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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Angry at In Laws

73 replies

Blueskyday80 · 18/06/2016 18:30

First time posting so please be gentle. DH was diagnosed with a serious illness six weeks ago. This could be potentially fatal but this is unlikely. In the short term whilst he has treatment it has completely disrupted our family life (2 DC under 6). Recently I have had to care for him and DC. I also have two jobs. I have been upset by FIL and his partners lack of support. MIL died 15 years ago.

Firstly when we told FIL of diagnosis he said all the right things but then we did not hear from him for two weeks. Not even a text to ask how DH is doing.

FIL suggested talking DH out for dinner. I asked if he could come over a few hours before dinner to look after DC whilst I caught up on work. Was told by FIL partner it was about them meeting up not about childcare.

I also asked FIL to spend the weekend at our house in September as I had a important event at the other side of the country which I had paid out for before DH diagnosis. I really needed the break and something good to look forward to. DH will need help with DC due to his illness. FIL just said no because he was planning to visit his daughter that weekend. No discussion about rearranging.

I did sit down with FIL two weeks ago and asked for more help as I was exhausted. Since then no change. I then fell over this week (doing too many things at once) and sprained my wrist. I did get a text of 'hope you feel better' from FIL but no offer to help out with caring for DH or DC.

I feel really angry at FIL lack of support. DH has actually been in tears about this and I am just angry. When DH spoke to FIL again about this he said that we cannot expect them to give up their lives for us. I just wanted perhaps a few hours of their time every couple of weeks whilst DH is having treatment.

Am I just in an over emotional state due to a rough couple of months or are they being unreasonable? We are all meant to be going on holiday in a few months and I just don't feel I can play happy families. I am worried I might lose my temper with them.

OP posts:
Sorebigtoes · 18/06/2016 19:33

YANBU. Don't expect anything more from them but I wouldn't be going on holiday with them either. Use the money for some caring/domestic help/babysitting instead.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 18/06/2016 19:37

YANBU, however it seems that you're FIL has made his stance clear as in he doesn't want to give any practical help.
Is there anyone else who might be able to give you a hand for a while whilst your DH is getting treatment?
Sorry you're family are going through a hard time at the moment Flowers

Blu · 18/06/2016 19:38

YANBU.

Very selfish and unkind.

Assume that they are operating a 'do as you would be done by' approach and expect no help themselves, ever. And I agree - send DH and the kids on the holiday and spend the time chilling out and resting.

22esmeweatherwax · 18/06/2016 19:39

They are being selfish in my opinion but you can't change them. I am 47 but when I had to have retina surgery earlier this year my lovely Dad and step mum came and stayed and helped to look after the DC when I couldn't drive or do much and they have to catch a flight to us as we are not in the UK. This is what families, do. They help when shit hits fan and help is needed. So sorry you ate not getting the support you need.

PovertyPain · 18/06/2016 19:42

I wouldn't send the DH and kids on holiday with them. Why should he get to enjoy their company when the selfish fuck can't be there for his own son when he needs him? I doubt your DH would want to go with him anyway.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/06/2016 19:51

I'm so sorry you're going through this and your DH's recovery is as quick as it can be without rushing him. Thanks

I'd tell them to shove their holiday up their arse.

My family and MIL did similar when my DS was ill and I was in hospital with him, we'd get the occasional visit and grapes but no actual help, thank God DH's boss at the time was very, very patient and sympathetic giving him time off when necessary to visit and look after our other DS. And as others have said, boy do I remember and will remember when it comes to their time of need. Yeah it's petty but when they know you're family (their family fgs!) is going through hell and they don't lift a finger it hurts, there's no coming back from that kind of desertion in my eyes.

Have you asked your DH's nurse if there's any organisations that could help you?

airforsharon · 18/06/2016 19:55

YANBU to hope your FIL would want to help you all while your DH is so unwell. But he has made it clear he won't, for whatever reasons, so as another poster said, forget about him.

Do you have a close friend or friends who could pitch in? Could you think about paying for extra help - dcs to a childminder if they don't go already, do you have Homestart in your area?

And yes, i'd say sod going on holiday with them too.

Original poster
Blueskyday80 · 18/06/2016 19:57

Thanks for your messages. Just wanted to check I was not over reacting because I am in an emotional state.
My parents don't live in the country. I am going to ask start on a plan B. Friends have offered to help and I am going to take them up on it.

Not sure how I will manage relationship with FIL and partner going forward. Holiday is already paid for and DC looking forward to it. I am not sure if I can be civil to them for a week but hate to cancel holiday and let DC down?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/06/2016 20:00

I wouldn't go on holiday with them and I'd tell them why, too. Do you have holiday insurance?

Liara · 18/06/2016 20:02

YANBU. PIL's similar behaviour in a similar situation is a big part of us having effectively no meaningful relationship with them any more.

In contrast, my brother who was at uni at the time called and offered to miss his finals so he could come and help!

Sara107 · 18/06/2016 20:02

They are being unkind, it must be very distressing for your dh to feel that he can't turn to his own Dad. Is there anybody else you can ask for a bit of help? Perhaps you could turn to a charity or support group. You don't say what is wrong with your dh, but, for example there is Macmillan for cancer. They could help talk you through practical ways of getting support, and what you would be entitled to claim from the state in terms of help.
People sometimes react very strangely to illness. The Fil may be in denial about what is happening. We noticed when my dad had a heart bypass people were really supportive, neighbours he barely knew stopping to wish him well. But when he had cancer he was shunned like a leper. Maybe people just can't bear to face the reality of a serious illness.
Or is the step mother jealous of fils children with his first wife, and seeking to drive a wedge?
You and your dh have every right to feel hurt, and to be quite honest I would cancel the family holiday plans right now. Perhaps plan something else just for you, dh and DCs. Or have a few special days out together rather than a full holiday.
I hope your dh's treatment goes well, and that you all get through the rough patch.

