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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed about this on DD's school report?

54 replies

LittleMiniPainAuChocolat · 21/06/2016 20:43

DD is year 6, and is aged 11. For this whole school year she has been given a hard time by a girl in her class who told DD at the beginning of the year that she was going to make things up about DD and continue doing this until DD left the school because of it. She also gets others to join in.

The school haven't been that great about it. Initially they kept telling DD off as this girl's parents kept going into the school about the lies their DD was telling them but when I put the school straight about this they just told DD to ignore it, but said to me that it's easier said than done to stop the girl's lies and that by the time they'd put a stop to it then it would be the end of the school year anyway!

Today I have had DD's school report and one of the comments on there said something along the lines of "DD has had lots of problems getting on with a fellow pupil this year". As if it's DD's fault!

I want to complain to the school as I am worried they will be painting DD to her secondary school as someone who can't get along with others, but DH says to leave it.

I'm so cross about it, I feel like I can't just leave it!

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 21/06/2016 21:43

You've got, what, 4 more weeks at the primary? No point in doing anything, just shake the dust off your shoes as you leave.

It's good that they will be in different year halves, chances are they won't even see each other again, let alone interact.

Beeziekn33ze · 21/06/2016 21:43

OP - would you be ok with the comment if 'getting' were removed?

Original poster
LittleMiniPainAuChocolat · 21/06/2016 21:45

Noble unfortunately this girl lives very near us so I think she will probably still find a way to get to DD when she can. She is like a dog with a bone when she picks on someone.

OP posts:
apple1992 · 21/06/2016 21:48

The secondary won't see it.

PosiePootlePerkins · 21/06/2016 21:51

I don't think the school have dealt with it at all well. Unfortunately some schools try and sweep this sort of thing under the carpet rather than deal with it head on. Its a shame your DD has had to put up wth it and extremely difficult to know how to advise her to deal with it.
Regarding the report is there a space to put your feedback at the bottom of the acknowledgement slip? I would write something like 'We have been disappointed that the ongoing issues Dd has had with another pupil have not been effectively resolved and are welcoming a fresh start at Senior School in September.'

noblegiraffe · 21/06/2016 21:51

I think even if she lives near you, it'll be fine. This girl is also starting secondary, going from being a big to a little fish, new friendship groups, timetables, homework and all that. She will have way bigger things to worry about than carrying on something from primary which will seem very far away and a long time ago, with a girl that she never sees any more.

The summer will be a good break before the fresh start too.

BoatyMcBoat · 21/06/2016 21:54

Tbh, it sounds like this is something the girl does every year - picks someone and bullies them. As she's not going to be in your dd's class she'll probably pick on someone else next year, and your dd will be fine.

I would, if you get the chance, just mention it to the new year head in case.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/06/2016 21:56

FWIW I was / am gifted at maths. The level of gifted that can be problematic if it isn't recognised.

Before I went to secondary school this was listed on my report, it was flagged on some list or other and my teacher wrote to the head of maths.

First parents evening my maths teacher said nicely to parents "I really wasn't expecting a child like Mumoftwo in my class". As he was the head of maths my parents were a little surprised!

MissClarke86 · 21/06/2016 21:57

Should they have written "DD has been bullied by another girl" or lied and pretended all her social interactions were fine?

cansu · 21/06/2016 21:59

Maybe other girls parents would see things differently. Maybe teacher sees both girls as being equally responsible. In this context the sentence you object to does not sound so unreasonable. I would leave it. Even if teacher deletes it what difference would it make?

Original poster
LittleMiniPainAuChocolat · 21/06/2016 22:05

MissClarke yes I'd find the bullying sentence preferable tbh. At least it acknowledges that DD was bullied! DD's social interactions were fine apart from this girl picking at her. I don't think it's fair for the school to make out that DD has had problems getting along with people when it was this girl causing the problems.

OP posts:
Notcontent · 21/06/2016 22:18

I think you are quite justified in getting angry about this. In my experience schools hate dealing with bullying. They like to pretend that it doesn't happen and often try to portray it as children not "getting on" or other such nonsense.

Robbo78 · 21/06/2016 22:24

I agree with OvariesBeforeBrovaries, don't settle for the year 6 girls are just bitchy theory. I became a bully at this age, i was miserable at
home living with an alcoholic mother and took that misery out on a quiet but clever girl with a loving family. Im glad to this day that the school intervened so quickly and no i never repeated that behaviour, think i broke down and recieved some help for my own miserable self-esteem. I think about it often.

