I seriously need help

[MagicMonkeys]

My ds is 4 and I have to say this has been the worst year I've ever had with him! He'll be 5 in October

Ok, tantrums are a normal part of his day to day now and I'm sorry to say but they infuriate me because I have sensitive ears, so they literally cause me pain! I've brought ear plugs to remedy it,

If you ask ds to do something he'll say no, you have to ask 10-20 times, then he'll moan and threaten you with how he's going to "break your flute by snapping all the buttons off" or more of the same!

When I take him out, he's climbing over everything, swinging on bars, picking everything on the shelf up, moaning for things no matter how many times is said no to. When I hold his hand and make him walk with me he spends the entire trip screaming at the top of his lungs for me to let him go, pulling out of my hand, pinching me, scratching me!

Then I take him round to friends, who have now stopped seeing us so much, and he hits the children in the face with toys, scratched one by the eye, screams at them in frustration, and I'm trying to curb his behaviour. J make him have a time out, explain the better way to behave and make him apologise! It just isn't working!

I need help! I love my son but I don't like who he is at the moment, I need help in how to stop all of this behaviour!

What are your reasons for homeschooling? If he is particularly defiant with you, I would imagine home educating will be very hard.

Chupa yes I'm a massive fan too and definitely won't consider schooling, I think it's maybe too late for ds for nursery now? He would have been starting school in September

Quiero I have many reasons and don't particularly fancy q debate about which is best.

Ds has only recently become very defiant so this is why I'm trying to sort it now X

Playing alone and not engaging with the other kids is a flag for potential issues - DD was like this and still can be which is frustrating for her friends.

I was a SAHM but her behaviour was so awful my mental health was in tatters so she went to nursery two days a week from 18 months ish. She loved it, her language improved a lot and I got a break, but the best thing was having professional input and opinions on her behaviour and development. Because we have no family support it was well worth the fees. Having a second DD also helped as we could see how different they were - it's easy to blame yourself for not being good enough or following the right advice, and people will give unhelpful pointers about you not being firm enough, being too hard, not having a routine, not socialising him enough... You need support and you may need to fight for it.

I don't have a problem with HE at all, we looked at alternative style schools as I worried about mainstream school for DD, but so far it's ok, although I still have niggles and know our back up plan if necessary.

How can u possibly homeachool as things are now? He seems to have v ltd contact with others outside family which does not seem to be working. Why not try playschool, Montessori or whatever to a( see can he thrive in that environment b) get expert advice on behaviour compared to peers and c) give u both a small amt of time out from each other.

I WOULD put him in school. I think he needs to live in the real world and learn to become a part of society and not just the centre of your universe..
It is likely any behavioural issues would be picked up by professionals ie teachers.

A word of warning about getting a private diagnosis for a child's condition; further examinations are now required by a state psychologist or behaviourist before a child can be " statemented". Sorry, I know they don't use that term now, but I cant remember what the modern equivalent is.

Playing with children instead of along side them is a big developmental step and something my ds learnt by going to nursery. From what you've said your ds doesn't seem to spend much time interacting with other children bar playgroup once a week so hasn't learnt this.

It could be a phase. My DS is turning 5 in October too and his behavior has gone way off line in the last couple of months. We did move house in that time but are still in the same area, staying in touch with friends and so not a big change. He was going to preschool 3 half-days a week and will be starting school in the Autumn. He has been so grumpy and out of sorts recently. Being mean to his little sister and jealous of her, which was never a problem before, just clinging to me and wanting to 'only be with me' as he says. I am a stay-at-home parent so he sees me plenty as it is!

Things have improved a little bit since we've been on summer break but it's still not easy with him. I feel I have to give him 110% all the time right now. Situations that would have been a breeze for him before, e.g. meeting new kids or going to a new place, now cause him anxiety and he clings to me and says he doesn't want to go. I really hope it is just a phase as I can't pinpoint anything that is causing it. If anything me and DH have more time than we've ever had for him but nothing seems enough for him right now... I took him out to see a film yesterday and took him for lunch just the two of us but he still cried and whined when we got home. It is very trying!

What plans do you have for your child learning to socialise with his peers?

I would never criticise how someone chooses to educate their child but I do think sometimes you need to take a step back and think about what works rather than what you want.

HE is brilliant for some children and not for others. I merely mentioned it because time at school or nursery might be good for both of you. I may be absolutely wrong though.

If hes having problems socailising now how are you going to fix that by home educating? Your son may have something wrong with him, I would take him to the Gp and get him checked out xx

To be honest, if OPs son does turn out to have ADHD or ASD then HE could well be ideal for him. Anyhow OP didn't ask for a debate on her chosen method of education, and it is hardly relevant to her current concerns as her son isn't old enough to be at school yet anyway.