LillianGish · 18/06/2016 20:04

They obviously don't think childcare is their responsibility - some gps are like that. You would think they might step up to the mark now your DH is ill, but they've made it clear that's not going to happen. I think you need to get some childcare in place temporarily so you don't need to rely on them and I definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with them. They can't have it both ways. Let your DH go with the DCs if he wants to, his dad and his partner will have to muck in then won't they? You can say you are staying at home to catch up on work and have a much needed rest - making the point that the only way that this can happen is if someone is taking care of the kids. YANBU, but that's not going to change anything - it is what is so you need to act accordingly.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/06/2016 20:05

Tbh if you think you can manage it go, but I'd be spending as little time with them as possible, leave early for days out and then literally only come back to sleep.

You'd be a bigger person than me, I know I couldn't (I'm shit at hiding my emotions especially when I'm angry!) as I know I'd lose my rag at them and really I wouldn't want the kids seeing that.

quietbatperson · 18/06/2016 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouikey · 18/06/2016 20:23

YANBU and it is very sad that FIL not prepared to help, but as another has said, it may be that he has no idea how to deal with his Sons illness and the easiest thing is to hide away from you.

I always find it difficult when people expect GPs to step up for child care, your situation is exceptional and I would hope they could see that. However he has obviously made it really clear that he is not prepared to help even after you have talked to him. Are there other things going on with him and his partner? Do they help out with other grandkids?

I probably wouldn't go on holiday with them... If they can't help in the very tough times why should they benefit from good things?

MrsKoala · 18/06/2016 20:29

I don't think i could bring myself to spend any time with them let alone go on holiday. If i could get out of the holiday i would and if i couldn't i would make it very clear i was only going for the children and wanted as little to do with them as possible when there and then when i came home i'd pretty much cut them off. It's so horrible. Yes, they can behave how they want and aren't obliged to help, but so can you and you aren't obliged to be nice to them either.

PovertyPain · 18/06/2016 20:40

I can understand why you don't want to cancel, but you don't have to sound time with them. I was going yo suggest you could get them to baby sit but they will probably say they didn't go on holiday to baby sit. Dicks.

Just make sure you spend as little time with them as possible. Good luck.

randomsabreuse · 18/06/2016 20:45

In a similar ish situation but my ILs are keen to help but frankly too old to be much help. MIL has a number of issues so most of FILs time is taken up dealing with her. Having them in our (sensibly sized) house gets difficult as well. They now aren't available (other commitments) but it is actually a bit of a relief for me - less so for DH.

Childcare per se not ideal for us (dd is under 1) due to the risk of bringing home bugs. We're vaguely looking at the mother's help route at the moment.

No comments on the holiday as I've holidayed with ILs once and frankly never again ever no way even when we got along generally ok... better than we do now!

peggyundercrackers · 18/06/2016 20:51

I think yab a little u, they don't want to do it and have made it clear. I also think it's wrong to expect anyone else to step up, if they had offered then let you down then fair enough you should feel angry but it doesn't sound like they have done that.

Arkwright · 18/06/2016 20:55

I can see why you are upset but they obviously don't want to do it. A lot of older people don't want to look after grandchildren. They don't handle the noise well and lose patience.

BurningBridges · 18/06/2016 20:56

Peggy - WTAF?! why shouldn't OP ask for help now her DH is ill? Its the FIL's own son!

JulieJuniper · 18/06/2016 20:57

Whilst I understand that some people don’t cope too well with a sudden change of circumstances that pulls them out of their ordinary routine, your DH’s father has had long enough to think through the situation.

This isn’t about grandparents providing childcare. This is about a father who isn’t willing to support his own son.

Cancel the holiday. You are the pivotal person here, and you are keeping everything going. If you go on that holiday, the chances are that you will be caring for your husband, caring for your children, while in the company of two people who have already shown that they won’t be of any help whatsoever.

rookiemere · 18/06/2016 20:59

YANBU to be upset.

I think the reality is in most situations that it's usually the woman who does the actual childcare and FIL's partner does not want to step into this role. So yes, go for any alternative sources of help and support you can muster and stop asking them for any help.

As for the holiday, yes that would stick in my craw too. Is it expensive and are you sharing accommodation? Remember your DCs are excited about going on holiday, not by spending time with the GPs . If you can cancel at all without losing loads of money, then you could explain that it's important that you spend time together in your own little family, just the 4 of you. Then book somewhere with a kids club.

Rainbunny · 18/06/2016 21:02

Well I hope they have lots of other support because I think your FIL has just basically told you that you don't have to lift a finger to help him in any way when he is elderly and in need of care. I hope things work out for you! I wouldn't go on the holiday either fwiw and I wouldn't be shy about explaining why I don't want to be around them.

MurphysChild · 18/06/2016 21:09

^ this. That would be my reaction to his lack on interest in his son "ahh right so when you are old or infirm and need help we won't be around as we have our own lives to live". What an arse!