Children & funerals

[Balletgirlmum]

This isn't really an AIBU more of a what would you do.

My grandmother died at the weekend. My children are 12 & 14. They wernt very close. She didn't really recognise them but they visited once or twice a year maybe.

My mum was her main carer. She visited twice a day. My grandmother was in constant pain so it's a blessing really.

Ds has told us that he thinks he's old enough to go to the funeral & pay his respects. He's a very sensitive child. My mum doesn't want him to go. She thinks children shouldn't go to funerals until ar least around the age of 15.

So what should I do. Whose wishes do I respect?

[CarrotVan]

My DS is 3 and has been to 4 funerals - 3 elderly relatives and one teenage cousin.

By the age of 12 I'd been to countless funerals. When old people died in the parish but had no family then the linked school would send a troop of kids to sing the hymns and do the readings.

Better to be accepting of death and illness than for it to be a scary forbidden thing

[CPtart]

My DC aged 10 and 13 went to my grandmother's funeral earlier this year. I don't think it's too young. I think death is part of life and it's no bad thing for children to see family upset at the passing of others, mourn, and move forwards.

[suit2845321oie]

12 & 14 are fine. I don't take younger children to funerals and my DD recently went to her first one at 13 and found it hard and she chose not to go to the burial. I wouldn't have wanted her there much younger

[LousterTheRooster]

It's a tough one because you obviously don't want to upset your mum and I'm not sure what you could say to change her mind if she's set in her ways, and I mean that in the nicest way because there seems to be an age old tradition amongst older people that a funeral is no place for children. 30 something years ago, when my cousin died, I wasn't allowed to attend (in fact, neither was my mum - funerals were apparently not a place for women! . It really upset me, he spent a lot of time at our house and I wanted to say goodbye.

Fast forward to 2 and a half years ago when my own son died. The crematorium was packed out with his peers, average age 15, most of them without their parents for support (Christmas time, 2 and a half hour drive away, school put on buses to transport them all). My remaining children at the time were aged 7, 9 and 18. It was special for all of them (special? It was amazing to see that they had bothered, that they wanted to be there to pay their respects), they all wanted to say their goodbyes. My 7 year old daughter even stood up in front of everyone to make a speech.

I am of the firm belief that children absolutely should be welcomed at funerals. As a PP said, death is a part of life, why should we try to shield children from it? It's not about them being upset, we're all upset, and that's healthy. It's a part of growing, learning about life and death.

Not sure how easy it will be to convince your mum OP but children need to grieve and say goodbye too, it's normal.

for you.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

You know your children best, but I would have thought they're old enough, that is if they want to go.

My dd aged 11 came to my father's funeral and my Mil's - both within about 6 months - she wanted to say goodbye to them, and although she was upset she was glad she had gone.
However other dd was 3 years younger and didn't express any desire to go - I think the thought maybe worried or scared her, so I arranged for her to stay with a friend.

It's easier when they are too,little to understand. I well remember a nephew of 3 playing with his cars in the soil around the edge of my granny's grave! My lovely granny would have approved entirely.

[LBOCS2]

Your elder DC is in the process of bridging the gap into adulthood, and I think that that should be recognised and they should be allowed to go - it may be that your DM still sees them as children, rather than trying-to-be young adults, and she's saying it from that POV.

My DC were very close to their great grandad and they went to his funeral, at 8 and 3 - we gave the 8yo a choice and he felt very strongly that he wanted a chance to say goodbye.

[LousterTheRooster]

itsmine

I agree with you to some extent. Of course the main mourner should have some say but really, there isn't just one mourner and there isn't just one person that thinks it's shit that someone has died. There is an old fashioned view that children shouldn't go to funerals, maybe OPs mum has this view, I don't know her so can't comment from a personal viewpoint.

My personal opinion is that children shouldn't be denied the right to say goodbye, go to a funeral, watch people get pissed at the wake. OPs mum may indeed not feel that this is necessary and may make every effort to make sure that children under - insert a certain age - do not attend but I don't think it's right. She's obviously not the only person that this affects and to deny people that right is, I think, selfish.

OP, I'm really not saying that your mum is a selfish person but grief brings out different things in different people and maybe, if there hasn't been a death in the family for a while then maybe she also doesn't see anything wrong in not wanting children there because that's what she thinks is normal. I personally don't understand it but maybe that's what she's used to? I don't know.

[ParadiseCity]

My DC have been to loads of funerals, imo it is part of life and generally nothing to shield children from. I'm sorry for your loss x

[mirime]

I desperately wanted to go to my grandfathers funeral when I was 9 but wasn't allowed. I still regret that now, nearly 30 years later.

I would try and organise it for DS to go.

[AuntieStella]

You have to talk to your Mum, who is grieving for her Mum

Because it's not worth upsetting her further if she really doesn't wan him there, and not fair to take him against the wishes of the chief mourner.