OP - I have home edded a child with dual diagnosis ADHD and ASD, and am a primary school teacher. This obviously doesn't make me "an authority" but I just thought @I might mention what I have experienced.

Your description of your child's behaviour could point towards something specific such as the things mentioned above. Alternatively it could simply be a matter of getting parenting right for your particular child (and since most of them haven't read "the handbook" there is no one right way! - by which I mean - I am not saying you are clearly "doing it wrong", just that there might be things that will end up working better with your child.) I often feel that MOST children benefit from the sorts of behaviour management recommended for children with ADHD/AS - in particular giving children a clear idea of routine and warning of any deviations from the routine, giving timed countdowns to changes of activity and lots of postivie verbal feedback. When I was struggling with my child I went on an Incredible Years parenting course - it was excellent, and focused very much on positive interactions. Go to your GP, get them to put you in touch with their practice Health Visitor, and see if your area offer anything similar. Failing that there is a book, but I found the support from the course really valuable.

As far as Ed Psychs go - if you are Home edding then I'm not sure how valuable that would be to you. You don't need a "statement", and Ed Psychs don't diagnose anything - they just look at areas of weakness and suggest strategies - focusing predominately on educational attainment as far as I have seen.

Good luck - feel free to pm if you want an ear to bend :)

op if yourstill there... Look in to it as legally they don't have to start till they are five so you might have a bit of time OR a fab childminder.

I never knew how much dd would benifit from not being in my care 100% of the time. I'm not going to lie she hated it at first but she has really made some great friends, including the workers there.

Have you been on the MN HE sites? Facebook also have groups in your area. You would be surprised at how big the community is. Im glad though that I put dd in nursary as its given her so much confidence. When we attended anything that looked liked organised play/dance she was literally trying doors to escape and refused to look at anyone. She is great now.

Guys one question, with 1 2 3 magic, &5 days to start the timer once the tantrum had stopped, what constitutes a tantrum? Pure screaming? Begging? Pleading?

I guess it is whatever you consider to be unacceptable behaviour.

This one phrase turned our household around. DS I need you to put your shoes on. Now can you do it yourself or shall i help you?
For some reason shiftinv focus onto you rather than them really works.

Also have you read how to talk so children will listen? Its v v good.

I use 1,2,3 magic with my ADHD dc. If he's throwing a tantrum (middle ds is a cracker for exploding) then there's no pointing counting. I tell him it's an automatic 3, carry him if he won't move or move towards him so he heads to his room. Then I shut the door and tell him when he is calm he can come down and say sorry. No point trying to get a sorry after 5 mins of timer mid tantrum and I find it pointless imposing time out after tantrum as causes another meltdown

pleading, begging gets counted

My 4 year sounds very familiar, him going to nursery gives me some space for a bit and also means I miss him. Would you consider a forest school to give you both time apart

Not every child needs or must go to nursery. I have a smart, funny 2 year old ds who does not go go nursery. 4 out of the 5 days I had him last week he socialised with other children.

Op- a parenting course may help. Ask your local children's centre to help you find something.

Also what someone mentioned before is useful- either you can put your shoes on or i will etc. Give your ds choices but they are within what you want him to do.

For example I work with a child who doesnt like going to the toilet. There is no point in me saying are going to the toilet or not cos she will choose not! So I give options like 'this toilet or that one you choose'

I'm late to the party here but have you tried a set period of time (we have between 3-5pm) where your son can have his time, where he does what HE wants. So long as it's nothing dangerous.

Start by asking him what he wants to do today, maybe the park or a play centre. Rules are if he hurts anyone out of anger, you leave to go home then when you arrive home he's only allowed to do quiet things such as drawing.

Use a star chart also.

If you wanna vent, pm me. It can be difficult when you feel like you're alone X

Sorry but aged almost 5 and only having one morning per week with other kids doesn't sound healthy at all to me.

Agree that home ed can be best if there are extra needs like ASD. We home educate and a significant majority of my DCs' friends have ASD and/or ADHD.

My DS is almost certainly on the spectrum and he just couldn't cope in school. However he is a very social little lad, and home ed has really helped this flourish because it's on a smaller scale IYSWIM.

The whole social aspect of HE is the most common concern but if you're proactive there's no reason they can't have a thriving social life. TBH we are rarely home and see lots of different friends throughout the week both in play and learning/clubs. It does partly depend on the area though, we (Sussex/Surrey) are extremely lucky that there is a massive (and ever growing) HE community. They have a much much better social life than when they were at school.

I can't help on the behaviour front but if you want to chat home ed do PM me :)