to want to look hot if I ever bump into my ex?

[GeordieBadgers]

Disclaimer: I am 33 but I have borderline personality disorder, so I tend to misconstrue social etiquette and also act/think immature for my age. So apologies in advance if my immaturity is too irritating for AIBU.

My issue:

I am on a serious weight-loss mission at the moment, aiming to lose 2-3 stone. I wrote a 'list of reasons to lose weight' and stuck it on my dressing table mirror. One of the reasons on the list was "to look hot if I bump into an ex". Other reasons included, being able to run faster, look better in photos, etc.

My current boyfriend (of 4 months) and I made an impromptu stop by my house for a quick shag as I we aren't seeing each other over the weekend. Normally I would prep my bedroom beforehand (clean sheets, remove the weight loss list) but as this visit was impromptu I forgot. Boyfriend started reading the weight loss list. I tried to get it off him and explained it was private but he read through it anyway. He took issue with the fact that I'd want to look hot bumping into exes, and left in a sulk.

I thought it was pretty common to want to look hot in the event of bumping into an ex? I often see memes referring to how mortifying it is to bump into an ex when you look shit.

Just to make it clear: I don't want any of my exes back. Wanting to look hot was more to do with confidence and dignity for me. AIBU or am I a crap girlfriend? Boyfriend wasn't supposed to see the list as it was very personal to me.

[FeckinCrutches]

What not why

[FurryLittleTwerp]

If I were you I might dump him, for being

a) rude for reading my list
b) unreasonable for not stopping reading it when asked
c) stomping off in a huff & being all mardy about it

[GeordieBadgers]

I'm trying to gauge what a reasonable response would be on HIS part. Any suggestions? I've never been in this situation before.

[mrsfuzzy]

geordie i wouldn't want my oh getting herself hot looking for her ex, so yes i'd probably dump her. but this should be about you, not him, do what makes you happy, sulking and giving you the cold shoulder is not the thing to do, you don't deserve this treatment. call it off and get out there and meet someone who deserves you and will treat you the way you should be treated, with respect for a start.

[SaucyJack]

I think you writing it on a post-it note "in the event of" shows an unhealthy level of preoccupation with your ex tbh.

I'm not surprised your boyfriend is miffed.

Having said that, I think worrying about your appearance when you actually bump into someone (ex or no) unexpectedly is perfectly normal.

[dogdrifts]

Well, clearly it's not 'right', in that it does indicate a certain human shallowness and vengeful side that we all like to keep hidden.
Looking happy when you bump into an ex would be far healthier (happy with your lot, rather than happy to bump into them. but healthier still not to give a flying fuck because ex is irrelevant).

And yeah, if my current bf was losing weight so that he looked hot in case he bumped into an ex, I wouldn't be too jazzed.

But you know that you are human with some immaturities and confidence issues, and should really be with someone who knows that, understands it, and would have reassured you with a laugh and a comment reminding you that you need to look to the future with your goal setting, not the dim and distant past. Your ex shouldn't really be a reason you are doing anything (except living your new life).

So if you are currently with a bf that is sulking, ignoring, tantrumming, or not helping you past your immaturity and confidence issues, he probably isn't someone you want to be trying to mend things with, whatever caused the argument in the first place.

[GeordieBadgers]

Fuzzy I don't deserve sulking but I deserve to be dumped?

[FurryLittleTwerp]

FFS it's not "getting hot for the ex" it's "getting hot in case I bump into the ex"

entirely different things

the first suggests unfinished business, smacks a little of desperation

the second suggests gloating because he bloody well deserves having his nose rubbed in it


FWIW for a long time I made damned sure I looked better than DH's ex-OW if ever there was a chance I would bump into her and I bloody well did

[gleam]

You don't deserve to be dumped imo. He read a private note. We all have some things we keep hidden - you just happened to write yours down.

On the other hand he does not respect a private note, sulks, gives you the silent treatment. Red flags all of them.

4 months, ffs, this should be the honeymoon period.

Does he deserve you, Geordie?

[Goingtobeawesome]

He won't dump you. You should dump him though.

[mygorgeousmilo]

YANBU and your boyfriend needs to understand that this is really normal. Once it's become a meme, it means lots of people relate!

[Lovemylittlebears]

Gosh not a big deal in grand scheme of things - just tell him what you mean - sorry I just wrote that coz I wanted to do the whole chick flick look at me I feel great look great and have a new man thing :) it's understandable - just apologise explain and move on x

[rosiecam]

YANBU. Did you make it clear to him that you don't want to look hot to get the exes back, but to score points over the b*ds, and you would not have any of them back if they were the last man in the universe? And that you love being with current guy?

