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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family member out of touch with reality

65 replies

Ohsillydillybee · 30/06/2016 01:29

Or am I jealous?

They are looking to move to a different job and want a 15k salary rise, to take them from fairly well-paid to v well-paid by london standards. They are doing well and am happy for them but not in that league myself so it is difficult at times to properly empathise; they have a mortgage while still in mid 20s, planning a (luxury) wedding and enjoy a good lifestyle yet not satisfied. I get it, who is, but find it hard to put self in their position sometimes when I'm not there at all. Feel like I have to grit my teeth sometimes when I hear about paltry 1500k bonus which will dwindle into nothing because it's taxed!

I feel like they are lucky by many standards and should appreciate this rather than complain about lifestyle... But happy to hear the opposing side.

I don't think I'm jealous per se. They are a little older and we are in very different life stages.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 30/06/2016 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ohsillydillybee · 30/06/2016 06:17

Coconutty I don't, not at all. Just gets my goat when they are very comfortable (good for them) but complain about how it could be better. Pretty crass.

OP posts:

AvonleaAnne · 30/06/2016 06:20

£1.5k is not a great bonus. They might be upset because they are worried that they are underperforming rather than being greedy and wanting more money?

Original poster

Ohsillydillybee · 30/06/2016 06:22

The 1.5k was an unexpected bonus in an industry that doesn't have a bonus culture. Everyone else received similar and/or less afaik. Issue was that tax would decimate amount so what was the point

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/06/2016 06:25

Some people are ambitious, money driven etc. It doesn't make them a bad person, although it might make them bad company if they keep whinging about their lot.

I say good on them to have ambition, and to want to get ahead. If they are in their 20s they may not have a family so it's a great time to build a career.

branofthemist · 30/06/2016 06:30

I worked in a fairly reasonably paid job for here (20k) and yes my bonus had barely anything left after tax. It can be frustrating.

I think you are both out of touch with each others reality.

But it's hard to listen to others moan when they are in a good or better position. I hear my brother and sil moan about not affording a family holiday for years. However both have several expensive weekends away every year with their friends. We can afford one cheap family holiday every couple of years. But don't go away at other times.

I have now started pointing out why he can't afford it when he moans and tells me I am lucky. Nothing nasty. But something along the lines of 'yes we are lucky, but it means I can't afford stag/hen parties to Dublin/Prague: London....if you want a family holiday...decline some invitations'

branofthemist · 30/06/2016 06:31

And I also don't think being ambitious is a bad thing. Twenties is a good time to cement your career especially if you want kids later on.

Flowerfriday · 30/06/2016 06:42

I think that you are being a bit green.

They are moaning about the bonus payments due to loosing a chunk of it it to tax, well yes who doesn't feel like that. The thing with bonus payments is that you get to expect/rely on them.

I think 60k in London with a mortgage and wedding will mean that they don't have masses of spare cash.

It's all relative really, the more you earn the more you spend etc etc. My DH earns a stupid amount. My DB is definitely jealous, I can see why.

stumblymonkey · 30/06/2016 06:43

The thing is if you applied your logic to everything none of us would ever be able to moan about anything because there is always someone in a worse position than us.

Mumsnet would become very quiet

Do you never, ever moan about money? What about people who earn less than you?

It's all relative...I sometimes moan about money and I earn six figures but things are still (relatively speaking) quite tight for me at the moment as we have a large rent (Surrey), are paying for a wedding (fairly luxury), saving for me to take mat leave (will need to save £30k as I'm the breadwinner and have no enhanced mat pay), saving for a house deposit (need £40k).

So yes, I earn a lot but across all those things it's a bit of a stretch (relatively speaking).

OneEpisode · 30/06/2016 06:54

YANBU. "Dwindle into nothing because it's taxed" was enough for that.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 07:42

Jealous much ?

