AIBU To be disappointed with In-Laws?

[user1466222549]

My 12 year old DD is doing a piano concert today. She has worked hard to practice her pieces for this and we are really looking forward to going. My own parents who live four hours away have come up to stay so they can attend. The In-Laws (DD's other Grandparents), who only live about an hour away, have just come up with a series of weak excuses why they won't be coming.

I feel so sad and disappointed about this. I get that they don't have to come if they don't want to. However, I just don't understand why they wouldn't be interested. We will all be sitting there bursting with pride. When I am a Grandparent (hopefully) I will love things like this.

I shouldn't be surprised really as they have always been reluctant to visit us. They love seeing us but only if we visit them. They have a car and drive distances when it is something they are interested in so transport issues aren't a problem. We have never really got to the bottom of why they dislike visiting us.

[Ilovewillow]

I know where you are coming from me I agree that it's sad. My parents are coming to my daughters stageschool production which is a long journey but they are really looking forward to it as they don't get to see them do anything like this usually due to distance. My PIL wouldn't dream of coming to this or anything else despite being closer.

It's sad but unfortunately I think some are more actively grandparents than others.

Your daughter will be delighted that you are there.

[trafalgargal]

OP we've heard how much this upsets YOU
Is the child bothered about it ?

[Ditsy4]

Oh I'm glad they made the effort in the end.
It sounds lovely and it is so good for children to perform. Our children at school give a concert every year and all the different music teachers prepare something. The children are buzzing afterwards and a few go and perform outside school too.
Perhaps you could broach the subject now and say did they enjoy it and do they want to be kept informed for next year. The ball is in their court then.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

The important thing is that her parents are going to the concert.

[user1466222549]

Ditsy4

Thank you for asking! It was lovely and we all really enjoyed it. It wasn't really a school concert as many have assumed. It was organised by the piano teacher. As many of the performers were extremely accomplished pianists (Grade 7/8), the event would have been enjoyable to attend even if my DD hadn't taken part. There were also a few relatively new starters to the piano too, which I also loved. Nothing more appealing than those little earnest faces giving it their all!

My ILaws did come in the end and appeared to enjoy it (unless they put on a good act of course!). However, I don't think I can face mentioning any future events to them as no one wants to feel that they have made someone do something they really don't want to do.

Both of my children are older (secondary school) and haven't been involved with school performances for a long time. Therefore, it is only this piano concert once a year that we would ask GPs to in any case. I will carry on asking my own parents though as they really love coming!

[Ditsy4]

Haven't seen the rude ones as I read this thread when it started but not since. Just wondered how your DD got on. I bet it was a proud moment for you.

[ShanghaiDiva]

Threre are some really rude posts on here. How does wanting gps to attend a concert result in op being spoilt and entitled?
I am sure op is well aware that world does not revolve around her child.
I go to a lot of my children's events that are of no particular interest to me. I go to support them and appreciate their hard work and effort. As a grandparent I plan to do the same.

[NanaNina]

Unless I'm going completely barmy (or batshit as I'm a MIL) as I've only ever heard the word used in relation to ILs, mostly MILs) this post sounds very familiar to one I read many months ago. Probably similar circumstances but it's a bit odd.

[Atenco]

I loved going to all my dd's events, but I must admit I suffered having to another relative's opera performances as, though the quality was extremely high, I can't stand opera.

[dustarr73]

Seriously she wants her pil to go and see their gc in a concert and that makes her spoiled and entitled.Well you reap what you sow.They dont have to go to everything but 1 or 2 things a year isnt going to kill them.

The only thing op if you dont mention future performances and they find out,you are prioritising your family [over them] in their mind.So you cant win.

[seriouslynoidea]

I have 4 dc and my dp has 2dc from previous relationship. I work full time and go to everything I can and am famous in every school for uncontrollable tears of pride but I've sat thru many an interminable concert wondering how long I can stop screaming for, wishing everything were quicker, went to one of dp's dc concert once and we nearly disgraced ourselves by laughing so much in relief at the short pieces. Let them love the result not the experience

[ZerenaZZ]

They made a two hour round trip to see your daughter play an instrument. That's far beyond what most grandparents would be bothered with or able for. You sound very selfish, spoilt and entitled. The world does not revolve around your child.

