Why would somebody be middle aged and never have had any friends?

[nuttymango]

Somebody I know very vaguely was talking the other day and I asked what they did when they went out with their friends (they asked me the same question). They said that they didn't have any and that they'd never had any friends even when they were at school.

I was quite and about it, I mean how can somebody get to that age and not have made a few friends along the way? AIBU not to know where to go from here, I mean they must have told me for a reason.

I'm ASD.
I have one friend who has been my friend since primary (when we were that age ASD and aspergers were unheard of, best case I would be considered eccentric) we are still friends.

In a cold clinical way I don't need friends so I don't invest my time finding any.
Doesn't mean I'm being selfish just my needs are met.

I can't see what's wrong with being pitied (or appreciated etc) as opposed to blamed for traits that aren't our fault. I too have Aspergers, as does my DS and partner. I don't know about being selfish, but DS is certainly not thoughtful or considerate for instance. I thinks he cares about things when they are pointed out to him, but he is usually quite self-absorbed.
Personally I feel grateful to people like Maggie who at least try to see beyond the surface, even if clumsily. Not many people do ime.

Viewing being on autistic spectrum as selfishness is very far from looking below the surface

Pity doesn't bother me either.

Although I can't speak for everyone I would guess that it's literally meaning is meant so not condescending or mawkish but sympathetic and understanding.

I dont have many friends.

This is partly due to me being quite a shy person and partly because throughout my life people who i thought were my friends have stabbed me in the back so i find it hard to trust.

Perhaps she isn't a friendly type interested in other people, and is shy. perhaps when she is approached and abrupt when responding.

I can see how it happens, also I have come across women whose partners do not "like" to have friends and wouldn't socialise being of the opinion that husband and wife should be "enough" for one another.

Enid no, they have never married or had children. I did wonder if they wanted friendship as their question didn't seem to be the usual type of making conversation. I'll see them in a few days I think.

I don't have any friends either and I'm nearly 40. I'm quite outgoing and sociable at work yet I feel crippled with insecurity in social situations. Mostly convinced that people don't like me. I was bullied at school and never really belonged in the clique, it's affected me way beyond school years.

I had bad social anxiety at school and have never been able to make real friends, though not as bad still suffer with it. I am happier just sticking with my family.

I obviously don't. It was my birthday last week and the only people to send me greetings were relatives, godparents and the wife of one of DH's friends. None of my friends. I'm not worth the bother I suppose. It makes sense, I don't know why anyone would want to be friends with me. It's hard when the realization hits each time.

Belated happy birthday dolphin Hope you did something nice.

I'm not sure I can really help feeling sorrow and compassion (aka pity according to the dictionary), so I'm afraid I won't be able to take my pity and stuff it as I've been asked to by another poster. I can't really help the emotional reaction I have, more than anyone else can.

Life is hard without friends, I do genuinely feel sorry for anyone who struggles with this why does it matter if they have aspergers or not?

The person I referred to concerned ended up with a lot of people hating her due to how her social difficulties presented, and not showing any allowance for her condition. I like to think I was more respectful of the fact that she struggled due to her condition, not asking for a pat on the back but not to be slated either.

Would you rather I had thought the same of her as her peers did?

You can help calling her selfish though.

Possibly she found it hard to see other people's points of view. But she wasn't selfish she was not NT.

Calling her terms like selfish make you no better than others who made no allowances for her condition, sorry.

OK, she wasn't intentionally selfish but she couldn't see others needs and other people interpreted that as selfishness, maybe there is another word or phrase I could have used can you suggest one?

I think you're being rather harsh on me saying as the whole point of my post was to say that I wasn't blaming her for how she was, yet others were.

I already suggested one.

I was about to apologise for my post in the night. .I was tired...but..hmm.

Nothing to say to you.

Apart from..wow glad I have you to fight for my NT needs.

which illustrates my point perfectly fanjo. you can only see things from one side.

Well I am NT. So can see both sides.

Are you going to tell me I am the "SN brigade" next.

Boring.

Does she seem happy though? I have lots of friends and couldn't imagine not having them but my best friend only had one friend which is me and he's perfectly happy with that. If she's happy, leave her be.

I don't have anyone I would really call a 'best friend' either, and not even anyone that I would call in an emergency. It makes me sad sometimes, but I'm ok with my own company (and often prefer it). I have a lot of acquaintances, and people I talk to in the context of my hobby and work, but no one that I'd talk anything personal with. I'm also friendly with people in the community that I plan on moving to (currently it's where my holiday house is) but tend to prefer to be 'good neighbours' rather than 'good friends' as I would hate to try for a close friendship and it not go well in a small town that I plan to spend the rest of my life in.

My mother has no friends
She's had friends, lasting around one year, until undiagnosed borderline kicks in, gloss wears off and she starts manipulating them, using them, and making them responsible for her

I've met so many 'new faces' that then vanish or tell me bizarre no boundaries type tales.

Be wary !

I wouldn't talk to her about it, but ask her to join you for something if you think she might like friends, and you like her. I would probably say tell someone that I don't really have much in the way of friends, if I wanted them to be friends with me but wasn't sure enough of myself to ask them to do something. I'd be hoping that they'd take it as an indirect hint. But I am excruciatingly shy. A conversation about it would be awful, but a gradually developing friendship would be nice.