Sleeping arrangements

[Sherlock35]

Reposting this after a name change fail...

There is a long waffly story behind this but basically, my husband and I no longer share a bedroom. He sleeps in the living room either on the sofa or on the floor. He has health problems and is going to be having gastric surgery for them later on this year. We have three bedrooms upstairs and my son and daughter each have their own, as do I. My son has a diagnosis of autism and has a special bed in his room for safety reasons which we can't move.

I've asked my husband to leave several times and he refuses to go. My daughter has just told me that her dad has said that he wants to sleep in her room and she thinks he'll sleep on the floor. She is 9 years old. I am not comfortable with this AT ALL. I think she needs her own space and I think he needs to be a grown up and sort out his own living situation or at least pay for a sofa bed downstairs. AIBU to ask him not to move in the

He falls asleep all the time. Has done for years. It's down to his sleep apnea. But then he won't use the machine that's supposed to help him with it

While I think YANBU (I had to share a bedroom with my mum until I was 10, and it has left me with a lifelong revulsion of snoring, among other things), I just wanted to point out that persistent apnea is probably causing your husband to be extremely tired, and probably not able to think clearly or control his eating (just like new parents, who live in a fog for the first few months due to sleep deprivation). Can you or healthcare professionals tackle why he won't use his CPAP? It might help him begin some positive changes in his life. In the meantime, to you for coping with all this.

I cannot begin to tell you how awful sleep apnoea is!
I don't get why you think you have more right to the bedroom than he does?

I don't see the problem - taken as a Q on its own - with a dad sharing a room with his 9 yo daughter.

It's not a long term option, and I suspect you are concerned it will take the pressure off him to sort out proper sleeping arrangements. But I don't see anything "icky" with it per se

You are not being unreasonable at all.
No he shouldn't be sharing a room with his daughter. It's not good for her and she does need her space. She needs good quality sleep for school and her own well-being.
It seems perfectly reasonable to tell him to buy a sofa-bed if he can't move out. If he chooses not to use his CPAP then it is not your responsibility to do anything about that.

Really? You need to sort your shit out.

Can he afford a sofa bed? Where does your money come from? I'm guessing if you work ft, then he is contributing through childcare?

My DDs would have hated sharing a room with their father, and there are similar circumstances so I understand.

It's not up to you to rescue this man, you are not his parent and you no longer want to be his partner, obviously you're trying to behave reasonably but I can see its getting you no where.

Get a sofa bed then get a solicitor.

You need to see a solicitor and find out what his share of the house is likely to be and how you can get him to leave.

I work part time. In my previous job, I had some flexibility with hours so I did all the pick ups and drop offs. I now work till 5pm three days a week. I have been paying for breakfast and after school club for those days and he would pick them up at 6pm and take them home. I can't really afford it now so he picks them up and brings them home. But that's pretty much it. He occasionally makes dinner that no one wants to eat but that's all the childcare he does

Wait until he's out, change the locks, bag his suff and put in garden. After you've done that contact a solicitor. You can't continue with current arrangements and nor can your kids.

Regardless of the bizarre sleeping arrangements, you need to sort this out for your children. What a toxic environment theyre living in! A father so obese and unhealthy he has breathing problems and is dossing on the living room floor, a mother who is completely apathetic toward him..
It all sounds really really shit and depressing.

Your daughter "thinks he'll sleep on the floor"? It sounds more as if he is demanding that she gives up her room for him. That's not fair on her. I agree with pp, get a sofa bed sorted as a short term solution and take legal advice from a good family lawyer as a long term one. Obviously he will need a bed for when he is recovering after his surgery, so it seems as if time is of the essence here in getting something sorted.

If the roles were reversed here and the woman was morbidly obese with sleep apnea and had moved /or been moved out of the marital bedroom to sleep on the floor, the posters on this thread would be up in arms at the appalling behaviour of a husband towards his sick and disabled wife. Morbid obesity almost always has a number of health related issues not to mention the incredible high instances of mental health problems. Depression is also another factor. You do sound completely fed up with him OP ,although it seems like he is actually doing something to sort himself out at last.

As for the main question, sleeping with your daughter is not ideal as his sleep apnea and the machine if he uses it , will keep her awake. Best solution is for you to buy a sofa bed and take turns. You have no more right to the bedroom than he does. A 'marital asset ' is a marital asset, you cannot opt out of it any more than a man can demand more of the house because a wife has been a sahm. You both have exact equal rights. If the marriage is unsalvageable then get going with a dvorce ASAP. Until,you do, he is legally and morally aloud todo so .

YANBU. Obviously a mentally ill, morbidly obese father who is awake or snoring most of the night cannot sleep with his daughter.

Have you thought of self referring to social services for family support? Seen a lawyer about rights,to your home vis a vis a dowry? Do your family support you? Have there been instances of emotional abuse?

Only after all the above has been bottomed out o I think you can begin to move forward.

It sounds as though you have had a tough time and this needs to be resolved but you might have to accept a smaller home so he can have a bedsit. That might involve ou and your dd sharing anyway.

Your daughter is entitled to her space and it is completely inappropriate for him to share her room. The dynamic is all wrong. He should be supporting her need for space not violating it.

If he is going to sleep on the floor - he could sleep on the floor in your bedroom possibly?

YANBU - it wouldn't be for a bit, make it easy for him and it'll be years your dd has to put up with him there.

Can you speak to his family, say you are splitting up and he needs to move out, can he move in with them for "a short while" - once he's out it'll make things a lot easier.

Get to a solicitor and get the divorce moving. You have a child with Disabilities needing the house amended, it's not on for him to force you out and unlikely that any court would order you to sell up. Could you buy him out? If you could raise a lump sum that would cover some of his equity and offer that to go, if he's got nothing he might take it. (I know some pensioners who've recently given their dd her inheritance early to buy out a feckless son-in-law, similarly there were v good reasons for her to stay in the house rather than sell up and buy something else, would your parents be prepared to help?)

I have to say I've never seen such sympathy on any thread on Mumsnet for someone who is morbidly obese and doesn't work. Surely OP's husband is playing her, she works, she provides housing and he hangs around?!

Does he have any good points OP, why did you marry him and have 2 children?

What has the husband started to do to help himself? He won't use the machine, he won't sort himself out a suitable bed, he won't make arrangements to move out.

Op yanbu at all!