Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How am I going to hold my tongue...

75 replies

Hereforthebeer · 30/06/2016 22:57

PIL are down next weekend. Both went to boarding school, are very traditionalist, have lived very sheltered lives, and IMO have an inflated opinion of Britain, the relevance for Britain globally.
Before BREXIT my MIL ask me what i was voting as she said 'its not going to affect me so i'll just vote what you are'. I said, my DH (her son) would almost certainly lose his job if BREXIT happened and so will many people we know so she said 'ok i'll vote remain'. End of conversation.
She ended up voting Leave (BIL told me). My DH hasn't really stopped working since the announcement and his job is likely to go in the next few months. She phoned to speak to him and I said he was working. She said 'well we think its all for the best and it will all be alright in the end', I said 'when is the end?' Then i stopped myself (and so did she) and we changed the subject.
How am I going to have them here for the whole weekend, its so raw, without it coming up and without me burning any bridges. I really, really don't want to offend them, but i really really can't have a conversation with them about it. MIL said to BIL that she knew it would really affect us, but she voted to leave despite that. i know people have different reasons why they voted leave but she racist and i think that was the main motivation

OP posts:

pilates · 01/07/2016 09:23

I think best to say at the beginning of their visit you would prefer not to talk about Brexit as obviously with DH about to lose his job its too raw and emotive to talk about.

They are still your husband's parents and so you cannot hold a grudge, they are entitled to vote how they want.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 01/07/2016 09:34

OP, I personally would feign illness and put the visit off.

I am currently avoiding my mum - she voted Leave and gloated on Fri morning to my dsis. I just can't speak to her at the moment. I know that I'll recover my composure at some point, and things will be ok between us - and I don't want to say something I'll regret to her. I'm very angry with her for voting in a way that could deeply affect her daughter and gc's lives. It is looking increasingly possible that dh's job will move out of London - and I'm feeling very uncertain about the future tbf.

ilovechocolate07 · 01/07/2016 10:45

I agree with the poster who said that there hasn't been anything quite like this to divide opinions before (in my voting lifetime anyway). In future I would never discuss politics with family. My fil was all talk about his views etc and the when results were in his Facebook looked very much like he'd voted the opposite way!!!

I'd avoid any political talk over the weekend.

Do you think his job is really in danger?

Original poster

Hereforthebeer · 01/07/2016 11:53

I agree pilates. I'm going to be upfront that we shouldn't talk about it. Otherwise it will be awkward and we won't be able to talk about things... I'd love to feign illness thought :). Really don't want to see them at the moment.

Its almost worse, my FIL kept quiet and voted the way he believed. It's MIL that is going to be tricky particularly as she asked us how it would impact, as she said "it won't impact me" then did the opposite and hasn't been honest with us. Its best if we don't discuss it, as we won't agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hereforthebeer · 01/07/2016 11:54

ilovechocolate yes, his job really is in danger.

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 01/07/2016 12:00

Throw a sickie then. It's fine.

Itinerary · 01/07/2016 12:02

YABU. It's perfectly justified for people to vote for what they believe is right for the country and its future.

PumpkinPies38 · 01/07/2016 12:05

You don't have control over her vote or views. If it comes up change the subject. It was just her vote that swayed the result.

Alconleigh · 01/07/2016 12:27

Feign illness then. Or tell them the truth. Let them feel the consequences of their actions. God knows we will all be feeling them for decades to come.

toldmywrath · 01/07/2016 12:39

I was appalled that my DH voted for Brexit, he didn't actually decide until he got to the polling booth.
I realised that my own vote to remain was right for me when the result was announced- I was really shocked & upset. My neighbour was crowing as in "we've won" & I put him straight as to my feelings.
Not sure how you'll square this with your mil-she had no right to ask what you were doing. I'd throw a sickie.
By the way, my feelings of appallment (is that a word?)with DH have abated quite a lot, it was a knee jerk reaction.

toldmywrath · 01/07/2016 12:41

Hereforthebeer I'm sorry to hear about your DH's job being in peril.

imother · 01/07/2016 12:52

Kerala1 That's a big assumption - maybe the MIL will be just fine if her DS moves away. Who knows - strange concept - maybe the MIL has a life of her own and a job etc..... and will be pleased if they do what makes them happy rather than the nasty bitter attitude you have

rookiemere · 01/07/2016 13:48

Jeez, this is like 1984 think speak. We must pretend that the Brexit vote was wonderful and positive for all, even when for the OP's family this was plainly not the case.