But what she's said is general enough for you to have a (very gentle) word about this, to establish if it is her settled wish, or misplaced concern for your DC.

I think they are plenty old enough, but there's no way I'd go against my Mum's wishes in these sorts of circumstances.

[Oblomov16]

We are going to my mil funeral tomorrow. She was totally lovely. My boys are a similar age to yours, my youngest is slightly younger.
Your 2 should go, age wise.

[SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad]

I wasn't allowed to go to my DGF's funeral because I was 'too young' - I was 16, and we'd always lived with my GPs. My GF was a huge influence on me and I loved him very much. I'm now 67, and I can still feel the emotion that I felt watching the cortege pull away without me, as I stood outside the house with tears running down my cheeks.
Please let your children go if they wish to, they aren't too young

[Witchend]

Why does he want to go would be where I would approach it from?

Is it he wants to pay respects to her and dies feel it us how he wishes to say goodbye.
Or is it more he sees it as a bit of an excuse to get out of school and fancies a day out not really minding what it's about?
(we have a little of the latter in our house at the moment which I'm trying to distangle at present)

[umizoomi]

At that age, up to the kids I think. I really didn't want to attend my gran's funeral when I was 12, my mum was quite upset but my grandpa said none of the grandchildren needed to attend if they didn't want to. My cousins were 15 and 17 and they went. Grandpa always maintained both of them always knew how much we loved them both so no matter. I don't regret it and I am 42 now!

If they want to go fine, if not don't force them.

Death is a fact of life but we all see plenty of it to worry about whether kids should attend funerals or not.

[DigestiveBiscuit]

I went to my grandfather's memorial service at 7, and never regretted it. My dcs went to my father's funeral at 12 and over. They took part in it - at his express wish, and they were very proud of it!

I don't agree that the chief mourner's wishes have to come first. It's not like OP is talking about screaming babies and toddlers! IME, the chief mourner can be understandably selfish, as if they are the only person affected. It's part of their grief, but they don't recognise what is important to others in the family. Death is part of life, and the funeral is a formal, public part of closure and children should get the chance to say goodbye, if they want. It's up to the OP to give her children the chance to go, then explain it to her mother, if necessary.

[WreckingBallsInsideMyHead]

They should be allowed to go.

It's ok for them to stay in the background (with your DP maybe?) while you are more involved and with your mum.

They're not toddlers, they can be trusted to behave appropriately (reminders beforehand about no phone checking st the service and anything they may not realise is expected).

[willfuckformichilenstarfood]

At the age of 9 I didn't attend my grandad's funeral.
I've now lost all my grandparents, he's the only one I feel upset about and cry. I was no closer to him than my other grandparents. Maybe it was my age, maybe not but I think it's because I didn't attend his funeral X

[I8toys]

I am one for facing up to things and being realistic. Death is unfortunately part of life.

I took my ds 2 when he was 5 to his best friend's mother's funeral. Purely for the son for support. He got fidgety and I took him outside part way through but they then released balloons for her outside and the children joined in.

[ConfuciousSayWhat]

I'd say leave the 12 year old at home and take the 14 year old.

I took mine (tweens) to my nans funeral but they were extremely close. There were children there I'd never met and it angered me when they started getting bored and disruptive.

Flip side is funerals are public events and anyone can attend who wishes to pay their respects

[jennasmith951]

its up to the kids really, I wouldn't stop them from going if they wished to

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

I'd been to loads of funerals by that age and I was a sensitive child (I'm a sensitive adult, too). I don't think I was even asked - as a family we consider funerals obligatory. I still do.

I'd find out why your dm is so set against it, but your dc aren't that small any more. I would bring them. I think we should be more open about death, rather than less.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Forgot to add - i'm sorry for your loss. There are hints at some truly tragic stories on this thread too, so to all pps -

[Balletgirlmum]

Witch end - he finishes school next week. The death has been referred to the coroner so the funeral won't be at least until the week after.

[MrsMook]

The first funeral I went to was my dad's. I was 11 and it was a sudden death. My cousin's of a similar age zone were there too. A funeral is an important part of saying goodbye and the grieving process. The ceremony was sad, but the wake was a celebration of life and there were many smiles.

I wasn't taken to a grandmother's funeral when I was 5 which was the only previous family funeral. I remember that day, and I don't know if it would have eased the feeling of the unknown for my dad's. It would have meant that my dad's wasn't my first point of reference.

In secondary school, it's normal for that age range to attend.

It was requested that my DCs then 18m and 3 didn't attend my grandfather's funeral- at that age it would be stressful ensuring that they weren't distracting to others, but my oldest is now 5 and quite sensible and able to sit quietly. I feel that he is ready to attend, but my 3 year old wouldn't be.