fed up with my husband. fed up with my kids. fed up with my life.

[Drumling]

no clue where im posting or if anyone will even see this but my goodness im at the end of my tether.

i honestly wish i could turn back time. my son is horrendous. he is 12 but is one of 'those kids' you know the kid that all the teachers dread coming into their class. he is mouthy and really rude to any adult that is in his life. he loves fishing so he does that with his dad/my husband but also really enjoys football so i do everything i can to arrange nice weekends away camping with just me and him/him and his dad, etc. but he is never grateful he will just abuse that nice treat by being nasty while we are there. making threats. he is at an alternative provision from the next academic year but is in isolation every single day at school until the end of the school year while we have continuous meetings about what is going to happen with his education/at the alternative provision.

i have an amazing second son who is 9 and he really is a sweetheart but he is one of those cheeky kids that can get on your nerves and he really tries to push his boundaries and will just laugh when you tell him off he enjoys swimming so i always try to do 1-1 time with him by taking him swimming or to a water sports day in the summer holidays but he is just cheeky to the instructors and no he isnt as bad as harry but he isnt great. he is ok at school but seems to enjoy winding people up and it isnt on. i have parents who dont want to go near me because he has annoyed their child in some way. which i get but then I have no adult friends who may be able to offer some advice. i have gone into school and asked them to help make a plan for us to all move forward and for me to follow at home and they have told me how thats my job and have given me a really funny look like im wasting their time and have told me how they are trying with him and that im not doing my bit but i am!! he just doesnt follow this plan well. he sees the school counsellor and has been working well with her by doing art but i have no idea what he talks to her about. i feel like he just talks to her about what an awful mum i am :(

my daughter is 5 and she is following in their ways. she just walks around the classroom and refuses to sit down. i have done lots of discipline with all of them, removing toys and pocket money and them having no tv to shouting to being nice there just is not a way.

my husband left when i had my daughter as he had gotten another woman pregnant and i had no idea he was even seeing someone else. he seems like a fab dad to his new baby but awful to our children. he says that it isnt his job to pay his way. btw he is still my husband as he is refusing a divorce for whatever reason tbh i dont want a different last name to my kids anyway.

i am working in 2 places no they are not great jobs but im really trying. i sort the school photographs out, etc. and then do a supermarket too.

my kids steal my money and just spend it at the shop but i dont know why when that money is to help them anyway and they get pocket money.

im so fed up. tbh i just want to up and leave.

8fencing wire,bloody hell,it's a family,not the army

That is all fairly shitty. Im not surprised youre at the end of your tether.

Who have you got who could help you? To bounce ideas off and help navigate beaurocracy? You need someone else in your corner.

In no particular order:

Divorce your husband. Isnt 5 years what you need for abandonment? I know very little about divorce law so please dont quote me on that. I am sure other knowledgable mners will be along soon.

Open a case with the csa or whatever theyre called now.

Stop keeping cash in the house. Use internet banking and cards only. Yes you shouldnt have to, but its the easiest way to stop it.

Parenting is hard, especially on your own. Are there any courses you can go on? Im really surprised at the schools reaction. You were asking for help. Perhaps try dds hv or social services? Any selfhelp books? Are there any underlying issues like adhd or something? Apologies if you already know this but clear consistent boundaries with one warning of consequences, then a consequence.

I think long term you could start to think about what sort of job you would like, and what you need to do to get it. Could you go full time at one place? I think that uses less headspace than 2 pt jobs.

Sounds like what you are doing isn't working . Maybe be less strict might work ?

Sorry yes he now has 2 children with the new woman one who is around my daughters age and a baby. Yes he takes them away sometimes but only if I pay for it and arrange it but I do that just so they don't feel like their dad doesn't want to be with them.

They only go on trips of they have been relatively good and if they haven't it gets cancelled

I love them all so much and it breaks my heart they they don't want me.

I only have a college diploma and that's in something I'm not really interested in anymore

Would the eldest one go to Army Cadets? You might find he responds really well to the way the Adult Instructors interact with the kids. Also summer camp is normally £10 inc food which is a great way for him to get some independent time away from the others. He will doing adventure sports, firing guns and having a laugh.

Thoroughly recommended.

It sounds like it could be a reaction to their fathers behaviour

It sounds like learned behaviour, the youngest 2 have seen the way their big brother acts (and probably gets attention for) and model their own behaviour on his. Have you thought about social services involvement? Sounds drastic and possibly a bit scary but people seem to forget that they are primarily there to help get families back on track and can be a fantastic resource. Maybe something to think about?

Also, keep checking in on mumsnet. It sounds like you may be new here (from asking if you were posting in the right section) but even if you don't post that often, the relief you feel knowing that you are NOT alone and that other parents are going through the same as you, some have even come out the other side. It can just lift you and offer a bit of solidarity.

and for you OP. Its tough right now but its not forever. We all have times that make us want to run out the door and not look back, but you haven't done that (unlike your fucking useless ex) You stay for your kids. That's what makes you a good mum.