If they move away imother it will be because the DH has lost his job, not because they are pursuing happiness.

Anyway that's not what this thread is meant to be about, it's meant to be about OP handling ILs who, if we take Brexit out of it, said they were going to do something that would be supportive to the OP's DH and their family, but instead have done the opposite.

Does that help to clarify the position?

rookiemere · 01/07/2016 13:49

Jeez, this is like 1984 think speak. We must pretend that the Brexit vote was wonderful and positive for all, even when for the OP's family this was plainly not the case.

If they move away imother it will be because the DH has lost his job, not because they are pursuing happiness.

Does that help to clarify the position?

rookiemere · 01/07/2016 13:49

Whoops sorry not good enough to post it twice

CodewordRochambeau · 01/07/2016 19:09

rookie do you mean thoughtcrime?

rookiemere · 01/07/2016 19:31

Yes I did codeword - thank you.
My literary analogies would be so much more powerful if I could remember the right words .

Foxmansions · 01/07/2016 19:33

OP, no advice but I sympathise. MIL and FIL both voted leave, both on the basis of not wanting immigrants in the UK (FIL is also a big Farage fan). I am an immigrant from a longstanding EU member country. Any time this was raised pre-referendum I was told not to take it personally, but then fed a long line of lies about how terrible immigrants are. They live in a very middle class white British area and have never been negatively affected by immigration. To me, it is personal as it affects my right to live and work in the UK. I also find it very sad that they are so closed minded. So my thoughts are with you for the weekend!

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 01/07/2016 21:37

I think acting like your mil voted for your DH's job loss is hugely unfair

The MIL had a chance to HELP to protect the DH's job, and she chose not to help him, after admitting that she had no strong leaning for IN or Out

KERALA1 · 02/07/2016 10:45

Odd response imother. Reasonable assumption that most normal loving parents would be slightly sad if their adult children had to move overseas, away from them, due to the economy when they wouldn't otherwise have chosen to go? Op doesn't appear to want to move - wouldn't "make them happy" at all.

Actions have consequences these in laws will need to live with the consequences of theirs.

Foslady · 02/07/2016 11:11

I'f have cancelled, told them oh was working all hours as he will be unemployed soon due to the result and also would have wanted to say saving all the money we can because of it so can't afford for you to come any more

KERALA1 · 02/07/2016 13:42

OP you not alone. Saw 5 couples last night 2 of which had explained to their parents the negative effects of brexit on them personally yet their parents still voted leave. Neither has fallen out with their parents, but ones sibling has sadly.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/07/2016 14:02

I encountered similar problems with family recently. I just kept saying "we have a rule to not discuss politics or religious views in our house" and changed the subject to football or whatever. I did in in a light way and They soon got the message and moved on to less confrontational topics!

happypoobum · 02/07/2016 14:38

I don't know why you would hold your tongue. I would tell her the truth.

Some posters needs to understand that the aftermath of this to the economy will be huge and many will lose their jobs. My brother works for an International College, and they have lost several major clients since the vote, not all from the EU.

The clients are quitting in response to parents fears that they don't want to spend their money sending their 16 - 19 year olds to a country that is now internationally perceived as full of nasty small minded racists. If you could see the interviews that have been shown on TV abroad along the lines of "We done wont no immagrunts" you would see their point.

DoreenLethal · 02/07/2016 15:47

Next time, don't invite them when your Husband isn't there to minister to them.

Flip

1 2 3