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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my sister to come on holiday with me?

63 replies

CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 21:39

So in a nutshell me and my slightly older sister have a horrible relationship. Yes there are two sides to every story, but this woman has physically attacked me (I never retaliate) and been horrible and vindictive. She is horrid!

But - my niece is just gorgeous and get a on so well with my daughter. Despite my differences with my sister it's rather important to me for the girls to have a good relationship.

So - AIBU.

I want to take both girls on a week long holiday at the end of the summer holidays, all booked and paid for by me (and I have no issue with that at all it was my idea) I had a vague agreement and I went ahead and booked for the three of us.

Today my sister says if she can't come on holiday with us, niece can't come. I said I don't think it's a good idea for us to be cooped up miles away fromy anyone. And when we do fall out ( it really is a case of when not if) I don't want the girls to see anymore fighting between us.
She said I needed to be an adult about it??!!??

Hmmmm so ( and there is obviously loads missing but I hope you get the gist)
AIBU to deprive my niece of a holiday because of her mum?

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 27/06/2016 22:31

You can't do anything with a drunk. You can't cure them, you can't make them behave well, you can't stop them drinking.

So I think going on holiday with her is out of the question.

Sadly this will not be her daughter's first disappointment, or her last.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 22:33

No - I may jot get the money back but not a big issue in my mind....

And despite us really disliking each other, when we get along its great.. but just often so short before the next falling out, so I just avoid her.

I do feel bad, but my dd and I will have a great time.... there is still 2 months, she may change her mind ( she was drunk on the phone and also really pissed off about her ex) so maybe it wasn't the right time to talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 22:34

Thank you - I know I wasn't being unreasonable - and the guilt will fade, just sad for DN and DD

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 22:37

I know Piglet - I am scared she will make this my fault - nothing is ever her fault she bears no responsibility for anything and it's always someone's else's fault Sad

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 27/06/2016 22:39

I know this just about a holiday and you've said your Mum lives with your Sister but are SS or Childrens services involved at all with your DN life?

If not OP they really should be,your Sister is an alcoholic who can turn violent,even if she's not violent in front of your DN her being drunk and making threats,putting her self before her DD(if she can't come her DD can't)who does that kind of shit,not a decent parent I can tell you that now!

You've said that you lived through the same,so your Sisters behaviour is no doubt learnt behaviour,what if this carrys on for the nest generation and the one after that.Your Sister could be setting your poor DN up to become the same sort of adult as her Mother.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 22:44

No social services involvement (that's a long story) but as my mum is essentially my DN care giver she is safe, loved and looked after. My sister venom is reserved for the likes of me and the ex.

In all honesty the alcohol has made her very ill so sooner or later she will need to come to terms with that.

The reason I stay clear is that I do not want the children witnessing the arguing - although a little too late for my dd!

I am not minimising the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. But this is exactly why she cannot come with me- I set her off and I don't want to be responsible for her

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 27/06/2016 22:53

Do not let her go with you. Tell her sorry but you cannot have a holiday with her and if that means your niece can't come either, well so be it.

I have a difficult sister (not half or a quarter as difficult as yours mind you) and as I get older I realise we can sustain a good relationship if I really minimise the time we spend together.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 22:55

Yeah... I must admit I have no idea why I am so surprised... this is typically her....

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 27/06/2016 22:59
Flowers
Unicorntrainer · 27/06/2016 23:21

Give her some time to calm down (and sober up) and point out that it will give her some time on her own to chill and do her own thing. If that doesn't work then I would go on your own with dd. But a lovely idea of yours OP, I hope things go how you want them to.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 23:22

Thank you Unicorn! I have no doubt she will be calling in a few weeks for something or other... I really do hope she changes her mind for the girls sakes.....

OP posts:
magoria · 27/06/2016 23:26

Hell would freeze before I would go on a holiday with my sister.

She may get drunk and start on you with 2 vulnerable children, trapped with no where to go until the end of the holiday.

She may get drunk and start on random strangers with you and the DC around.

Even if she doesn't you will be on edge the whole break waiting for it to happen. Not a holiday for you at all.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 27/06/2016 23:29

That's exactly my fear magoria - she is a sneaky drinker so you only find the bottles when they are empty :( it's not worth the risk

I only want my DN to come and if she can't then we will cope and I will learn from this.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 28/06/2016 07:53

YANBU to not want to go on holiday with your sister.

YABU to expect to take your sisters child on holiday without her unless your sister is 100% happy with this.

YWBVVU to book a holiday including your sister's child without a very clear agreement with your sister.

You screwed up on this one I'm afraid and now you need to either include your sister or to take full responsibility with your nice for her disappointment.

whois · 28/06/2016 07:59

You screwed up on this one I'm afraid and now you need to either include your sister or to take full responsibility with your nice for her disappointment.

No she doesn't. Her sister said she could take DN away as long as they spent more time together before hand.

Sister is the U one.

AnnaMarlowe · 28/06/2016 08:14

I wouldn't add your sister to the holiday, clearly that won't go well.

However I personally wouldn't have wanted my 6 year old to go away from me for a week (and I really like my sister!) so she's not being unreasonable. She's young to be away so long IMO.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 28/06/2016 08:28

That's fair enough - in hindsight I do accept some of the responsibility for this mess.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 28/06/2016 08:40

I'd reply to her, "well thats too bad, you can let DN know she won't be coming with me and Dd, I'll change the booking to just us or maybe take one of Dd's friends, bye"
Then leave it. If in a couple of weeks she changes her mind take DN with you, if not wait till the latest you can change it and ask one of Dd's friends to come instead.

WeekendAway · 28/06/2016 08:42

I think if the relationship between you and your sister is a toxic and as hopeless as you say it is, the you should just give up on her and accept that an unfortunate casualty of that is a relationship with your niece.

She's only six, she'll get over it and so will your daughter. Just tell her theyve move a long way away or something. It seems far too complicated and unworkable to have a polite and civil distance from your sister while insisting that you have regular access to her DD.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 28/06/2016 08:42

Thanks - it'll be fine and work out in the end!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 28/06/2016 08:42

Thanks - it'll be fine and work out in the end!

OP posts:
eurochick · 28/06/2016 08:44

I'm not sure insurance will cover this situation.

Original poster
CrazyDuchess · 28/06/2016 08:45

No Euro - probably not.... I will try and fill yhe place before cutting my losses Smile

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 08:54

YANBU.

user1465823522 · 28/06/2016 09:38

in all honesty I wouldn't be happy with someone I didnt get along with taking my kid a hundred miles away for a holiday, so I can sort fo see where your sister is coming from on this.

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