I am sorry this sounds so difficult. I don't have advice as you sound amazing and like you've tried everything but wish I did.
I do think this is a case for professional help but I don't know where that starts (the GP didn't strike me as an obvious place? Is there something specialist for behavioural problems ? As if even your youngest is picking up bad habits it seems crucial to break this pattern and give them all a clear outline of why what they are doing is wrong

Your safe, your the only constant, the only ones who's there, the only person who's safe for them to vent at as they know your not going anywhere - that's partly why they are awful to you because they can safely do it

Oh lovely, you sound so sad. I can't offer any practical advice but ha and-holding and agree with pp that you need outside help. I used to sleep with my purse under my pillow so I know how that feels.

Formalise things with the ex through legal channels, and sit them down and explain how things are. My heart goes out to you 💐

Hi, I have reported your post for you so that you can get your identifying details removed.

never mind the kids.....try to take care of you!!! Can you get say half a day just to get some rest and have a think and regroup.
Could you be suffering from depression?

You could try contacting Homestart. They're a charity that help with parenting advice. They have a helpline and run parenting courses.

Think Petal has it nailed.
They need to know how to feel love kindness and respect for themselves again.
Kiss them, cuddle them tell them you love them.
Include them give them more responsibility show that you need them and value them. Fight for them. Don't let parents or anyone stereotype them . You can turn it round.

Drum it's lovely that you want them to have a relationship with their dad but ultimately it's up to him. By paying for them to go away with him he is taking no responsibility.

What was your DH like when you were together? Was his personality similar to the boys? I'm wondering if they are copying his ways? Or reacting to him leaving?

With your DH it may be best to toughen up. He may not want to get divorced but it's not his decision. Does he pay anything towards the children/mortgage etc?

It may be good for you to take back a bit of control, see a solicitor and start the divorce ball rolling(you may be able to get a reduction in court fees due to income). Get child support claim going. Tell DH it's up to him to facilitate a relationship with his kids. If he does take them for weekends or even just on an evening each week you could use the time to start a new hobby or do a course. (When he receives a letter about maintenance you may find he wants a few more overnight stays).

It certainly sounds tough at the moment for you, taking back control may increase your confidence (I may have got this totally wrong) and help your situation.

Hope everything improves for you.

Its true that kids generally take their anger and frustrations out on the people they are closest to and feel safest with.

Its shit having to deal with it but IMO it does help to understand why they do it and feel good that they feel secure enough to push those boundaries and you'll still be there for them. again, not much fucking help with having to deal with it though!

Try to find out whether there is a Home Start in your area - they are brilliant. They train and support ordinary mums who volunteer to befriend and support parents in just such a situation as yours. They are mostly involved up to age 5 I think - but it sounds as if you have a 5 year old.

I was involved in starting a branch up here about 30 odd years ago and I believe they are still going strong.

Try to get a bit of team spirit going too. Specially with eldest. Ask him to help you with something then really go on and on about what a great help he was and how it's great that he's old enough to help you.

Never let them see that their behaviour gets you upset (in case that's the power they like to have over you). Stay calm. If they misbehave be monsyllabic in your responses (boring) so that there's no drama payoff. Stop any treats at all for a while.

At the same time, try to write out a day - mix of attention, playing together, playing apart - hour by hour. Try to stick to it

Can you make it up with your mum? Would she be any support if you did?

It sounds to me like because their Dad has somewhat rejected them they are 'testing' you as they may feel like everyone is going to abandon them in the same way and have a desire to make you 'prove' you're not.

You sound like an absolutely lovely Mum who is trying her very, very best but is dealing with the blowback from their Dad being a dick. Do try Homestart and see if you can get some support.

Good advice from Petal.

There was a programme about violent children (not saying your children are violent) on tv a few months back. Not sure if it's on YouTube. However, with setting boundaries, and ironically giving them some freedom to make decesions, they turned some 'worst case' scenario kids around. Also programs like super nanny are good if you can find one with teens.

Wondering whether programmes like these can give you pointers.

If i were you, I would hide your money where they wont find it, i would stop doing all the nice things with them whilst they are being little brats, I would draw up a list of house rules, I would let them earn theyre pocket money, not just give it to them, maybe youve been to good to them and they are throwing it back in your face xxxxxxxx

he seems like a fab dad to his new baby but awful to our children. he says that it isnt his job to pay his way. btw he is still my husband as he is refusing a divorce for whatever reason tbh i dont want a different last name to my kids anyway.

1. He's good to his 'new' children because of their mother. If he could near abandon his first kids without much concern, he'll have no trouble doing the same to the younger ones if a new woman comes along.

2. Have you pursued a child maintenance claim against him? If he isn't supporting them anyway, you have nothing to lose.

3. You know you can absolutely keep your last name if you divorce, and I'm wondering if he's refusing a divorce because of possible financial settlement?

GP health visitor, my oldest daughter was awful, like your sons then my youngest son, they DO grow out of these horrible periods. She is 45 now, a few years ago, said she owed me an apology for how awful she was, AND then her son was to her, but he hit her, what goes around comes around.I know the self-help books say ignore the bad behavour reward the good, believe me, I know how hard that is. Maybe a physcologist.