Children & funerals

[Balletgirlmum]

This isn't really an AIBU more of a what would you do.

My grandmother died at the weekend. My children are 12 & 14. They wernt very close. She didn't really recognise them but they visited once or twice a year maybe.

My mum was her main carer. She visited twice a day. My grandmother was in constant pain so it's a blessing really.

Ds has told us that he thinks he's old enough to go to the funeral & pay his respects. He's a very sensitive child. My mum doesn't want him to go. She thinks children shouldn't go to funerals until ar least around the age of 15.

So what should I do. Whose wishes do I respect?

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I see that no-one has asked the question I am going to ask: will there be an open casket? This might be disturbing for your DS.

(For the record, I'm Anglo-Canadian, and every funeral I've been to has been open casket.)

When my mother died DS was eleven. I wasn't going to let him go, and DW rather leaned against it; but my sister urged me to take him and I did and she was right. DW's brothers, both very close to DS, kindly came and gave him a lot of support.

OP If you think they will cope, perhaps with your mother being very upset, they should go.

Heck my mum died with I was 13. I was very glad I had already been to my grandad's funeral a few years before.

I appreciate it's very distressing for your mum and it's worth finding out why she doesn't want them there but if she thinks she's protecting them or can't be herself she needs to think of the bigger picture.

Death and the rituals surrounding it are a part of life. What would ANYONE gain from hiding a child from the realities that is life?

I do find this quite unfathomable and staggering. Why 15? What is the difference between a 14 year old and a 15 year old? Age doesn't define the moment of being 'ready' to accept it.

I was sheltered from funerals. Never knew why. I remember being 7 or 8 sitting in the car outside the church then the cemetery with my then 10/11 year old brother at the funeral of my DGM's brother whom we knew. We went to the wake though.

My first funeral was only 2 years ago. It was my FIL and I was 35 at the time. My FIRST EVER funeral. I had no idea what to expect.

I insisted that my 2 year old son came along as did my DH. The older generation were quite shocked by this but the funeral director put calm to those fears by announcing how wonderful it was to see small children participating in such an important, family passage and life ritual. He said that children bring a different dimension to funerals and often 'lighten the mood'. Afterwards, the elder generation commented on how lovely it was to see children at the funeral and fitted perfectly with the whole 'this is us; this is who we are as a family'.

Andylion no funeral I have been to in the UK has been open casket. And only one (my grandfather's at the end of the sixties) has had people "paying respects to the dead" beforehand.

I did double check for my DCs' Grandad's funeral recently, but I would tend to assume not (in the UK). I think it is much more a US thing.

In my culture it's usual for children to attend funerals, the first funeral I remember attending was my GF when I was 3, I took my DD, then aged 2, to my dads funeral. Funerals are an important rite of passage to honour the memory of the dead and IMO it would be cruel to exclude certain family members such as children.

Especially if your children have specifically requested to attend, I think their wishes should be respected and they should be brought to be funeral. Secondary aged children are also too old to be disruptive during the service so they would be unlikely to be conspicuous.

I went to a funeral of a friend, who died last year. Her children aged 5 & 7 went - how could they not go to their mother's funeral? It was open casket at the crematorium.

I was 18 when my darling Grandad died and his cremation was the first funeral I had ever attended. I can honestly say it was the most traumatic thing I had ever been through. When we lost a very close personal friend who was like an uncle to my DC they didn't attend the funeral. They went to school and once headstone was in place we went down and lay flowers. This is their special place to remember him. Maybe do the same?

Andylion no funeral I have been to in the UK has been open casket. And only one (my grandfather's at the end of the sixties) has had people "paying respects to the dead" beforehand
Mummy, you're right. At the funerals themselves, the casket was closed, but they all had visitation at least one day before and some had the a short visitation just before the funeral.