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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my MIL to speak so negatively to my DCs

64 replies

Geevis · 02/07/2016 20:20

My MIL and I don't have a great relationship and I know she doesn't like my parenting style but we muddle along together.

We've had a few disagreements mainly because I like to do things my way and she wants me to do things her way. Things are OK at the moment so I don't want to rock the boat but something is really niggling me.

She only sees the kids once a week so I don't know if I'm blowing this out of perspective. She always calls my children names like a little villain, dope, git, plonker, idiot. When my DD wet herself she called her dirty. She then says, what are you a dirty girl and makes her repeat it.

I know it's only once a week and they (my DD really as my other child is a baby so doesn't understand) get lots of positive reinforcement the rest of the week but surely that's not good for your self esteem?

Also I've had to tell my DD to stop calling me a plonker! Yes nanny says it but we don't use words like that in this house.

AIBU and should I just put up with it for the sake of keeping the peace? If not how do I say something without causing another fall out?

OP posts:
Tiggywinkler · 02/07/2016 21:09

Don't tread on eggshells - you need to go to bat for your daughter.

Rift or no rift, she's being verbally abusive and you've got to stop her.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/07/2016 21:10

It really is that simple if you don't want your children to be belittled and emotionally abused.

If your husband cant prioritise the children you need to

SquinkiesRule · 02/07/2016 21:11

Hold on a minute, he makes you take the kids to his mother for a weekly abuse session. He's not even there?
I'd stop going, tell him if it's so bloody important that his kids are belittled and abused he has to be there to explain it to them not you.
What a weak spineless arse he is.

girlywhirly · 02/07/2016 21:15

Can you phone her and say in advance that if MIL wants to see you on xday, she doesn't call them names and humiliate the DD as she did previously. Say you will leave at the first inappropriate word, and do just that. Frankly if DH isn't there on these visits, you can leave whenever you like.

BlurryFace · 02/07/2016 21:16

I would be fucking furious with your DH, were I you. He's more interested in having an "easy life" than looking after the emotional wellbeing as a kid. I can be quite confrontational when riled IRL, and I'll tell you why.

When you get a cowardly fuck like your DH looking for an easy life, make agreeing with you the only way to have an easy life. He's scared of his mum's tantrum when he tells her to quit being a bitch to his kids? Well guess what, you throw a bigger tantrum. Tell him that if he doesn't tell his mother to STFU or not see the kids anymore, YOU will tell her to STFU or not see the kids in a far, far nastier way than he would. She's a big girl, she can take it.

girlywhirly · 02/07/2016 21:18

I think DH has been similarly treated by his mother as a child and won't stand up to her because of the consequences.

Archedbrowse · 02/07/2016 21:18

Read the 'things people have said to you that have stayed with you' thread in classics. Some of them are heartbreaking, and this is the kind of thing that would make it on to there. Your poor girl.

NeckguardUnbespoke · 02/07/2016 21:18

Tell her to fuck off.

It's only once a week. She can cope.

SamWheat · 02/07/2016 21:20

Hmm, the word plonker I would just let slide, and this coming from someone who hates swearing of any kind. (Big Only Fools and Horses lover and to me is innocuous.)
The whole "dirty girl" thing when wetting though? Sad
No, she needs pulling up on that. Not right at all, and I wouldn't be letting her say stuff like that.

Unicorntrainer · 02/07/2016 21:21

Did she speak to your DH like that? Which would explain why he allows her to speak to his DC like that? I am a GM, I would twat her! How dare Shea!

edwinbear · 02/07/2016 21:26

I'm amazed you need to ask if it's OK for your MIL to humiliate your poor dd by saying she's a 'dirty girl'. And frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't give a flying fuck if protecting her, meant my dh got a strop on.

Buddahbelly · 02/07/2016 21:26

Ah I see your mil frequented the same school of parenting as my in laws. You need to stop it now, even if your dh cannot be arsed to stand up for his children.

Ds was around 18 months old when fil took it upon himself to call him the "affectionate" nickname shitty arse. He was told straight away by myself never to use that term again, Its disgusting and the fact that you think its ok to call a child that when they are picking up everything and the chance he could repeat it was strong says a lot about your own parenting skills. (which were non existent as he spent his life in the pub). Mil was taken aback that id stood up to him, but couldn't care less. Not having my child dragged up thinking it ok to call people such things.

She has started calling him fatty recently which i'm also going to stop, he repeated it in the supermarket this week and I asked where he had heard that, nanny calls me that. what 4 yr old wants to be called fatty!

sue51 · 02/07/2016 21:29

Your children's self esteem comes first. Weekly visits to mil should be cancelled till she learns how to speak to children in a civil manner.
I would be worried if my DH had such a low regsrd for my children's feelings.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 02/07/2016 21:34

Why do you care if it pisses your DH off and causes a rift with his mother?

