To think we're not the neighbours from hell?

[ButtonsAndChocolate]

I'm a regular but have name changed for this.

I live in a block of 4 flats; 2 on one side of the builiding, 2 on the other with a communal hallway to access them all. We're in flat 3, which is on the first floor, opposite is flat 4. Flats 1 and 2 are on the ground floor. We're above flat 1. Flat 1 is a single woman in her 60's.

I've just had a text from Flat 1's daughter who I thought was my friend. She's basically told me that my DH "intimidates" her mum, and that her mum is "disturbed" at night by our 1 year old DD crying. She says we argue "all the time" and she's had enough of her mum being in tears about the neighbours from hell.

The thing is I don't see what the problem actually is.

Flat 1 works long hours, we understand and try to be as respectful as possible. We never use our washing machine after 8pm, never shout to each other in different rooms, and have a carpet in all rooms except the kitchen and bathroom where we have tiles which are supposed to be sound proof. I put the TV on the lowest volume I can with subtitles on at all times to stop it being a problem.

Our dd wakes up maybe once a night; she's in the room which is directly above Flat 1's bathroom with our bedroom above hers. We did this deliberately so DD didn't disturb her. However DDs been ill recently so waking up more, I do everything I can to keep her quiet though; give her a dummy, do not allow her to stand up in her cot or shake the cot bars as they would bang against the wall, she doesn't have toys in her cot and we sit with her until she's asleep to stop her shouting for me/DH. Apparently Flat 1 can still hear her and isn't happy.

Apparently she can also hear us (DH and I) arguing. Yes, we argue. But I'd say it's no more than other couples based on Flat's 2 and 3 who're both couples. And we don't usually shout anyway as DDs generally asleep and we don't want to wake her.

She hears bangs and crashes. I have explained several times that I am dyspraxic so my co-ordination isn't brilliant; I bang into things, I knock things over, I trip over air. I can't help it. I try my best to control it, but sometimes it just happens.

I try and keep DD happy in the day as she's then not crying/shouting. We go out most days anyway and DH works so it's just the lazy cat who sleeps on the windowsill for most of the day.

I just feel so awful because of what Flat 1's daughter has said to us. We try so hard to be quiet. I'm doing the things I've always done, as this is what my parents did when they lived in rented flats.

I'm worried that we'll get reported to our landlord and potentially thrown out in what basically amounts to my daughter crying and an argument maybe once a month. We don't have a garden but do have a small balcony that I occasionally stand on and watch the world go by generally while DD naps or sleeps at night.

AIBU or are we the neighbours from hell?

We don't wear shoes in the flat unless we're just about to go out. DH and DD wear slippers and I generally walk around barefoot or just socks.

Of course YANBU, but in all honesty, neither is she.

I am in a middle floor flat and can tell you which of the two people upstairs is actually pissing (if it's the bloke, it's noisier because he's standing up obvs ) Noise from above is always, always over-amplified to the rooms downstairs. It just is. So you may think your arguing, or the baby crying is "normal" but it is probably excruciating for the person below.

I would explain to the daughter that you do your best, you realise that being in the upstairs flat can make noise seem noisier, but there's nothing much you can really do. A baby is going to cry. It's in their job description.

The bit about being intimidated and the neighbour crying sounds very odd though, and worth finding out if maybe, as others have said, she has the two men mixed up.

The usual trotted out MN tripe about the person being subjected to the noise buying themselves a mansion in the forest is absurd.

(I think both my loudly weeing upstairs neighbour and his wife wear clogs)

Is the lady, er, well ok? Mum lived next to a woman who would collar dad any chance she got to tell him that as soon as he left for work, mum would light the coal fire and make loads of soot specifically to blacken her laundry. Of course we didn't have a open fire and neither did anyone else in the street, but this was just one if the deliberate annoyances that all the neighbours did just for her. She was known for complaining about things that didn't exist.

If your neighbour wants annoying, try living in a block with lots of air-sodding-b-and-fucking-b.

When we were in a red brick terraced house we had a neighbour who complained that our computers were making a humming noise all day and night. We could hear nothing, the council noise control could hear nothing. She got very nasty. I think she was found to have dementia shortly after we moved, but she made our lives a misery, even sending her very large son around to threaten us, (or rather me as I was alone, he also could hear no noise) because I had to call the police as she spent hours shrieking and yelling, pounding on the wall whilst I was alone the night before (dh was working away which she knew). Once I explained to her son that I had requested the police check on her status as I thought she was in trouble rather than reporting her, and he realised there was no hum as he was in the lounge and she was insisting the hum was vibrating her house when she got back (he popped back round to apologise as he hadn't been vibrated here), I think he arranged for her to see a dr. As I said, luckily we moved away soon after to live with dh and it took a while for us to decide to sell the house, so hopefully the vibrating hum went when the house was empty. It was very scary at the time, dh did all he could at weekends to try and calm the situation and to be honest I think it was part of the reason I agreed to move away. Her husband apologised profusely to dh when he went to check on the empty house one time, explaining that she had been ill and he had humoured her (maybe subconsciously) rather than face facts. I think she had been moved into a home by then making the whole affair really sad.

Sound can travel weirdly in flats. Once DH, a friend and i were sitting in the sofasin our lounge room having a quiet chat, no music, low lighting, general wind down before bedtime when the downstairs neighbour knocked on the door and told us to stop making such a racket. She did it another time as well, just as i had walked into the flat after being out all day, no one else at home (no pets either!). When I pointed this out to her she finally believed me. Who knows where the sound was actually coming from!

I suppose the cat could be making noise but the lady works most of the day and part of the night so doubt she'd be hearing just the cat.

Will have a word with Flat's 2 and 4 see if they can hear us like Flat 1 can.

The reason I offered to listen was not to make it my problem, but to see if she's possibly hearing noise from the other flats. If so, it might be worth speaking to the landlord (he owns all 4 flats) about a bit more soundproofing.

I really don't want to be a bad or nightmare neighbour.

Op you don't sound like a bad neighbour, you actually care.