to want to look hot if I ever bump into my ex?

[GeordieBadgers]

Disclaimer: I am 33 but I have borderline personality disorder, so I tend to misconstrue social etiquette and also act/think immature for my age. So apologies in advance if my immaturity is too irritating for AIBU.

My issue:

I am on a serious weight-loss mission at the moment, aiming to lose 2-3 stone. I wrote a 'list of reasons to lose weight' and stuck it on my dressing table mirror. One of the reasons on the list was "to look hot if I bump into an ex". Other reasons included, being able to run faster, look better in photos, etc.

My current boyfriend (of 4 months) and I made an impromptu stop by my house for a quick shag as I we aren't seeing each other over the weekend. Normally I would prep my bedroom beforehand (clean sheets, remove the weight loss list) but as this visit was impromptu I forgot. Boyfriend started reading the weight loss list. I tried to get it off him and explained it was private but he read through it anyway. He took issue with the fact that I'd want to look hot bumping into exes, and left in a sulk.

I thought it was pretty common to want to look hot in the event of bumping into an ex? I often see memes referring to how mortifying it is to bump into an ex when you look shit.

Just to make it clear: I don't want any of my exes back. Wanting to look hot was more to do with confidence and dignity for me. AIBU or am I a crap girlfriend? Boyfriend wasn't supposed to see the list as it was very personal to me.

I think your boyfriend has behaved badly. He shouldn't have taken and read your private note. It was written to yourself not him, it's a bit like reading your diary. The silent treatment is not healthy or mature in a relationship. It's particularly upsetting for someone with BPD, which can cause a fear of rejection. Consider whether he is right for you if he treats you like that. I understand what you meant in the note, I think it's normal to want to look your best when you run into an ex, I wouldn't like to run into mine if I was looking a mess and I'm married so I've moved on, it's not about wanting them back.

It's particularly upsetting for someone with BPD, which can cause a fear of rejection

You know your stuff. That probably explains why I feel so ashamed and embarrassed when I see a skinny woman and I'm out with my boyfriend. I think "I wish I could be like that; he'd be even more proud of me and I'd be safer. He's probably wishing I was more like her".

Hate my weight issues. So depressing :(