to have fallen asleep when I said friend could stay over

[Sonders]

Hopefully I'm not being unreasonable but I feel horrendously guilty and haven't been able to get back to sleep!

On Monday, most of my closest friends met up to watch the England match, including a couple (let's call them Jane and Steve). We were discussing where to watch the Wales match and Jane mentioned that she wouldn't be there as she was going for drinks with work friends, and Steve was away working.

Steve asked if someone could offer a place to crash in case Jane missed the last bus or train - we (other 8 friends) all live within a 20 minutes walk of the centre, Jane & Steve moved from my street to the 'burbs at the end of last year.

I said of course she could stay at mine, it makes the most sense as we have an actual spare bed as opposed to someone's sofa or floor. It's also quite rare for Jane to go out drinking, she loves to be in bed by 10 - same as me :)

I didn't hear from Jane all night so texted her at 10:30 when I got back from the Wales game, asking what the chances are that she'll need somewhere to stay (this was about the time of the last train / an hour before last bus).

Again, I didn't hear back. I think spent 2 hours cleaning the flat/making up the bed/making sure she had towels etc just in case.

I got to bed at 12:30, still no word, called DP (who is also away travelling) who said knowing Jane, she'd gone home at 8:30 and gone to sleep.

So I fell asleep. I woke up at 5:30 because the cat decided he needed to sit on someone's face (thanks, cat) and I checked my phone in a panic - about 9 missed calls from Jane/Steve and 4 messages.

None of the messages were rude/grumpy, just asking if Jane could still stay over.

I feel awful, I'd made sure to not have my phone on silent and checked Jane/Steve were both my favourites so the phone would ring, I didn't check the volume though and it was on the quietest setting. The landline is broke at the moment (again, thanks, cat) but I don't think they have the number for it anyway.

I thought Jane would just come and knock on the door/ring the doorbell. My bedroom window is right next the the front door, I even closed the front gate as it's a noisy one and though her coming through it would give me a chance to grab jammies and let her in.

So, AIBU for not being more careful when I said a friend should stay?

Jane presumably got a taxi. Its a hardly a big deal. Jane should factor this into the cost of her night out if she wants to go out and get wasted and not answer her phone.

Why are you angsting so much about this?

You were available until 12.30, that's more than they deserved, because frankly they sound like flakes.

I agree with scarlet.
Don't know why you're justify your decision by calling her spoiled and commenting on her relationship with her ma.
If it's bothering you that she's flakey tell her.... In a nice way.
But are you being unreasonable......
come on!!!?

YANBU -she was totally inconsiderate.

They didn't let you know until 1:30? Are you supposed to have stayed up all night?

I'd really have just replied now 'Morning - I didn't get a response to my texts and stayed up til 12:30. I couldn't stay up all night unfortunately so assumed you were home and in bed by then.'

Steve needs to cut the apron strings and stop molly cuddling Jane. Jane needs to start doing things to help herself and give Steve and her mother and all her friends a break.
Jane should also know that people have beds to go to, work to go to, cats to look after so people aren't at her beck and call 24/7.
Also Jane might just be having an affair and you need a new cat that doesn't break stuff.

Totally reasonable.

I'd have been well fucked off.

YANBU.

I once many years ago (still living with parents but they were away) had a busy and tiring week. A friend came round. We shared a bottle of wine. She went home at about midnjght by taxi to her parents house (they were also away). I fell asleep. She called to say she had broken the key in her parents door. I told her not to worry and to come here and we would sort it in the morning.

She got a taxi back at about 1.30am by which point an exhausted and slightly tipsy me was dead to the world. She called me a million times, knocked, called some more. Eventually she had to give up and walk to the Travellodge. When I woke at 5.30am I was mortified and hugely worried about her. She was ok, I was hugely apologetic and we laugh about it now but God I felt awful!

Part of my message disappeared! It had started with:

YANBU - please do not feel bad. You couldn't sit up all night waiting.

oh no! i made up the guest room and waited for you until 12.30! what a shame.

I'd go with that response.

You rang and texted her,she cant expect you to sit up all night on the off chance she decided to come.

I would just send her a message that you waited up till 12.30 and she never answered any of your earlier texts/calls.

Chocolate fudge cake - that was almost a haiku!

Oh and OP, yaDnbu.

Don't be such a wimp fannying about feeling guilty! (Said nicely)
She was taking the piss ringing so late. You're not running a 24 hour motel.

Don't waste another second feeling guilty - the only one who should feel bad here is Jane.

What? She didn't ring until 12.30. YANBU in the slightest - it just isn't how adults behave!

I sent a message saying basically what everyone suggested, you made me feel un-guilt enough that I managed to get an hour of sleep back.

She called back this morning to say she was stupid, got herself waaaaay too drunk and couldn't make logical decision - apparently the last bar was only 5 minutes from here and she thinks she was a plonker by not knocking on the door.

She got the night bus in the end, and Steve booked her a taxi from the last stop to the house.

I wasn't justifying my decision by calling her spoiled, she knows she is spoiled and is very open about it - it doesn't stop her from being lovely. It just means that sometimes she doesn't even think to do things for herself - like booking taxis, arranging accommodation etc

She sounds very childish,i wouldnt be able for that nonsense.

YANBU. Jane sounds like a pain in the arse.

Fair enough Sonders.
Good it turned out OK

If I were Jane, I'd be so embarrassed to have kept you up late and not replied to your texts (and had to have DH book me a taxi instead of doing it myself)

You have no reason to feel bad. She messed you about! I wouldn't be offering that deal any time again soon

YABU for some spectacular overthinking. You got everything ready, contacted her twice. She didn't bother letting you know what was going on and like and adult got herself home with some assistance from someone else.

Lord, I wouldn't feel even slightly guilty about this. Tbh I might be a bit annoyed they hadn't confirmed either way earlier in the night and really annoyed they phoned you 9 times at what time exactly? Very late anyway. I'm clearly a terrible person and like to be in bed early - I have a toddler!

You're a nicer person than I am. I used to pick Dbro up from work of an evening (he lived with us, worked 2 miles away and doesn't drive) and I used to get pissed off if he didn't let me know what was happening until after midnight.

Yeah not your faul, don't feel bad.

I'd have text saying - going to bed in 39 mins, let me know before then if you are going to crash here and I'll put my phone on loud so I can let you in.