AIBU to not want my MIL to speak so negatively to my DCs

[Geevis]

My MIL and I don't have a great relationship and I know she doesn't like my parenting style but we muddle along together.

We've had a few disagreements mainly because I like to do things my way and she wants me to do things her way. Things are OK at the moment so I don't want to rock the boat but something is really niggling me.

She only sees the kids once a week so I don't know if I'm blowing this out of perspective. She always calls my children names like a little villain, dope, git, plonker, idiot. When my DD wet herself she called her dirty. She then says, what are you a dirty girl and makes her repeat it.

I know it's only once a week and they (my DD really as my other child is a baby so doesn't understand) get lots of positive reinforcement the rest of the week but surely that's not good for your self esteem?

Also I've had to tell my DD to stop calling me a plonker! Yes nanny says it but we don't use words like that in this house.

AIBU and should I just put up with it for the sake of keeping the peace? If not how do I say something without causing another fall out?

I'm with everyone else. You've got to put a stop to this, no matter how much your MIL and dh kick off and no matter how difficult it makes things. I'm so sorry your dh is obviously cowed - it means you have to stand up for your dc. Disgusting language they use, and anyone who had dared to call my child dirty for having an accident and make them repeat it would never be seeing my child again. Seriously

This sounds very generational

Ah, the ageism of low expectations.

Not low expectations, and I know that was generalised, so for that i apologise, but experience has shown this to happen.
Its also not a blame thing, just the way things were done and excepted, just like cio was the norm

FIL was like this with DDs cousins. DH was told that if there was a hint of emotional abuse towards my child FIL would never see her again. FIL has also been told a few times what is acceptable and not. He doesn't fight me because he knows he would lose.

You need to be a protective mum. Stand up for your children. Screw everything else.

We had a bit of this with the PIL. They both had pretty harsh upbringings (FIL orphaned and in care, MIL in a big, poor family) and their overall attitude to life is very negative. FIL in particular tended to call our DS names - twit, idiot, stupid - and react really negatively when he dropped / broke / made a mess of anything: "what have you done now? Followed by a big sigh and an eye roll.

We don't see them all that often - we live overseas - but when they came for a holiday, it was really horrible hearing DS put down all the time. So after a few days DH pulled up his big boy pants and spoke them about it while i was putting DS to bed. He told them calmly that they were constantly using very negative put downs to DS and that it wasn't acceptable. He said that he knew they loved DS. That it was the way they had been brought up, but it was not how we were going to bring DS up. That we didn't want to hear any more name calling, even as a joke. That he and his sister had grown up believing that they were stupid, clumsy, unworthy, and that it had taken a lot to get over all that negativity.

They reacted very defensively to begin with, there were tears and a bit of shouting. But DH stood his ground. And they took it on board and it stopped, and they've been much more positive around the children ever since. FIL sometimes slips back - it's how he relates to everyone TBH - but a bit of a nudge / reminder works.

I am still so proud of DH for doing it. His sister has self-esteem somewhere around ground level, and his is not much better sometimes, and I know it's down to being drip fed negative, critical put downs all their childhood. It's hard to break out of familial patterns of behaviour and I'm so proud of DH for having the courage to do it for his son.

So op YANBU to think it is an issue. And your DH is lacking if he thinks it isn't his responsibility to deal with. They are his parents.

If any adult called my DC these words I would block contact. Her attitude is harmful.

Justwondering72 for your DH. Amazing courage, you've every reason to be extremely proud.

Her attitude is harmful.

And unpleasant. It's like getting involved in arguments about secondary and tertiary smoking: it is indeed the case that statistical evidence for active harm at low exposure is to put it mildly thin on the ground, but it is not a matter for debate that if you don't like the smell of smoke, it's unpleasant to people that find it unpleasant.

So whether or not speech and attitudes such as the OP is reporting cause long-term mental health issues is a matter for debate, and getting involved in that argument is not going to convince the OP's MIL ("it never did me any harm", etc). However, it's upsetting and unpleasant, and you don't need to spend time around people who are upsetting and unpleasant just because it's not provably harmful.

One of the nastiest things that bullies do is make their bullying behaviour your problem: "prove to me why I shouldn't do it! It's not illegal! I'll do what I want", and there are endless threads on MN in which people attempt to find rational arguments to convince irrational people. The OP doesn't like it. They can tell their MIL to stop doing it. If the MIL kicks off, that isn't the OP's problem. Empowerment is about not having to accept other people's behaviour. You don't have to accept people doing things you don't like: you can't stop them from doing them, but you can stop them from doing them around you.

This sounds very generational, would she be open to a bit of education on why we have moved on from child shaming...

Maybe we could stop with the age shaming too!?

Mmmm! I was brought up with my great grandma and grandmother. They were born in 1902 and 1926 respectively. They never called me a dirty girl, or any other 'child shaming' name.

What your MIL is doing is NOT as a result of her age, the generation she grew up in. It is a result, perhaps, of having grown up in an aggressive, unhappy home. They happen at any time, in every era.

You need to find a way of saying 'stop' every time she does it. Good luck.

Please talk to your DH and stop your DD having alone time. The things my grandparents said to me when I was young in what they saw as a jovial way still stick with me today and screwed up a lot of things for me

Sorry, haven't read the full thread. But I would really not like this. The language is very unpleasant. Getting your DD to repeat that she's a 'dirty girl' because she had an accident? Nothing to do with being generational, either. Just deeply unpleasant and potential damaging. Talk to your OH get him on side and nip this right in the bud.

Just to agree - this is not a generational thing.

I grew up with my Grandmother, born 1899, and in some ways a not very nice old lady. I also grew up in quite a working class area. Grandma could be known to call children "little buggars" BUT she would never have spoke to any of us like that - and certainly not bullied a child who'd had an accident.

I would not be seeing her 1 a week. When I did visit (and it would be visiting there) I would be leaving with my children the minute she said anything so vile to the children.
These messages get embedded in the brain - and can cause long term self esteem issues. Maybe that is the real problem with your "DH" that he has been made to feel so worthless that he is desperate for her approval and can't stand up to her.
But that is his problem, you as the mother need to protect your children.

You are that child's mother, you are 100% responsible for what happens in her life, that includes protecting her. Sometimes that involves making difficult decisions but it's for the sake of your children's wellbeing so it's completely justified. (Even if this means upsetting your husband)

I have no qualms at all about asking those around my children to treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. It is also a good idea to teach your children when they are age appropriate to defend themselves graciously when they come across those who treat them badly.

Your MIL sounds like an influence you could all do without in your lives. If your husband wants a relationship with her that's fine but I personally wouldn't want someone like that around my children unsupervised. It's your way or no way I'm afraid and that's down to her behaviour. Don't be scared to stick up for your children be proud that you do!

I have now RTFT and I'm fuming on your behalf OP! I understand that your DH has grown up with this, and we obviously don't know the full story, or the dynamics of his relationship with his mum. But he does need to grow a pair. I also understand why you are very reluctant to rock the boat; nobody wants a family rift. But you know your children come first, and their GM is risking their wellbeing and happiness, and frankly has no respect for their dignity.

I have known weak men who say nothing for a quiet life. It's not good. If you have trouble getting him to understand that his DMs behaviour is not normal then I would be tempted to show him this thread. It'll be a shocking wakeup call for him to see the weight of popular opinion is very, very firmly set against him and his DM.

I really feel for you. Not a nice situation to be in.