If so, HIBU and LTB. If not, maybe making this clear could be your next step.

He does sound a tad insecure to say the least. If not completely crazy about him, you might want to rethink anyway.

There is also a chance, if he is insecure, he will try to stop you losing weight because he doesn't want you to look hot to other guys (exes or not). Watch out for this, and if he starts buying you doughnuts, LTB then too.

[Birdsgottafly]

"" I have a feeling he'll give me the silent treatment for hours, perhaps even days now.""

You shouldn't be putting up with that. What he should do, Is explain why it's upset him and discuss it.

If he refuses to do that, then you should finish it, unless you are conditioned to accept that behaviour and you can live with it.

As said, four months in, you should still be having fun, there shouldn't be these issues.

What do you want out of a new relationship, a he giving you that?

My ex lives local and I know what days he goes out with his new GF, I make sure that I'm wearing make-up etc, on those days. I lost five stone last year and I'm very pleased that he looks nine months pregnant.

[GeordieBadgers]

Thanks everyone for talking to me about this. I was expecting a flaming, this being the AIBU forum and all.

I feel confused and out of my depth in situations like this :( I get frustrated because things that often seem perfectly innocent to me can sometimes get misconstrued by others as having ulterior motives. And because I have BPD I can't trust my instincts.

[Birdsgottafly]

""just apologise ""

Don't apologise, it's your private thoughts, he was asked not to read it and you've done nothing to apologise for.

Never apologise to someone that uses Silent treatment, it's a form of abuse.

[Birdsgottafly]

"" I get frustrated because things that often seem perfectly innocent to me can sometimes get misconstrued by others""

Only assume this when you know that the "others" are people that you can trust.

Does he know that you've got a BPD?

I'd worry about how his treatment of you is going to effect you, tbh.

[GeordieBadgers]

Does he know that you've got a BPD?

Yeah.

I swear to God he wasn't supposed to see the list :( To give you guys an idea of the intimate nature of the list, probably the most sensitive (and thus powerful thing for me) was "To avoid that horrible feeling when you're out with your bloke and you both see a skinny woman (shame)".

Out of interest, do any of you guys (if overweight) ever experience this feeling?

[DerelictMyBalls]

quick shag' ? erugh.

What's wrong with a quick shag?

[seasidesally]

very natural for you to feel like this

very natural for your partner to feel like this

got to laugh at those that are saying dump him for giving you the silent treatment,i thought that was pretty common for both sex's to do this at times

some MN's are so grown up all the time and never seem to act like an arse

[Fedupd0tcom]

YANBU. Don't worry he'll calm down. Maybe have a heart to heart with him to reassure him. X

[HippyPottyMouth]

I feel the same. I have an ex who lives locally. I saw him at an event recently and was delighted that even though I looked a bit shit, I was clearly having fun with DD and a group of friends, i.e. visibly having a nice life. I wouldn't go out of my way to make that point to DH, but I should think he feels the same about his exes. A sensible boyfriend would maybe feel a bit miffed but not comment, recognising that it's a pretty standard way to feel. If he gives you a hard time, ask yourself if that's really what you want.

[GeordieBadgers]

Why would he feel miffed? (Genuine question). Wanting to make an ex jealous/pissed off shouldn't make a new boyfriend miffed

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I think his feelings are the least of your problems, OP.

He invaded your privacy. You told him not to read your list and he decided he had the right to go behind your back and read it anyway. Then he decides he doesn't like what he sees so he ignores you! That's awful behaviour.

I would be upset if I found out my boyfriend was trying to look good for his ex, but I wouldn't ignore him (potentially for days) or go through his things!

Oh, and seaside no, the silent treatment is not normal in a grown-up relationship. I certainly wouldn't date someone who ignored me for days because I did something they decided was unacceptable!

[Crunchymum]

1. ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed? (IE you had seen a list at his house "reasons to get buff" and saw he had listed on it to look good when I bump into my ex )
   
2. what would he have to do to smooth things over if the above had happened?
   
   Once you have worked out the answer to 2, then that is what you need to do.
   
   Although he does sound a bit of a precious snowflake for a new (and I assume still quite casual) bf? Could be a red flag I'm afraid.
   
   I'd talk it out like grown up's.