AIBU Angry at In Laws

[Blueskyday80]

First time posting so please be gentle. DH was diagnosed with a serious illness six weeks ago. This could be potentially fatal but this is unlikely. In the short term whilst he has treatment it has completely disrupted our family life (2 DC under 6). Recently I have had to care for him and DC. I also have two jobs. I have been upset by FIL and his partners lack of support. MIL died 15 years ago.

Firstly when we told FIL of diagnosis he said all the right things but then we did not hear from him for two weeks. Not even a text to ask how DH is doing.

FIL suggested talking DH out for dinner. I asked if he could come over a few hours before dinner to look after DC whilst I caught up on work. Was told by FIL partner it was about them meeting up not about childcare.

I also asked FIL to spend the weekend at our house in September as I had a important event at the other side of the country which I had paid out for before DH diagnosis. I really needed the break and something good to look forward to. DH will need help with DC due to his illness. FIL just said no because he was planning to visit his daughter that weekend. No discussion about rearranging.

I did sit down with FIL two weeks ago and asked for more help as I was exhausted. Since then no change. I then fell over this week (doing too many things at once) and sprained my wrist. I did get a text of 'hope you feel better' from FIL but no offer to help out with caring for DH or DC.

I feel really angry at FIL lack of support. DH has actually been in tears about this and I am just angry. When DH spoke to FIL again about this he said that we cannot expect them to give up their lives for us. I just wanted perhaps a few hours of their time every couple of weeks whilst DH is having treatment.

Am I just in an over emotional state due to a rough couple of months or are they being unreasonable? We are all meant to be going on holiday in a few months and I just don't feel I can play happy families. I am worried I might lose my temper with them.

burningbridges it's fine to ask for help but it's wrong to expect them to do it and it's wrong to be angry with them because they don't want to. As many other have pointed out Not all GPs want to look after children or be a carer.

I would be upset too - however it is probably the Step MIL who isn't keen as they are not biologically her grandchildren. Perhaps FIL doesn't feel confident to help out with the children without her there.
You need to focus on friendships and work out ways of asking for help & repaying favours wherever you can if possible. As other people have said you need to bank this for when he ever needs a helping hand as he gets older.

YANBU. What kind of bloody parent wouldn't help their very sick child regardless of whether they are an adult or not (I think my MIL would be exactly the same tbh, we never expected or wanted childcare from her but she made sure she got it in early on that she had brought her children up and had no intention to helping with childcare)!

I'd look into how I could get out of the holiday with them and do something else with your DH and DCs. My relationship with someone like this would be politely civil and sod all else after. I hope they never need help in the future! Me and DH have both said (to each other) that MIL will not be getting help from us as she has made her priorities perfectly clear over the years and she will reap what she sows.

Some grandparents don’t want, or feel able, to offer regular childcare. But that’s not what this situation is about. That’s not what the OP is asking for. She’s just asking for a bit of help, hopefully temporarily, while that man’s son is going through some pretty serious health problems.

If the concept of “family” is stepping up as much as one can when there’s a crisis, then that man has conspicuously failed to warrant the title of “father”. Pretty shitty way for the OP’s DH to find that out.

This goes deeper than FIL not helping you, he can't/won't/doesn't want to see that it would help his own son. You won't change that. Make all your arrangements from now on without him in the picture.

And then make a large print of that old saying and hang it very prominently in your home:

"Be nice to your children, they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home"

I hope your DH hasn't got him anything saying 'to a great father' for tomorrow!? I think i would struggle with making any effort with him for 'Father's' Day.

In fairness though the op wanted the fil to rearrange visiting his dd to look after the dc for a whole weekend so she could go away. If the dh is well enough that she's happy to go away for the weekend why should the fil not visit his dd when it was already arranged?

narky when you're seriously ill, u may well be okay to look after yourself for the weekend, but it's rather different to look after two children under 6. The point is that OP's event can only happen that weekend, whereas there's no reason, on the face of it, that the fil HAS to pick that weekend to visit his dd. Since they're making it clear that they don't want to look after the children at any point, fairness on the part of the Fil doesn't appear to come into it. Not if you believe family should support each other. The OP is working two jobs, looking after two young children and caring for a very sick partner. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to have a break. She's not asking for ongoing childcare commitment so she can swan around having a good time all the time. OP I hope you get some support from somewhere

As wife, mum and main carer being able to get away for a jolly is pretty well essential. DH is having chemo for 6 months, if I'm (or I would assume everyone else) on call under stress for the entire duration the DH won't be the only one ill. Since we had a diagnosis I've been to a family wedding with DD and done a couple of local days out for a hobby without her. ILs or my parents covered if too close after chemo - otherwise DH is determined to look after her to give me a break (and lucky enough to be coping well enough to do so). The mental space of getting away from the stress was very important - time away from the DC also pretty key.