I think if it has been me DD might have learnt a proper swear word when you MIL called her a dirty girl - she wouldn't have got as far as making DD repeat it because I'd have asked her what the actual fuck she was talking about.

She sounds horrible and she'd see my kids on very rare 'whole extended family' get togethers, under close supervision. There's NO way on this little green earth I'd be going around there weekly and your wet arse DH wouldn't be taking them around either.

Your kids are little - far too small for those words.

Original poster
Geevis · 02/07/2016 21:42

Yes I'm fairly sure this is how she spoke to my DH it just the way they speak. It's all done in a very smiley jolly way. I'm not excusing it by the way. I agree it's unacceptable. She comes to us once a week and takes my DD out for 2 hours I don't go there. My DH is a very caring dad but he's grown up in this environment so I think he's a little desensitised to it.

Buddha belly, mmm shitty arse just what you want your child called.

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/07/2016 21:43

Awful, awful, awful.

And you know it's awful.

And you care more about not upsetting your DH than protecting your little girl from someone who made her repeat that she was a dirty girl for having an accident.

How could you OP? It's not complicated, it's simple. Tell her once more and that's it, no unsupervised contact. If she does it when you're there, correct her in front of your DD and leave immediately. If DH doesn't like it, send him to live with her.

Pull up those big girl pants and protect your children.

Zaurak · 02/07/2016 21:59

I read something on here a while back where a poster said something like ' if you don't face things, your children have to.' Very wise words.

You absolutely need to stop this. This kind of thing sticks with kids and can really damage them. You need to pull her up on it every single time and if she doesn't stop then frankly she doesn't deserve to see them

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 02/07/2016 22:02

What HPandBacon said. That, exactly!
Why on earth would you allow someone like that unsupervised access to your daughter?

Why?
You need to stop giving a shit about anyone being upset other than your daughter. This is seriously not ok.
I'd also be less than concerned about any "stress" that caused a DH who couldn't be arsed to protect his very small child.

Original poster
Geevis · 02/07/2016 22:05

No no I don't. I care about my whole family. I love my children and my DH very much and am trying to keep everyone happy which is clearly impossible. I get it. I need to take action. I will discuss it again with my DH tomorrow.

OP posts:
Zaurak · 02/07/2016 22:11

I say this with kindness but it's not your job to keep everyone happy. That's a role women are socialised into from very young and it causes no end of trouble.
Our job is to protect our kids. If dh or mil have a tantrum then so be it. Good luck.

lalalalyra · 02/07/2016 22:11

Ask your DH what he'd do if X [random relative/friend] called your child something offensive. Then when he explains how nuclear he'd go ask him why it's ok for MIL to do it.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/07/2016 22:12

That's great but you need to be prepared for how the conversation will go. Your DH WILL minimise it. He was brought up this way. He won't see how awful it is.
This one is down to you. Tell him it's not acceptable. Tell him that she's not to do it anymore, either he can choose to tell her or you can. Tell him that if she continues, she will not have unsupervised access. Tell him that you fully intend to pick her up on it each and every time.
This is your little girl. Get angry.

Dutchcourage · 02/07/2016 22:22

op your first concern is your kids. Then your Dh then pils.

You cannot make everyone happy all the time - so in fact you have sub consiously chosen to keep PIL happy as after last time you have clearly learnt your lesson.

Your a grown women. If an another adult is saying derogatory things to your children - you stop it. Being a grandparent does not give you immunity from this.

If thry kick up a stink - it shows what kind of people they are.

If your Dh kicks up a stink - sadly it shows what kind of father and husband he is.

If anyone told my child to repeat to herself that she was dirty there would have been fire works and possibly blood shed it's actually very damaging and clearly your Dh is so used to that behavour he is desensitised to it.

You really have two choices :-

  1. shut the fuck up and let mil carry on to the detriment of your kids.

  2. don't allow it and be strong in that choice.

Families are hard work but sometimes you have to stick your neck out and stop being bullied.

girlywhirly · 02/07/2016 22:25

I'd stop the unsupervised access to your DC. You have no control over what MIL says when alone with the DD. Your DD could end up with serious self esteem issues if you don't.

Lovelyholiday · 02/07/2016 23:30

This sounds very generational, would she be open to a bit of education on why we have moved on from child shaming and the harm it can have? Surely if she understood the potentional mental health dangers and impact this can have, she would change her language?
Maybe a passive aggressive approach of handing her a book, saying 'I was reading this the other day and it makes so much sense, here give it a go' then hand it to her!
My parents did the whole shaming into solving issues thing, but ill be damned if they do it to their gc's!
Teaching is better than preaching sometimes! Flowers