To express my disappointment in my children's headteacher

[EllenDegenerate]

My DD who is seven had s class assembly this morning in the school hall. All of the parents of her class were invited as were all of the pupils and teachers in the primary school.
The assembly was lovely, the school is a catholic one and so the message was regarding growing in Gods love and being kind to one another etc.

At the end of the assembly the headteacher thanks DDs class for their efforts and congratulates them on the assembly.
She then proceeds to call four children from year six to the front of the hall to present them with awards for various things.
One of the children called to the front is Ella* the sister of one of my DS's friends. She's known to be quite high spirited and perhaps even naughty on occasion but the only reason that I know this is because her mum has told me. She has never been discussed between other parents, at the school gate etc as far as I'm aware.

The headteacher hands out the awards to the first three children in year six. She then asks Ella to "come and stand here next to me for this rare occurrence" Ella does so and the headteacher places her arm around Ella even though she is visually uncomfortable with this attention.
She carries on; "this award is being presented to Ella due to her efforts to improve her attitude and behaviour recently. She seems to have had a change of personality very conveniently just in time so that we can wave her off to Saint Hilda's*" (local catholic secondary school)
At this my jaw is swinging open. Ella stands, shoulders hunched, blushing, headteacher a arm still around her shoulders.
Unbelievably she carries on "In fact Ella even arrived in school on time to make it to this assembly today!"
At this I glance around, incredulous and note the sniggers from the assembled teaching staff and parents from my own DDs class.

Am I being unreasonable in my response of almost visceral disgust at the headteachers lack of professionalism in making a spectacle of Ella in front of parents, teachers and her schoolmates?

Nobody else seemed to react other than to chuckle along at the 'joke'

Am I being oversensitive? I feel that I would like to express my disappointment to the headteacher directly but having seen her actions I fear for her reaction towards my children if I did so. (Cowardly)

I'm just having trouble getting my head around what I witnessed.

Sorry total X-post with OP! Glad to see I hadnt missed the point.

Yes I agree that good natured ribbing can be healthy, if the teacher and child have the sort of mutually respectful, trusting relationship that allows for this.

I don't think that such interaction necessitates the need for an audience when it's decidedly one sided.

In any case I think I'll speak with Ella's mum rather than approach the headteacher directly,

After all, Worra is correct. It is Ella and her parents who matter. Not the headteacher nor myself.

I think disgust is an appropriate reaction.

The OP feels like the child was being singled out and humiliated in front of an entire assembly including parents.

Yeah it might be a good idea to speak to Ella's Mum.

That way she can either say, "Oh no she thought it was funny", or "Oh no she was mortified".

If it's the latter, I'm sure she'll appreciate your support so she doesn't feel like she's 'that parent' by complaining alone.

I don't know actually Shilli.

To put it in to perspective, Ella's mum knows myself and my DC far better than the headteacher does.
I'm not entirely sure that the reverse is true.
I imagine that it is but I'm not entirely certain.

Thanks merry and worra.

As I said, the disgust was almost visceral it actually blindsided me a little.

Admittedly I was privately educated in the 90s and really decorum and professionalism were held in extremely high regard so I'm never quite sure if I make fair comparisons with state schools twenty years later.

I know OH thinks that I have very hig expectations of teachers but in fairness I was educated by fantastic examples.

Yes I'm aware that this sounds potentially extremely snobbish but I'm trying to be completely candid and explain my disgusted reaction sufficiently.

Yes I'm aware that this sounds potentially extremely snobbish

No "potentially" about it.

Well if the definition of a snob is to expect unerring kindness and a modicum of professionalism from those who have the responsibility of running a primary school than I'm a perfect example.

And happy to be so.

No, that isn't the definition of a snob.

Care to elaborate?

See I still can't agree or disagree with you without knowing the child.

The reason being, if a child (especially one about to go to senior school) actually does appreciate good natured humour, then I think engaging in it is professional.