It is not healthy or sustainable to be constantly focussed on the DPs illness. I find sitting at home occupying a baby looking at the chores I should be doing pretty soul destroying and we're minimising baby groups due to infection risk as well so she does seem bored.

It can be rough - there are particular points in the cycle when we always have a massive row but we're learning coping mechanisms as we go. Me having hobbies is a big help, breaking up the period where I'm coping solo is fairly key as well.

Chemo day is another flash point. Getting out the door on time when pre-planning isn't appealing is hard. Organising all 3 of us to be out all day takes time - chemo is 30 miles away so DD, Dog and I go for a walk while it's happening now I'm relaxed enough to leave DH to it at the hospital.

Big hugs and good luck!

We've no idea why the fil wants/needs to visit his dd that weekend. Looking after 2 young kids for a full weekend (especially when they aren't yours and you're not used to looking after them) is hard work let alone for an older person. Of course it's nice to have a break when you're under stress but you can't expect people to cancel a trip they already had planned so you can go on one and then be annoyed that they won't. Well obviously you can but imo that is unreasonable.

No we can't know exactly why he has to go that weekend. For me though, it's part of a pattern of not wanting to look after them at all. In other words, it's an excuse. Yes it's hard work looking after small children at any age, like when you're working two jobs and caring for a partner and running a household, but it's just for a weekend, not full-time. I don't think OP's being unreasonable at all. I think fil is being heartless and possibly going for an easy life so as to not piss off his wife. Any thoughtful and genuinely caring person would say if necessary, 'sorry, I really can't manage that weekend but let us know what else we can do at another time'. FIl hasn't done this. Selfish and heartless.

Write them off. Take friends up on offer, perhaps look into a nanny or daycare to take pressure off childcare wise. Look into benefits that could help cover cost of childcare.

I would be annoyed that FIL hasn't stepped up to perhaps look after his own ill son, but I wouldn't expect him to provide childcare for grandchildren..particularly if they've made it clear they don't want to do that.

I don't know what area of the country you are in but they should have a young carers organization who can give support to your children. As well as advice there may be meet up groups and funding opportunities. They don't have to be doing a caring role in a practical way but if they are impacted by your caring role then they may be eligible for help. There are also carer support groups for adults so have a look on your council website/google as it sounds like you could do with some support.

If you're going abroad you may find that your travel insurance won't cover your DH, given how ill he's been. That could be your way out?

I agree with Rainbunny too

Check out your holiday insurance

He probably doesn't make the connection between your dh being very ill and him personally stepping up to the plate. That's not to excuse him, its just that I've seen this type of behaviour many times in the past with people just not making what to us are blazingly obvious connections.
When you spell it out that it would be nice if they could step up one or two people occasionally and reluctantly do, the others don't want their little routines disturbed it seems.
I don't know. The only way forward is to pay for help, but even that isn't the best solution as its dependent on so many other factors. Is there anyway you could get a leave of absence from work for a few months? Worth asking as a temporary measure.

YANBU to be upset, but I can see where FIL is coming from wrt your weekend away.

I think they've made their position very clear and you have to accept it.

Where is the holiday to, is it in the uk? What kind of holiday - cottage, hotel, Center parks type of place?

I think I'd be having a frank conversation with the IL's along the lines of "we're actually quite upset at your lack of support while we're going through this difficult time and to be honest I'd rather not go on the planned holiday but the children are looking forward to it and I feel we can't let them down. So we'll still be going but I suggest that while we're there, you guys do your own thing and we'll do ours - just making it clear now so there's no expectations on either side that we'll be pretending it's happy families and spending time together" and hope that they decide they won't go.

Thanks for your comments. The holiday is a cottage let in Britain. We have got holiday insurance so I need to look into that. Failing that I will speak to them before the holiday and explain we may be doing our own thing a lot!
I understand comments about the weekend away I think he had already upset me by lack of contact with DH that I was already in a bad mood. He was not going to a special event just a visit with his daughter who lives a long way away. It would have meant coming back one day early from a week away. I wouldn't have asked if I knew he was away but he was quite rude about it which annoyed me. I have made arrangements with friends to help that weekend now.

If you go on the holiday and "do your own thing" that's going to overload YOU and underline to FIL doesn't need to help.

Cancelling the holiday will show him REALLY how serious this situation is.

The kids may be looking forward to it, but u6 kids are hard work at the best of times. I had one 5yo with me at friends and came back to the uk more tired than when I left.

I'm glad you managed to get your weekend sorted out.

I'm curious as to what your relationship with them was like before DH got ill - have you been on holiday with them before?

I do think checking with your holiday insurers is the best thing to do next. If you Dh's illness is covered then under the circumstances, cancelling seems like the most sensible option. I wouldn't make a huge thing of it with ILs.

If it isn't covered then I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd probably not make any big decisions at this point and come to a joint decision with DH.