
You have been through a lot of life changes in the last few years at quite a young age, it also sounds as though your partner has been struggling with family life, work and responsibility.
Would it be worth engaging in some couples counselling? Even if you split, having space to understand each other and know you have given it your 'best shot' will not be wasted. You say there are things that irritate you about being with your partner, but you will surprised how many things still irritate you as a lone parent.

missy I disagree.

I'm almost certain I won't regret it. I'll never be as happy as I think I can be if I stayed with him and I think he would just be staying with me for convenience to be honest.

I already do the majority of the parenting so I couldn't possibly be more tired than I already am. Now he will be taking dd out at the weekend instead of being here then I will have time to myself then. Financially I'll be just as I am now so that's not a concern.

My concern is that I'm being selfish by being the one to finally call it a day, but I know that in the long term it's what's best for all of us. I grew up with parents who stayed together for the kids and I would have much preferred it if they had gone their separate ways and found happiness elsewhere.

I want love and affection from a partner, I want to feel like he respects me and appreciates me. I know he loves me but I think the love is more to do with me being dd's mum than anything else. I know he'll find happiness with someone else, someone who can be ok with his sense of humour and lack of maturity. The last time I had a serious conversation with him was when my mum died and even then he was making awkward inappropriate comments. It can't work.

I left my H when dd was 21. She said she always knew I stayed with her father for her sake and said she wishes I hadn't, because she knew I wanted out and she felt guilty thinking she was stopping me.

In hindsight I wish I'd left when dd was a lot lot younger. I look back with nothing but regret. I thought my dd hadn't noticed I didn't love her father (she did notice though) and that she didn't know how sad/lonely etc I was (she did).

Also her father went on to get more distant and I think it did damage her idea of what a healthy relationship consisted of.

I don't care what books say here. Each case is different and each couple and each child is different. There is no, one size fits all imo. If you are unhappy and things don't improve, then I think that's not a good environment for children to grow up in. Much better one content parent, than two discontent or quietly antagonistic (in my case) ones.

Apintofharp

The study wasn't based on asking people questions on "what might have been".

It was based on taking a fairly large sample of people from similar backgrounds, and, over 25 years, seeing how well those people did in terms of things like educational attainment, sustaining long term relationships, building a career.

I do agree with PP who say that the pitfalls of relationship break up for children aren't inevitable. There are ways to mitigate some of the effects. As long as you aware of those risks and accept that you have to take appropriate action to remedy the situation.

It is also about being realistic as to whether it is possible for one parent to mitigate those effects on their own.

In this case, it wasn't the OP who split up the family home, so it wasn't a case of her being selfish. Her ex-partner was the selfish one. It is always going to be difficult to get a selfish partner to take responsibility- either within a relationship or for the children who arose from the relationship. Better to know what potential hazards you face in advance.

Fair point Raar... I don't think I explained myself particularly well. I'm pretty sensitive at the minute about my situation and, like you say, could well be trying to over-mitigate if that makes sense.
He fucked up and has admitted as much. I hate the thought that they might unduly suffer because of it.
Hope you're ok OP.

My parents stayed together, despite being very clearly unhappy. My siblings and I lived through this misery, the temporary separations that sadly were just temporary, the fighting, using us as pawns in their fights, the anger, the atmosphere, the never doing anything as a family because my mum wouldn't take us anywhere without our dad and he didn't want to spend the day with her/us. They finally divorced when I was 19 or so and I wish they'd done it years earlier and spared us from the misery, I'd say it contributes massively to the dysfunctional relationships my siblings and I have all had since, of course my parents both remarried and are now perfectly happy with no concern about the effects their choices had on us.

As a child, my parents marriage was horrific. No physical abuse, but almost daily arguments followed by weeks of them not even acknowledging each other. It was a horrible, sad time. I wholeheartedly wish they had separated and been two, happy single parents. So from my point of view, if that makes you happy then your child will be happy.

Hi,

I'm going through the exact same thing I feel awful and I'm so scared about what is going to happen but I've been unhappy for so long!
We don't even argue anymore we have just avoided each other for months. I feel like we both resent each other as we are the reason for each other's unhappiness.
We've got a 3 yo and I'm trying to do what's best for very one but she already picks up on mummy and daddy don't cuddle etc I know it's the right thing to do but it's so scary!
hope your doing okay if your not happy your doing the right thing no one deserves to be miserable

I did some fairly high level academic research into some of these supposed studies and frankly the data was nuts...........Asking people how they thought their lives might have turned out differently is hardly solid data it's incredibly subjective. It's like a woman saying "If I hadn't had kids I could have gone to university and become a rocket scientist" Well yes she might......but equally there are many other outcomes between SAHM and rocket scientist.

Most people who seperate when they are fairly young with children themselves go on to create new family units with new partners and often more children something that these kind of studies often ignore . Most kids of parents who should have but didn't seperate can't imagine a happier family dynamic and just make the best of the cards they were dealt .

You really can't say with certainty what choices you'll make at those sliding doors moments and what the consequences will be unless you've actually lived them.

Thanks for that, trafalgar. I must say I thought the data looked ... empirically weak. I like "nuts" from someone who's actually parsed it!

My parents finally divorced when I was in my early 20s.
Despite not being abusive it was a really unomfortable situation to live in; people being either really passively aggressively 'off' with each other, not talking, lots of sighing and eyerolling or almost Victorian in nature. I.e we had to all sit in the lounge in the evening because that was 'what families do' but my parents wouldnt speak to each other.
When they finally announced their divorce they were genuinely surprised that my.siste and I weren't shocked. My mum was surprised when i said that we had decided who we would live with /when/ they split up when we were in year 4 and 6.

YANBU. Its not selfish to want to be happy and fulfilled with your partner. And children can always tell when their parent's relationship isn't happy.

tragslfargal thank you for your post. It's what I was trying to convey but made a hash of.

It's given me some hope