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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

69 replies

Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 20:35

Reposting this after a name change fail...

There is a long waffly story behind this but basically, my husband and I no longer share a bedroom. He sleeps in the living room either on the sofa or on the floor. He has health problems and is going to be having gastric surgery for them later on this year. We have three bedrooms upstairs and my son and daughter each have their own, as do I. My son has a diagnosis of autism and has a special bed in his room for safety reasons which we can't move.

I've asked my husband to leave several times and he refuses to go. My daughter has just told me that her dad has said that he wants to sleep in her room and she thinks he'll sleep on the floor. She is 9 years old. I am not comfortable with this AT ALL. I think she needs her own space and I think he needs to be a grown up and sort out his own living situation or at least pay for a sofa bed downstairs. AIBU to ask him not to move in the

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 02/07/2016 21:41

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? There's nothing stopping you taking legal advice and starting divorce.

RubbleBubble00 · 02/07/2016 21:43

He could insist in sleeping in your room - he has just as much right. Buy him a sofa bed, better than forcing dd out of her room

Cheby · 02/07/2016 21:44

Why do you get the bedroom and he is relegated to the sofa?

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 21:58

My personal feelings are that he doesn't deserve a share because he hasn't contributed towards any of the upkeep of the house and has barely paid towards the bills. For the last three or four years, he hasn't contributed anything other than paying for the butchers. I realise that this isn't the case legally but I was hoping to stay in our house until my son was 21 as he has learning difficulties and we are having the house adapted for him. After that, he can have whatever he is legally entitled to.

I just wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable in expecting him to make his own arrangements regarding sleeping. The sofa bed was his idea; he just hasn't done anything about it yet.

OP posts:
hotdiggedy · 02/07/2016 21:58

Firstly, I find it really weird that some parents find it unacceptable to share a room with their children. What would you do if you ever had to downsize due to finances/became homeless??

Secondly, I have no idea what the whole story is but you come across as a really uncaring person.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 21:59

I get the bedroom because it's my house. Because my dad gifted a large part of the value of it to me as part of the dowry for my wedding (we're Asian). I'm not stopping him having a bed. He just has to sort it out himself. Or move out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:01

If we had to downsize, then we downsize. Then I would share with my children or do whatever I needed to do. I just want him to get off his arse and sort this out for himself. I don't think it's fair of him to inconvenience our daughter because he can't be bothered to sort out a sofa bed

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 02/07/2016 22:06

Any chance you can get this moved into relationships? Do you have a dining room and sitting room separate downstairs, would that be an option, he takes one of those whilst you get legal advice?

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:09

We only have one room downstairs which is our living room/dining room and he's in there.

OP posts:
Hellothereitsme · 02/07/2016 22:09

YABU. You are both entitled to live in the house until you are divorced. Not sure what being Asian has to do with it. He needs a bedroom. Therefore your D needs to share your bedroom. Or you and toy H take it in turns to have the main bedroom.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:12

The being Asian reference was me explaining why I had a dowry. That's all.

OP posts:
saskdilemma · 02/07/2016 22:13

Before you divorce put the house on trust for your children. It sounds to me like your DH is a leech. There are rules but if your DH didn't contribute to the mortgage/ when buying his legal rights are reduced. It might be wise to hire a good lawyer as most would say you need to buy him out but a really slimey one would advice you to put the house on trust for your children ( as one of them has special needs). For the time being you might want to trick your DH into a false sense of calm whilst you get the house on trust for your children. Once the house is on trust then you can start divorce proceedings and he won't get the house. Consult a really good lawyer is my advice.

Hellothereitsme · 02/07/2016 22:14

I'm not sure if a dowry is recognised as a ring fenced asset when you divorce in England. You need to leave him. Does he have family he could stay with?

saskdilemma · 02/07/2016 22:16

If your father contributed most to the house as a gift then the smartest thing would be to put the house on trust. I agree that he shouldn't benefit from something he didn't work for.

ijustwannadance · 02/07/2016 22:17

Why would he need to sleep on the floor in her room when he already sleeps on the floor in living room? What difference would it make to him?
Also if he is morbidly obese does this affect his sleep? Like snoring or sleep apnea? If so not fair on DD to disturb her sleep.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:19

He does have family (we're distantly related) but I don't think he can stay with them. He knows lots of people around here and I think he could probably get a room to stay in but he doesn't see why he should have to leave basically. Plus, he isn't working at the minute so probably couldn't afford somewhere without help or mates rates or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:20

His obesity does affect his sleep. He has always snored and he does have sleep apnea. He has a CPAP machine but doesn't really use it.

OP posts:
Heidi42 · 02/07/2016 22:30

If your hubbs has a cpap machne then he sounds as if he really is very ill indeed and as such I do feel for him. He will probably be addicted to food or have binge eating disorder which is an awful disease. You do sound very annoyed and not very understanding over this . I say this because if he is that ill then how can he pay for anything ? Presumably he only has incapacity pay? He is probably depressed as well and has no motivation poor man . Can you find it in your heart to help him OP?

BravingSpring · 02/07/2016 22:34

Heidi I imagine the OP is probably at the end of her tether in terms of trying to help him.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:36

I'm tired of helping him. I help him all the time. I have helped him continually since we got married and have got jack all support in return. Of any kind. Emotional, financial, nothing.

I think I have veered off my original point somewhat which was would it be unreasonable for me to say he cannot sleep in our daughter's room? He's perfectly welcome to get a sofa bed put in downstairs if he wants one. Or to make alternative arrangements.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/07/2016 22:41

Can you go to counseling to talk through this? Once he sees that someone has to leave, and probably him, and finances and childcare are worked through, it might be easier. Some people won't budge for fear or letting go of finances or access to the children, and also just fear of going.

April229 · 02/07/2016 22:44

No, you are not being unreasonable, the issue of your marriage shouldn't mean your daughter looses her personal space. She is 9 now, if he moves in there undefinately and it takes years to seperatly into different houses (he does not seem in a hurry to move on), will she end up going through puberty with her dad sleeping on the floor of her room? Not preferable if there are other options, like a sofa bed. I don't know all the finances but if the relationship is over surely he needs to move out so you can start a new routine of how you manage visits with the kids etc. Rather than having a half way house situation. Maybe it's just me but I don't know anyone at the divorce stage of their relationship who would think it's a good idea to continue to share a house. Is there an issue around him not being prepared to accept its over by moving out / not being ready to move on? Have you had a chance to really underline that it's over and you and he will never get back together?

Either way this sounds really difficult esp. With an autistic son, I do feel for you. You're not being unreasonable.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:45

I guess I could ask and see if he would be up for that

OP posts:
PhoebeGeebee · 02/07/2016 22:46

No, I don't think it is unreasonable. Assume your daughter has to attend school and therefore needs her sleep. And your husband isn't working so can sleep during the day if he's had an unsettled night?

And if your daughter does give him her room, there goes any incentive for him to leave or sort anything for himself. Medical issues aside, it sounds like he's not willing to take responsibility for himself and wants his family to accommodate him. For this, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Sherlock35 · 02/07/2016 22:47

I have asked him several times to move out. I have talked about access to the children. He will not go. He just tells me that he's not going to be cheated out of all the money he has given me and as an afterthought, he can't leave his children behind

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