AIBU To be disappointed with In-Laws?

[user1466222549]

My 12 year old DD is doing a piano concert today. She has worked hard to practice her pieces for this and we are really looking forward to going. My own parents who live four hours away have come up to stay so they can attend. The In-Laws (DD's other Grandparents), who only live about an hour away, have just come up with a series of weak excuses why they won't be coming.

I feel so sad and disappointed about this. I get that they don't have to come if they don't want to. However, I just don't understand why they wouldn't be interested. We will all be sitting there bursting with pride. When I am a Grandparent (hopefully) I will love things like this.

I shouldn't be surprised really as they have always been reluctant to visit us. They love seeing us but only if we visit them. They have a car and drive distances when it is something they are interested in so transport issues aren't a problem. We have never really got to the bottom of why they dislike visiting us.

[user1466222549]

Aeroflotgirl

Its a shame op, their loss, You and your parents enjoy the concert smile.

Thank you:)

[Osirus]

I'm impressed by your parents driving four hours to watch your daughter play.

Don't get upset about behaviour you can't change.

I hope you all have a lovely day and the recital goes well.

[RitchyBestingFace]

I get what you mean OP. My MIL will drive an hour and half into London (which makes her nervous) to watch DS1 play in a very low level football tournament or to go to grandparents tea at DS2's nursery. I don't see why a GC needs to be playing the Albert Hall for their GPs to make an effort (assuming it doesn't clash with work or important commitments)

[dailymaillazyjournos]

Yanbu to feel disappointed they don't want to come along to support her. My DP came to every school play, speech days, concerts. There were some incredibly talented kids. My dd wasn't one of them but my DP loved to come along to see her being very average bless them. I can't imagine not going to my granddaughters school things etc if I was invited. I wouldn't care whether she was the most off key, clodhopping kid in the school

[coco1810]

Totally get it OP. My DP mum couldn't be most uninterested if she tried, not just in their academic achievements but also in them as people. Go cheer your DD on and make the silent pledge to be there for your future GC, I do this constantly.

[Topseyt]

I went to most of the stuff my DDs were in during primary school when I could, though can't say I actively enjoyed all of it. I went for their sake.

None of the grandparents ever came. All lived some distance away (mine 3 hours and DH's an hour and a half). The DDs weren't bothered and neither were the grandparents. Neither was I. It never occurred to any of us that it should be an issue.

I guess all families and family relationships/expectations are different though. I honestly wouldn't see it as an issue, and certainly wouldn't keep badgering them if they had said no first time.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

It's lovely there are families where everyone goes to everything- I've worked in schools where some families try to have someone at every single performance even! - but my beloved GPs didn't come to a single thing my entire childhood and it never occurred to me to expect it or to mind. I adored them, I felt very loved by them, so I don't think it damaged our relationship much!

[Fleurdelise]

My ILs would do their best to watch DD play, in fact they come every other weekend around ours to listen to DD (8) playing the piano, they have done so since she started at age 6 and she could barely play twinkle twinkle little star. They think DD is amazing and her grandad is not even blood related (second husband to my MIL) but he couldn't be more proud of her. I find it hard to understand GP who don't have an interest in their GCs achievements.

[deedeegee]

You are lucky they even come at all! It was like getting blood out of a stone to get my Dad to drive 10 mins to see DD get prizes at school prize giving! And I won't even mention the reluctance to babysit for me as a lone parent- about 6 times in her entire childhood!!

[jessebuni]

She's obviously reasonably talented to have reached grade 6 and I'm sure you have been a great help to her by being supportive and you're allowed to be disappointed when others don't share your enthusiasm but I wouldn't be too put out with the GCs. Not everyone has the same enthusiasm for the same things. My husband has yet to make it to a single parents evening, Christmas play or school club for either of my kids because he's always at work but he still loves our children. Don't worry about the GCs not wanted to join you, just enjoy your daughters playing and think no more of it.

[Hostinthemaking]

YANBU op. Some gps need to be reminded of why they had children and then are disinterested in their dgc. However it sounds like it's their loss if they are unsupportive then vice versa.

[Balletblue]

Well, I hope those that went enjoyed it. Grandparents get to choose how much they get involved? Isn't that the point of being a grandparent?