Sorry but you sound awful. What's wrong with having ambition ?
Some industries pay better than others and often have disadvantages you don't realise . A good example is IT many jobs claim to be 9 to 5 but the reality is there's extra and anti social hours all unpaid especially around rollouts , your perception might be similar to the "teachers only work til 3pm and get long holidays" brigade. Most businesses don't pay or bonus more than an employee is worth.

OneEpisode · 30/06/2016 07:46

There is nothing wrong with ambition, but complaining about being wealthier than most of the world? Their social set seems narrow. The op is providing a service if she is able to widen their view?

fastdaytears · 30/06/2016 07:48

We are all wealthier than most of the rest of the world if you look globally but that doesn't stop people moaning does it?

whois · 30/06/2016 08:03

Well £60k isn't THAT well paid in london, and £1.5k is a shit bonus. Almost better not to have one that to get excited and then end up with £800 after tax.

Foslady · 30/06/2016 08:13

Last bonus I got was a £20 Argos voucher 10 years ago! I can see where you are coming from but I think a lot of people just compare themselves to those better off and not worse

Hotbot · 30/06/2016 08:23

Bonus is just that, an extra , a treat.

EBearhug · 30/06/2016 08:27

Even after tax - it might be £800 rather than £1500, but it is actually better than nothing.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 30/06/2016 08:40

They do sound a bit whingy and as if they will never be happy or have "enough" no matter what. I think that is more the problem and the numbers are irrelevant (though the fact they are not living hand to mouth is relevant).

I did have a job for a few years in the late 90s where the bonus was usually roughly my salary again (not the first one after I joined, but once I'd been there 18 months or so) - you were obviously not supposed to rely on it and the employer would have been within their rights not to give a bonus, but with that culture everyone would have been somewhat shocked if they had worked just as hard as the previous year...

Since then I have always had jobs without any bonus culture and of course your expectations are in line with the job you are in.

But that doesn't sound as if it's the case for your relative.

Its more the case that your relative is one of those people who thinks they personally shouldn't have to pay tax isn't it?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 30/06/2016 08:43

whois there are not many people who would rather have 0 than a 1500 bonus on which they are taxed, leaving them with 800.

800 pounds in my pocket and 700 pounds I never actually had tax paid or 0 pounds in my pocket, hmm which shall I choose?

origamiwarrior · 30/06/2016 08:43

It's all relative. I get about £1.5 K bonus a year. The office gets very excited in the run up, and I'm very grateful to have it, but I do find it hard to sound overly enthusiastic about it to my boss when the same day my DH gets a bonus three times my annual FTE salary......

But, having said that, DH's bonus gets invested, whereas we do treat ourselves (meal out/new clothes/stuff for house) with my bonus, so it is noticed and appreciated.

fastdaytears · 30/06/2016 08:45

Bonus is just that, an extra , a treat.

Not in all industries. Even if it's technically discretionary it's a central part of some people's remuneration and relied on.

Gazelda · 30/06/2016 08:48

Do they constantly moan or complain? Or was it just one or two comments to say that they're looking to move to a better paid job, and a winge about their tax bracket in relation to the bonus?
If it's the former, then they are crass and I'd tell them to count themselves fortunate.
If it's the latter, then it's normal, many of us do it, they sound ambitious and to be honest you sound jealous.

fastdaytears · 30/06/2016 08:52

Wanting to move to a better paid job is not U, and if it's the first time she's had a bonus then she might be surprised that she gets taxed and SL deductions. It seems obvious to most of us but it does come as a shock to some people to see that it does count for all that.

corythatwas · 30/06/2016 08:52

I suspect this isn't about the actual money, but about the fact that their conversation is a bit boring because a lot of it is taken up by moaning and expecting the OP to sympathise.

I know the kind of person. But there is really nothing you can do except be the better person, tactfully change the conversation and try to find other interesting topics. And stay cheerful. Don't let it descend into competitive hard-done-by-ness: if your relative has that attitude you are never going to win anyway.

Piemernator · 30/06/2016 08:54

It is their reality though isn't it.
Boasting is not a great trait but neither is whining.

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