How am I going to hold my tongue...

[Hereforthebeer]

PIL are down next weekend. Both went to boarding school, are very traditionalist, have lived very sheltered lives, and IMO have an inflated opinion of Britain, the relevance for Britain globally.
Before BREXIT my MIL ask me what i was voting as she said 'its not going to affect me so i'll just vote what you are'. I said, my DH (her son) would almost certainly lose his job if BREXIT happened and so will many people we know so she said 'ok i'll vote remain'. End of conversation.
She ended up voting Leave (BIL told me). My DH hasn't really stopped working since the announcement and his job is likely to go in the next few months. She phoned to speak to him and I said he was working. She said 'well we think its all for the best and it will all be alright in the end', I said 'when is the end?' Then i stopped myself (and so did she) and we changed the subject.
How am I going to have them here for the whole weekend, its so raw, without it coming up and without me burning any bridges. I really, really don't want to offend them, but i really really can't have a conversation with them about it. MIL said to BIL that she knew it would really affect us, but she voted to leave despite that. i know people have different reasons why they voted leave but she racist and i think that was the main motivation

Shit, that's a tough one. I like Lauder's response.

I know I'm probably the twenty millionth person to say this but I hate the way the referendum has been such a stark political divide. Some of my friends voted leave and are thrilled. It's totally their right but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be called a sore loser. I'm not being grumpy but I still feel that it was a terrible decision and can't lightly discuss the "brave new world" over coffee. I can't remember ever feeling this politically divided from people before. I hate it.

You say she is a racist, so she put her bigotry before her son and his family's welfare. YANBU. I would call her up on it.

How does your DH view their position?

I wouldn't hold my tongue. If you were sure your DH was about to lose his job over any other reason you would be talking to her about it,

no insults, but you are upset by what is happening, why should you hide your worry and upset. Just tell her about your worry and upset and anger over the results and its consequences for you.

I don't accept the premise that there's any certainty what would happen on brexit, wrt individual jobs or otherwise. It's not even clear who can trigger art 50 as a matter of law, parliament or pm, which obviously makes quite a big difference. I think acting like your mil voted for your DH's job loss is hugely unfair. Why not ask her what her reasons were? I say this as someone who thinks that there weren't any good arguments for voting leave btw.

Is your BIL always such a stirrer?

How am I going to have them here for the whole weekend, its so raw, without it coming up and without me burning any bridges. I really, really don't want to offend them, but i really really can't have a conversation with them about it.

I think you can tell your MIL what you said here. You can say you feel frightened (or angry or however you do feel) that your DH job will go and that you feel it healthiest if you save any debate for the such a time as the future looks a bit more certain because you prefer not to lose your temper with her. Then if she stirs, change the subject. Some families have a robust style of discussing politics, other families don't, and if you want to avoid losing your cool when your MIL and PIL are with your family you are entitled to say as much. If they start to try to provoke you and you get angry, you can say, this is an emotive issue for me. You could talk to your DH about this beforehand and see if he will support you in steering the conversation away from Brexit.

I feel for you. In-law relationships are some of the most difficult relationships IMO.

Do you have DC? Is going somewhere else for a day during the weekend an option, just to give yourself a break?

i have quite a few days with them and will try and avoid the subject as much as I can. My DH wont be around much (he'll have to work), he's the strong, silent type - but is pretty angry with them and I think he's going to find it hard too. Both of us know we mustn't discuss it. FIL will keep quiet, but MIL will want to talk about it, so I think lauder is probably right -to say head on - had enough of referendum talk. I can't ask her what her reason are because BIL already did and she said she voted with the heart not her head... (so that conversation really can't happen, esp in front of DH). BIL isn't a stirrer btw. He's just making sure we are prepared..

She is entitled to her opinion, you are entitled to yours; as it is your house and you are the hostess, you need to prevent acrimonious conversations developing, in as tactful a way as possible. A start would be to stop labelling her a racist, a term that is being used far too readily at present.
Perhaps your husband might wish to express his opinions?

I think acting like your mil voted for your DH's job loss is hugely unfair.

Why? She was told it was a virtual certainty, by people who were in a position to know.

Can you put the weekend off? Tell them you're choosing with your heart not your head....

Seriously though, she's old enough to understand that actions have consequences, and less contact with you (at least for now) after deliberately jeopardising your husbands livelihood doesn't seem a particularly harsh one to me.

I know I am reconsidering attending a family event for similar reasons.

If they bring it up, just say nicely but firmly that you'd rather not discuss it any more, thank you - and preferably change the subject PDQ to something about them - e.g. have they booked their next holiday, where to, ooh, that sounds lovely, how's it going at the bridge club, how is Auntie so and so, or the neighbour who broke his hip chasing younger women, is their cleaning lady still not dusting the picture frames properly - anything to get them going on another favourite tack.

Tell them you are ill and put the visit off.
Or tell them they are fuckwits for voting for something that they know would end up with your dh losing his job.

Either option.

Interested to know what job he hasn't stopped doing since the vote but will cease when Brexit happens.