[flippaflippa]

No parents of my own. PIL left it over 7 months before they bothered to see our DD1. No card, no flowers. MIL's very belated gift was posted bag of ratty used clothes (I'm talking bobbly old tights etc.). And no, they are very far from hard up.
Another later trick was her passing off a gift from less stingy distant relative as her own.
Get over it.

[ukpor]

I think you are being very unreasonable. How many of these do you expect them to attend? Of course if she's the only grandkid then that's different. My parents have 19 grandkids if we all asked them to attend our kids stuff they'll be stuck on the road 24/7. Bare in mind that just one of my kids plays football, piano, chess and swimming ( multiply by an average of 12).

[ny20005]

My mum lives in another country & flies in to see my kids school concert every year. My pil's live 5 mins away & I couldn't tell you the last time they've seen my kids. Mil flew to another country to see my niece & tried to FaceTime my kids but can't be arsed to see them in real life. Their loss - my kids adore my parents

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is extremely sad ny20005, at least they have your lovely parents.

[MissElizaBennettsBookmark]

My own DD would've been mortified if her grandparents had insisted on attending all her piano /flute performances.

I'm a professional musician. I don't think my own father ever attended one of my concerts when I was learning, despite being a music lover - maybe that's why he didn't attend?! Yet he was very proud of my achievements.

Each to his own. Don't stress about it.

[albertcampionscat]

Different people show love in different ways. I'd have been mortified as a kid if my parents had gotten emotional in the audience - your PIL might struggle with that kind of demonstrativeness.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

YANBU. My GPs come along to things my DCs do because they enjoy seeing them, sports days, Christmas plays etc and are generally more involved with their lives. ILs never do. MIL could make an effort to visit, she never does, is always busy then when she hasn't got anything to do she wants DH to take DCS around at her convenience because she hasn't got anything on. And if we are busy she will whine on (and I do mean whine, toddler style) and constantly text until she gets the answer she wants then we won't hear from her for a couple of months as she has stuff to do. On the odd occasion I speak to her, she doesn't even ask how the DCs are, doesn't ask to speak to them, nothing. She gets as much effort back as she puts in and DH feels very much the same. Haven't actually seen SIL for a few years despite her living about 15 minutes away. I get sick of being the person to facilitate relationships so I don't really do it anymore. It definitely feels better that way although it can hurt to realise that others just aren't interested outside their own little bubble.

[user1466222549]

Just in case anyone wanted to know, DD's concert was lovely! All Grandparents did go in the end. My In-Laws actually came, much to our surprise. I did feel incredibly guilty though that they probably didn't want to be there. I won't mention future events to avoid them feeling obliged to do something they don't want to do.

I am glad that I posted this, as the feedback has been interesting and very illuminating.

I was reassured that there were in fact many other Grand Parents and indeed other relatives at this concert. I was beginning to feel stupid that I had felt it appropriate to invite Grand Parents in the first place.

I also now feel renewed appreciation for my own parents who are touchingly enthusiastic about attending their grandchildrens' little events. I now realise that my children are very blessed to have this kind of thing in their lives.

Anyway, thank you again all for your input :)

[IamSlave]

Well I think Grandparents should go to these things where possible. And frankly I'm shocked at the lack of enthusiasm for children playing music

I agree. Its not about them is it, how selfish, its about making the child performing no matter how crap that they feel loved.
I wouldn't expect GP to go to every single time the child set foot on any stage, but if it was something deemed a little more special, why cant GP put themselves out for a hour?

I cant believe how selfish posters sound.

[IamSlave]

User, MN is a an odd place, dont take normal reaction from here.

Of course most GP would attend such things and yes, perhaps dont mention in the future!

[user1466222549]

IamSlave
User, MN is a an odd place, dont take normal reaction from here

Bless you!

[HazelBite]

DS1 would never "allow" any family to attend any of his performances, I'm sure I was "judged" by various parents who told me "how absolutely wonderful he was and wasn't I sorry that I'd missed it?".

[KittensandKnitting]

I think not to mention future events could create an issue. Imagine if they they really did have other things on and said "love to go but have XYZ" and then rearranged things and that's why they could attend in the end, because they did actually want to go.

My mums social diary is and always has been so much busier than mine! Add work in and she's hardly ever available but will try to juggle things around, based on how "important" the thing is.

If you don't tell them they can't ever make that decision for themselves.