It can certainly help to build great teacher/ pupil relationships with the right pupils.

However, picking the right pupils is the tricky part.

Care to elaborate?

Google 'snob definition' perhaps?

I agree it sounds way too close to public embarrassment and the child couldn't return banter and may well have felt like the achievement wasn't genuinely celebrated. Bit crap really. Hope she's got a thicker skin than I would have at that age!

I can understand your reticence Worra.

To be honest I'd have to speak with Ella's mum to ascertain her actual feelings at the time and I'm not going to make a concerted effort to do so. I think a casual mention of Ella getting such a well deserved award at the assembly in passing will suffice.

Nevertheless, whether for justifiable reason or not the whole exchange unsettled me.
I felt sorry for Ella and for that reason alone I will check that she is OK.

Good idea

My apologies observer.

I seem to have mistaken you for an educator.

Yeah ... whatever.

The comments from the head, sound sarky and insensitive and damning with faint praise. If Ella has really improved her attitude and behaviour, then imo the award should have been given with no accompanying 'banter', and with genuine praise for her effort and wishing her lots of luck in her next school

It is a little tricky to gauge without being there or knowing the people involved though. I have given out prizes to some very spirited kids for all sorts of achievements, and haven't ever minimised their efforts in any way. That just feels like giving the award and then taking a little bit of it away somehow. For some kids, as with Ella, getting a reward IS a rare event and everything should be done to encourage them to work towards keeping up that progress, not embarrassing them

I think, irrespective of what the the relationship with the child may have been, this was a totally inappropriate thing to do in front of a load of adults who know nothing about the child in question. It was particularly inappropriate to continue when the child wasn't reciprocating.

Ignore acasualobserver, she's always popping up on these threads contending that a teacher can never put a foot wrong.

Ignore acasualobserver, she's always popping up on these threads contending that a teacher can never put a foot wrong.

Examples of me saying a teacher can never put a foot wrong? Quote me if you can.

Very inaporopriate and not nice in front of al, the school. I woukd be so embarrassed as a 11 year old. There is one thing with banter with the teachers, another thing humiliated in front of her teachers and peers. Very unprofessional.

I am a teacher. Banter or not, the HT was unprofessional for detailing confidential information regarding the child's personal life (late to school) and her difficulties conforming to school rules etc in front of an entire school AND parents.

It doesn't matter whether the HT and the child often 'banter' or if it was done as tongue in cheek, the fact is, the HT made other parents and children, who could potentially go forth and gossip and children especially tease, privvy to information they should not be.

I would be enraged if I found out my child was embarrassed in this way or was spoken to in the way that has been described and would make a formal complaint. I would not want my child's behaviour, attitude etc discussed with 250+ people!

Having said that OP, I do not think you are being unreasonable for feeling the way you do BUT it is not your place to say anything or do anything. Ella's parents have that sole responsibility.

There is a big difference between laughing with someone, with them joining in and taking the joke in good spirits (banter) and laughing at someone while they stand hunched and uncomfortable and not participating in the joke.
Given that most of the audience of parents and students won't know about the child's issues and won't really get the joke, it sounds like the HT having an "in joke" with her staff at the expense of a child.
The only upside to this is the fact that in three weeks the child can move on and hopefully find a kinder environment in secondary school.

Well I was with you until your last few posts. And it has nothing to do with you being privately educated and having higher standards, it's either snobbery or unpleasantness on your part.

FWIW I was privately educated in the 90s and banter between teachers and pupils happened there too.

Honestly Rafals,

If your teachers behaved as DDs headteacher did or if 'banter' was in any way alluded to in the 90s I'll dig out my straw boater and eat it for breakfast

I don't consider it unreasonable to expect the head of a school not to incite other adults to blatantly snigger at and embarrass a child in public, a child with no recourse to reply especially.

If that indicates unreasonably high standards on my part then so be it.