Maybe you haven't considered where Brexit will leave UK universities, just to give one example?

Personally, OP, I would be putting the visit off.

Interested to know what job he hasn't stopped doing since the vote but will cease when Brexit happens.

Jobs that require an economy that isn't about to face a recession? It's not just 'brexit' it's th shit economic uncertainty that will almost certainly lead to a recession.

My friend has her own business, works on I ternatio al expansion projects. She was at the stage of interviewing for someone to join her as she had too much work. Major client pulled the plug on their project on Friday. Boom. Friend no longer has full time work. Boom. Second person will now no longer have a job offer.

There are real and direct results that are being repeated all over the country. It's hard to see if you're in a safe standard normal job that keeps on ticking through recessions.

Ah for fucks sake my typing is terrible.

There's a lot of us in the same situation OP. I visited DPs last Saturday - ideally wouldn't have wanted to go so close to the referendum, but he's not been well so I try to visit frequently.

As I walked in the door the first thing DF says is "I'm so happy about the referendum res...." I cut him off there and said that I'd prefer not to discuss it. All fine until he turned on the TV and started swearing at Nicola Sturgeon ( we live in Scotland) and at the EU reps who strangely didn't want UK to dictate the terms of our departure. At this point I had to leave the room.

I'm ok now and secretly rubbing my hands about the Boris backout - they thought Boris was some bloody superstar - so will be interested to see how that is viewed.

I like what people are saying about telling her it's a bit raw at the minute to discuss, then moving the conversation on swiftly.

With DF I had to look at the bigger picture, which is that he is old and unwell. Whilst I fundamentally disagree with his vote ( bit of racism thrown in there as well), I love him as he is my DF and if that was the last time I ever saw him how would I want it to go. That helped me to swallow down the bile a bit.

I'd go with the it's too raw to discuss it approach but tbh I think you will find it very hard to relax and enjoy the time with them as it will always be the elephant in the room. Perhaps better to get it out in the open, she'll realise how upset you both are, she can apologise for upsetting you (if not her actual vote) and you can clear the air and agree to move on. Agree to differ so to speak.

Of course that depends on how reasonable she is and whether you can move on too. This approach would work for me and I've tried it with a family member I've spent time with this week.

twofingerstogideon. Universities? They're hardly going to change in the next couple of years, let alone months. No one knows what the deal is going to be, very very very few people can say with any certainty that their business or job will change right now.

OP - I'm sorry you feel betrayed by your MIL. If it were me I'd reschedule the visit, but I'd be upfront about it. I'd simply tell them that right now you are feeling too raw & upset about the UK's decision to leave the EU, so now is not good time to have company, especially company who voted leave.

I'd ask DH to cancel them. He is tired and may have to work or a quiet weekend is in order. Otherwise things will be said that can't be unsaid.
How often do they visit?If it isn't for a couple of months then things may be a little easier for the next visit when everything isn't as raw. You may have the good news DH has secured a job in some far flung country.

My friends who work in universities say around 15% of students come from the EU, may be more or less at other institutions, so of course contingency plans are being made for a decline in those numbers. Higher tuition fees for uk students are a possible result obviously not for individual unis to decide, cancellation of expansion plans, reduction in number of courses, reduction in headcount. These are all things actively being planned for now. Universities do not sit about waiting to see what will happen, they have to plan for the possibility that overseas student numbers may be reduced.

Well if you have to move overseas taking her grandchildren or potential grandchildren with you she's rather shot herself in the foot hasn't she?

Leavers can reasonably expect us remainers to be civil and respectful of vote but they cannot ask us to be pleased or optimistic. Or endure crowing. That's too much to ask.

Extrahotlattetogo, You only need to see the news yesterday that Heathrow expansion plans are now on hold, that Richard Branson says he has had a project cancelled that would have created 3000 jobs, to know that the impact of brexit is hitting right now. Projects being postponed or cancelled. It's nonsense to say people won't be affected until two years. Watch the bloody news! These projects are being halted right now!

Personally I wouldn't cancel.

It's like a sticking plaster, best to rip it off quickly.

It's been a week now so whilst it's still raw, some time has passed. If you cancel now it becomes the elephant in the room and you may find yourself postponing other visits. Best get it out of the way now.

You may find - if you talk about it at all - that your PILs are bregrexitters ( or whatever the term is). I know that doesn't help your DH's job at all, but may help bridge the gap on feelings.

ExtraHot Universities? They're hardly going to change in the next couple of years, let alone months.

Why not read what I wrote properly - it was in response to this:
Interested to know what job he hasn't stopped doing since the vote but will cease when Brexit happens.
In particular, note the words that say: "when Brexit happens".
Our Vice Chancellor has already pointed out what universities could lose in terms of research money (approx £500,000,000 per year comes from the EU in research funding). There is also uncertainty about a drop in student numbers (EU students currently pay same fees as home students and are unlikely to come if they have to pay 'international' fees) and what will happen to the Erasmus Programme. If we lose research income and student numbers decrease, people will lose their jobs. Do you understand now?