[BackforGood]

I agree with most posts on the first few pages, that it's entirely understandable to not want to go and sit through school concerts. It's not many people's choice of a way to spend the evening, even without the travelling. I've sat with a fixed smile on my face at many school events over the years - I do it because I'm their Mum. I'm not really expecting to have to do it for grandchildren too.

However, I would still mention future concerts to them - let them know it's on and they would be welcome, but obviously it's up to them if it's convenient or not.

[KittensandKnitting]

I think not to mention future events could create an issue. Imagine if they they really did have other things on and said "love to go but have XYZ" and then rearranged things and that's why they could attend in the end, because they did actually want to go.

My mums social diary is and always has been so much busier than mine! Add work in and she's hardly ever available but will try to juggle things around, based on how "important" the thing is.

If you don't tell them they can't ever make that decision for themselves.

[HazelBite]

DS1 would never "allow" any family to attend any of his performances, I'm sure I was "judged" by various parents who told me "how absolutely wonderful he was and wasn't I sorry that I'd missed it?".

[user1466222549]

IamSlave
User, MN is a an odd place, dont take normal reaction from here

Bless you!

[IamSlave]

User, MN is a an odd place, dont take normal reaction from here.

Of course most GP would attend such things and yes, perhaps dont mention in the future!

[IamSlave]

Well I think Grandparents should go to these things where possible. And frankly I'm shocked at the lack of enthusiasm for children playing music

I agree. Its not about them is it, how selfish, its about making the child performing no matter how crap that they feel loved.
I wouldn't expect GP to go to every single time the child set foot on any stage, but if it was something deemed a little more special, why cant GP put themselves out for a hour?

I cant believe how selfish posters sound.

[user1466222549]

Just in case anyone wanted to know, DD's concert was lovely! All Grandparents did go in the end. My In-Laws actually came, much to our surprise. I did feel incredibly guilty though that they probably didn't want to be there. I won't mention future events to avoid them feeling obliged to do something they don't want to do.

I am glad that I posted this, as the feedback has been interesting and very illuminating.

I was reassured that there were in fact many other Grand Parents and indeed other relatives at this concert. I was beginning to feel stupid that I had felt it appropriate to invite Grand Parents in the first place.

I also now feel renewed appreciation for my own parents who are touchingly enthusiastic about attending their grandchildrens' little events. I now realise that my children are very blessed to have this kind of thing in their lives.

Anyway, thank you again all for your input :)

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

YANBU. My GPs come along to things my DCs do because they enjoy seeing them, sports days, Christmas plays etc and are generally more involved with their lives. ILs never do. MIL could make an effort to visit, she never does, is always busy then when she hasn't got anything to do she wants DH to take DCS around at her convenience because she hasn't got anything on. And if we are busy she will whine on (and I do mean whine, toddler style) and constantly text until she gets the answer she wants then we won't hear from her for a couple of months as she has stuff to do. On the odd occasion I speak to her, she doesn't even ask how the DCs are, doesn't ask to speak to them, nothing. She gets as much effort back as she puts in and DH feels very much the same. Haven't actually seen SIL for a few years despite her living about 15 minutes away. I get sick of being the person to facilitate relationships so I don't really do it anymore. It definitely feels better that way although it can hurt to realise that others just aren't interested outside their own little bubble.

[albertcampionscat]

Different people show love in different ways. I'd have been mortified as a kid if my parents had gotten emotional in the audience - your PIL might struggle with that kind of demonstrativeness.

[MissElizaBennettsBookmark]

My own DD would've been mortified if her grandparents had insisted on attending all her piano /flute performances.

I'm a professional musician. I don't think my own father ever attended one of my concerts when I was learning, despite being a music lover - maybe that's why he didn't attend?! Yet he was very proud of my achievements.

Each to his own. Don't stress about it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is extremely sad ny20005, at least they have your lovely parents.

[ny20005]

My mum lives in another country & flies in to see my kids school concert every year. My pil's live 5 mins away & I couldn't tell you the last time they've seen my kids. Mil flew to another country to see my niece & tried to FaceTime my kids but can't be arsed to see them in real life. Their loss - my kids adore my parents

[ukpor]

I think you are being very unreasonable. How many of these do you expect them to attend? Of course if she's the only grandkid then that's different. My parents have 19 grandkids if we all asked them to attend our kids stuff they'll be stuck on the road 24/7. Bare in mind that just one of my kids plays football, piano, chess and swimming ( multiply by an average of 12).