TopazRocks · 21/06/2016 22:24

OP, what does your dd feel about the remark in the report? Does she feel it's victim-blaming? Personally - I am 'projecting muchly' !! here as was bullied relentlessly in school and it has affected my adult life - I would have wanted my mum to stick up for me. Perhaps ask for the sentence to be changed - or your sentence about bullying being added. But if your dd doesn't want a fuss, you have to respect that too. I suppose my concern would be a different/new teacher coming along, reading the report as it is, and gettign the wrong end of stick.

GDarling · 21/06/2016 22:30

Your poor DD, it will scar her for life if you don't stop it now as if the girl is local to where you live, it might never stop, she could keep going, all through your DD's Young years.
My son had a boy who would say the most horrid things to him about me, my DD and my DS, one day I had had enough, I walked up to the boy with a smile on my face, I said ' Don't F talk to my son, don't F look at my son and if you dare F talk about me or my family again, I know where you live, I'll send some F horrid people around your house at night to sort you and your F family out' and every day after school I was at the gate staring at him, it stopped there and then, even now if I see him I give him the stare!!
It's cruel to leave it any longer, how would you like to be in her shoes?
Don't tell anyone by the way!!!!!
By the way I hope you haven't put your DD in the same school as the devil child.

londonmummy1966 · 21/06/2016 22:41

I feel your pain little mini I really do. Both my dds had issues with bullying in years 5/6. The elder one was also a breach of schools IT policy so easy enough to go in heavy handed over although not nice at the time. DD2 had persistent problems from the same set of twins throughout primary.It was dealt with well in year 1 but not thereafter (change of head). School just ignored it and said it was all part of learning to get along (when two people are working together to frame you...)

New school different approach. Girls who make things up are expected to apologise not just to the victim but to all recipients of the false information as they have lied to them. Repeat offences are rare.

OP get the comment taken off if it bothers you but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. MOre to the point - find out what the anti bullying policies are at the new school and make sure that they are adhered to.

shiveringhiccup · 21/06/2016 22:52

Didn't realise bullying was acceptable and actually the victim's fault if you're a girl and in year 6. Hmm Some PPs need to get a grip and stop victim blaming.

Sounds tough OP. I'd speak to school to complain and get it amended, and think about speaking to secondary to get things set up for next year. Good luck, hope things get better for your DD soon.

Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2016 22:52

TheTroubleWithAngels re "She has had problems with a fellow pupil this year and you are overreacting."

Sorry but that's rubbish as is the comment that it is year six girls winding each other up! This kind of thing is said and mabe is isometimes the case BUT scratch the surface and you may well find this other child has had 'issues' with several girls or rather several other girls have been bullied by her.

The school is lazy and sad for not taking this seriously.

Totally agree with OvariesBeforeboveries... " I'd raise it with the primary school in a "you haven't safeguarded my daughter" way, "

I hop ethey amend the report and I hope you make sure, LittleMiniPainAuChocolat that your dd is not in the same class or groups with this girl.

Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2016 22:58

PS LittleMiniPainAuChocolatalways keep your daughter in the loop and consult her on what you will plan to do, it is empowering for her.

In your shoes I'd arrange a meeting on neutral ground with the other mum and try and find a way to tackle this together, in a nice way, get her on side, "...this is all causing issues let's tackle... " it without implying your own dd is at fault.

Good luck. Thanks

Orwellschild · 21/06/2016 23:10

Should an 11 year old have a phone and an Instagram account?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/06/2016 23:13

I think you are right to be annoyed by this and I think you should think carefully about the message you send to your daughter in how you handle it.

I don't know what the answer is though. it might not be age appropriate but I am tempted to say that the ideal answer is that, with your support, your dd assertively challenges this and gets to agree a different form of words to express what has happened - a form of words that gives her credit for dealing with adversity rather than that labels has as someone prone to interpersonal problems.

Even if the new school doesn't read it, I think ti is very damaging to send the message that problems with people will always reflect badly on you even when they aren't your fault. Because it is a disincentive to be assertive when people are being dicks and that is really doing your dd a disservice.

But I think the best message that she could take away is that she has the power to challenge it. Is that remotely possible at her age? Maybe at a meeting that you go to too?

toffee1000 · 21/06/2016 23:14

"Year six girls just wind each other up"? Oh good grief. It's not funny or clever and can be really damaging to a kid. It's just as bad as the phrase "boys will be boys" IMO. I hope you don't say that kind of thing to your DD ever.

Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2016 23:20

Great points HowBadIsThisPlease.

CodyKing · 21/06/2016 23:23

As she's not going to be in your dd's class she'll probably pick on someone else next year, and your dd will be fine

Why solve the problem when you can pass the buck?

MissDuke · 21/06/2016 23:27

Year 6 girls love all this friendship nonsense. Are you sure your DD hasn't fuelled this drama?

Ridiculous comment! I can assure you, my 11 year old dd has not enjoyed being bullied this year by three wee witches in her class!