Am I being selfish breaking the family up?

[viviennewestood]

I've just officially ended my relationship with dd's dad. I could have settled and never been fully happy (even though he says I'll never be happy with anyone because I won't let myself be) but I'm 26 and I think I deserve better.

Our dd is almost two and the main reason holding me back from ending things sooner was because I wanted her to have an unbroken family with parents who live together and are happy with each other but I just can't do it.

He's a decent guy, would never cheat on me or hurt me, but we clash and most of the time we don't get along. We have very different levels of maturity and have different senses of humour.

I can't help feeling guilty about making this decision in terms of how it will affect dd but I have to think about my own happiness and if I'm unhappy then she'll surely resent me for not changing things when I had the chance to?

The final straw was this morning. Last night I went out for the first time in months with my friends and this morning he 'let me' stay in bed and took dd out so that I 'didn't have to look after her' - he said I'm this in response to me asking him how he tries to make the effort with me and our relationship.

I need the brutal honesty of AIBU today.

Is your life happy outwith the home - work etc.

Do you have a social life?

Just wondering if it isn't just DP but also other things which are getting you down.

OP being in an unhappy relationship is not good for you and it won't be good for your DD neither.

I can't believe he thought it was okay or nomal to speak to you like that after you'd lost your Mother,of course you were depressed the bloody idiot.I lost my Mum just over 2 years ago and the pain has been horrendous but my DH has been amazing and he was mourning too,my Mum was like his Mum to him.But he only ever worried about me and our 5DC and how we were coping.

The way he's talked about you being depressed and talking about looking after his own Daughter like he's doing you a favour is not good.

The fact that he's moved out as well and made no attempts from what you've said to have you all living back together neither.It won't be as difficult OP compared to ending it and you were still living together.

I split up with my ex husband when my 2DS were 4 and 2,neither of them can remember living with they're Father.I re married and I now have 5DC and as far as my Husband is concerned they're all his children and they all call him Dad.My ex wasn't good when I was with him with the children and that didn't change afterwards.So for them nothings really changed,they can only remember living with me and then living with me and they're Dad,my DH.

The reality is the relationship ended when he moved out. What you now need to do is formalise this, get co-parenting and maintenance sorted.

So, he moved out months ago, goes "home" every weekend (?), and babysits to help you.
What a catch.

YADNBU.

Separating will be the same for you, except for sex.

If he wanted to be with you why hasn't he found accommodation for the entire family near his work, or discussed it with you?

My best guess is that he IS cheating on you regularly. Which is why he moved out.

Why did you choose to have a child with this man OP?

You do have to treasure these pearls of wisdom.

Raar although I think that's an interesting book, I wouldn't base my own personal decision on it. What it does well is highlight that the effects of divorce can go on down the line into adulthood and affect the ability to have relationship. However, it can't predict who will be affected and who not- I have divorced parents (thank goodness in my case, very happy this was the case) and have a good stable marriage. I don't think I would have benefitted personally from them staying together, and I wouldn't want my mum to have sacrificed herself to stay together on some imagined future in which I turn out 'better' in terms of relationships, as she also has her life to lead, we only get one shot on this earth!

OP, it seems like you have split up anyway in terms of where you live, and it seems like it would be best to stabilise your co-parenting and living arrangements from that basis.

Yesterday I told him that from now on he would have to take dd out on the weekend and spend quality time with her and then drive home the same night. He argued that it would cost a lot of money in fuel now that he can't stay at my house overnight but that's not my problem. Up until now he's been happy to laze around my house 'looking after' dd while I'm there doing most of the work. I think it's best that dd has clear boundaries on the time she spends with me and him. If she sees us still spending weekends together it would hurt her much more in the future. I think he'd be happy to carry on staying over on the weekends and carrying on this half relationship.

I think you have done the right thing. He is basically letting you do all the parenting, provide the accommodation, but without the closeness of being a couple. He is not necessarily a bad person for doing this,and perhaps it suited him, but I think it will be better to formally separate and move on with your lives, hopefully he will come every weekend and you can make arrangements for contact that suit you both. He doesn't live that far away, so really it shouldn't be a huge issue.

Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it. Cheeky git, you are well rid.
Make sure you get your keys back off him.

BE strong OP. Know that the outcome of a divorce/separation will be strongly influenced by how you behave with your child and your ex.

I'm further down the line in this process and have worked so hard to be outwardly supportive re exDH to my DC.

I refuse to accept any kind of study that states absolutes in terms of the negative affect on children and their futures. I believe the issue is that questions are being asked on unknowns. People are being asked to summise/guess/assume what direction their lives would have taken had their parents not separated/divorced. Impossible to answer definitively, I believe.

I do realise that I'm in a reasonably amicable situation but ive also had to work ridiculously hard to make it so.

hopefully you get the gist of what I mean .... not sure I do?!

Yes it's a very long game co-parenting. Always if possible keep it amicable, massively encourage that he takes and active part in DDs life, and get maintenance. Don't think of DD as pay per view though. Ideally if he is a good person he can learn to become an active involved dad.
Tbh I think he has already left you to cope alone so I don't think you are splitting the family up at all.

OP, he wants to remain with this half relationship because it suits him. Not you or DD, although she benefits from seeing him. He can't move out and expect everything to revolve around whether he can afford the petrol or not. I agree that now he's decided he is definitely not in this relationship, you have every right to say that you want to change the arrangements for contact with DD, that he no longer stays at your home and will therefore need to make much more of an effort with DD rather than lazing around.

I'm all for maintaining a good working parenting relationship, but I think by now you would know whether the relationship between you and DD's dad was worth saving. He seems to be enjoying his bachelor life with his mates. For your sake, I think things need to change. As PP's have said, formalise maintenance, contact, the home, get his name off bills/tenancy etc. if not already done. He moves all his personal stuff out (I bet there is loads still hanging around) He finds somewhere to live permanently between your home and his work which will provide a base for when DD stays overnight when she's older and will shorten the journey time for him.

No, I think it can be more selfish to stay together if there is going to be arguing, fighting. It will have less impact at this age than it would when they were older and more aware.

I bet he brings you a bag of dirty washing to sort out while he plays with dd, too. He is a cheeky git. He's moved out but comes back for a play with dd, sex and a few hot meals then buggers off for you to carry on the real work of parenting.

You are only formalising the end of a relationship which was over anyway whilst he took the piss. Arrange proper access and make him act like a real parent.

So the Meade is "stay in an unhappy marriage because science says it won't fuck your kids up as much"?

Awesome just what I needed to read...

Actually, that book is based on research that's at least 15 and in some cases more than 20 years old.

More recent research is more nuanced. They take into account the impact of abandonment or prolonged absence by one parent, poverty arising from separation and divorce, and the ability of the parents to communicate well.

Once those factors are taken into account, the differences in outcome between the children of divorced/separated parents and the children of parents who remain together are very much reduced. Indeed, the children who come out worst are those that come from families where the parents are still together but locked in conflict.

More recent research is more nuanced. They take into account the impact of abandonment or prolonged absence by one parent, poverty arising from separation and divorce, and the ability of the parents to communicate well.

Oh, and also society looking down on the children of divorced/separated parents - hopefully something that's hardly a factor nowadays, but sadly was 40 years ago when some of the studies quoted in the book started.

From my experience (I'm quite old!) the younger the child is when parents split the easier it is for them to adjust.
The fall out when parents split when there are teenagers involved is immense, compared to young children

Interestingly, this study (from 2015) found that the parents' ability to communicate well (i.e. be socially supportive, communicatively competent, children felt less caught between them) is by far the most important factor.

"The results... revealed that parents’ marital status and the age of the child were important in determining differences in children’s physiological response and recovery patterns only when parents were less communicatively skilled" [my emphasis]

This is really embarrassing to admit but he actually does bring his washing back every weekend because apparently the one he shares with his friends makes his clothes smell. I've been such a mug.

Oops - italics fail.

...parents’ marital status and the age of the child were important in determining differences in children’s physiological response and recovery patterns only when parents were less communicatively skilled...

Yay, vivienne, you've done the right thing!

I agree with every word of your post this morning, particularly about boundaries.

No matter what some study shows - and all studies are biased to some extent; how did they measure the adult children's happiness, for instance? - one important part of parenting is to demonstrate the standards by which we measure our relationships. Now you've started teaching DD how we determine what people contribute to our lives, and how to set limits accordingly. Well done

You really deserve much more kindness, by the way.
It's much easier to give kindness to yourself than to put up with indifference.

He is a good dad but becomes very lazy and let's me do all of the work. It needs to stop

I think many would say this was the case with their partner, and not lifting his eyes from his phone - well those that do lift their eyes are in the minority imo nowadays (and I include myself in this)

He isn't pulling his weight or being supportive of you but I wouldn't want to jump on the LTB bandwagon, especially when you have recently gone through a life changing bereavement. You need time to recover. Change things to suit yourself but divorcing doesn't mean he disappears, you will continue to have dealings with him for ever. I would hesitate before making this decision and give it more time.

Oh vivienne [anger]

That stops NOW, of course?

Yeah it stops now. I've been letting him treat my house like a hotel while he pretends to still care about what was left of our relationship and I've been a fool. He'll tell me otherwise and tells me that I'll never find anyone like him who will put up with everything we've been through (my grief and depression he means).