To think we're not the neighbours from hell?

[ButtonsAndChocolate]

I'm a regular but have name changed for this.

I live in a block of 4 flats; 2 on one side of the builiding, 2 on the other with a communal hallway to access them all. We're in flat 3, which is on the first floor, opposite is flat 4. Flats 1 and 2 are on the ground floor. We're above flat 1. Flat 1 is a single woman in her 60's.

I've just had a text from Flat 1's daughter who I thought was my friend. She's basically told me that my DH "intimidates" her mum, and that her mum is "disturbed" at night by our 1 year old DD crying. She says we argue "all the time" and she's had enough of her mum being in tears about the neighbours from hell.

The thing is I don't see what the problem actually is.

Flat 1 works long hours, we understand and try to be as respectful as possible. We never use our washing machine after 8pm, never shout to each other in different rooms, and have a carpet in all rooms except the kitchen and bathroom where we have tiles which are supposed to be sound proof. I put the TV on the lowest volume I can with subtitles on at all times to stop it being a problem.

Our dd wakes up maybe once a night; she's in the room which is directly above Flat 1's bathroom with our bedroom above hers. We did this deliberately so DD didn't disturb her. However DDs been ill recently so waking up more, I do everything I can to keep her quiet though; give her a dummy, do not allow her to stand up in her cot or shake the cot bars as they would bang against the wall, she doesn't have toys in her cot and we sit with her until she's asleep to stop her shouting for me/DH. Apparently Flat 1 can still hear her and isn't happy.

Apparently she can also hear us (DH and I) arguing. Yes, we argue. But I'd say it's no more than other couples based on Flat's 2 and 3 who're both couples. And we don't usually shout anyway as DDs generally asleep and we don't want to wake her.

She hears bangs and crashes. I have explained several times that I am dyspraxic so my co-ordination isn't brilliant; I bang into things, I knock things over, I trip over air. I can't help it. I try my best to control it, but sometimes it just happens.

I try and keep DD happy in the day as she's then not crying/shouting. We go out most days anyway and DH works so it's just the lazy cat who sleeps on the windowsill for most of the day.

I just feel so awful because of what Flat 1's daughter has said to us. We try so hard to be quiet. I'm doing the things I've always done, as this is what my parents did when they lived in rented flats.

I'm worried that we'll get reported to our landlord and potentially thrown out in what basically amounts to my daughter crying and an argument maybe once a month. We don't have a garden but do have a small balcony that I occasionally stand on and watch the world go by generally while DD naps or sleeps at night.

AIBU or are we the neighbours from hell?

YNBU. I think Neighbours DD is. I also think it's a bit cowardly underhand for her to just text you.

If you live in a block of communal flats you have to expect some noise, gosh I was in a ground floor flat with DD the first few years and I could hear my upstairs elderly neighbour go for a wee in the night!

I agree with another pp who said engage as little as possible with them. They sound as fruitloop as a couple of my neighbours. Is it an old build OP? Old builds seem to have little or no protection re sound. I'm in an old build (terraced houses) I had an awful chest infection that landed me in hospital once, couldn't stop coughing in the night etc, my NDN with teenage kids shouted shut up to me I was trying to!

If she's never even met your DH could that text have been meant for another neighbour who's DH she is intimidated by.

ask our downstairs neighbour what a neighbour from hell is like. (clue: autistic boy whose current meltdowns include jumping up and down on the floor loudly then shouting throughthe floor at downstairs neighbour for shouting at him)

stop worrying so much. use the tv at normal volume. go about life normally. let dd have toys if you want (obviously not hammering them on the floor or a drum kit or anything). if she complains then they can not do anything about the normal living noise.

You sound perfectly considerate, unless of course your DH was being intimidating.

But I have lived in flats in the same set up as you, it was absolutely horrendous, I could hear upstairs every single move and their tv was louder in my flat than theirs! I would go out in the day because my children couldn't nap, it was like perminant Thunder above the ceiling i am not exaggerating
I didn't complain to them because they knew the noise issue and weren't deliberately loud, it was just bad soundproofing unfortunately.

So YANBU but that doesn't mean your neighbour isn't disturbed, she will just have the suck it up

Text back outlining everything you do go minimise noise.

Tell her that her mum has never even spoken to your dh. Say nothing else, just that as it speaks for itself.

Tell her that if a baby crying once a night is noisy then the noise will increase when baby is a toddler and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that besides what you're already doing to decrease noise.

Finally, say politely that her mum should approach you since it's her flat and not dd's.

I'd leave it then. It's ridiculous. And, in fact, it's already ridiculous that you're watching your TV with subtitles on the off chance that it's too loud for her!

My DH looks intimidating but he's as soft as shite. I agree with the other posters who think they have your DH mixed up with someone else's unless the dd's DM has talked to him, which he ignored, as he had his headphones in?

Some people are funny fuckers.

ask our downstairs neighbour what a neighbour from hell is like. (clue: autistic boy whose current meltdowns include jumping up and down on the floor loudly then shouting throughthe floor at downstairs neighbour for shouting at him)

Sorry, your neighbours shout through their ceiling at your son???

Definitely do not engage with this, ridiculous that the daughter would get in touch and not the actual resident.

Trying to be unnaturally quiet is a strain on the nerves and your neighbour lives alone - she is probably quieter as a result - after all she has no-one to talk to except the telly/radio. This makes her super sensitive to any of the normal sounds you make.

Not much more you can do except whisper - and that's unreasonable. All you can do is have a word with her, say sorry, you're being as quiet as you can, dyspraxia makes you clumsy and try to stay on good terms.

Dear X,

has never even spoken to your Mum, so I am am not sure why she feels he is intimidating. We have a young child and go out of our way to keep her quiet but the nature of babies is that they will sometimes make some noise. As you know I am dyspraxic so will sometimes drop things because my co-ordination isn't great. We try at all times to be considerate of the fact that other people live in the building, but part and parcel of living in a flat is that you will hear noise from your neighbours. If your Mum feels that we are 'neighbours from hell' then I suggest you contact the Council's noise team, because we don't feel that we are being anti-social or unreasonable. Regards OP.

I wouldn't text back at all. Don't engage with any of it. Save the text in case LL does get involved but I wouldn't reply to any of it. If her DM is feeling that intimidated then they should go through the proper channels.

Here, one side had moved in about a year, they knew we didn't have pets because of DCs asthma, still decided to knock on one night to ask if I had a dog because they'd spotted fox poo in their garden The other side, like I said the coughing incident, which I obviously couldn't help.

Going back to the first side, they once asked me to ask my Dad to stop parking outside MY house, when he visited us. Why? So her DH could park his workvan there to save the space outside their own house, for their own visiting family. No driveways or parking restrictions in place. None of us have a legal leg to stand on, but they thought they had a right anyway.

My point being, you cant reason with these sort of neighbours, at all.
I know we are noisy sometimes (?ASD DS here) and I still apologise when he has epic meltdowns because of this, but i wouldn't apologise for reasonably expected noise and don't expect my neighbours to tread on eggshells either.

Sorry fell asleep last night.

I'm sure the neighbour maybe getting DH mixed up with the man who lives in Flat 4, he's huge; built like a rugby player and has a deep voice. He's a lovely man though.

I know the daughter through a hobby. We became friends and then she realised her mum lived underneath me. Hence why I thought she was my friend.

I have replied saying that we try our best to be quiet, but as we also hear sounds from her mum/the other flats is she sure it's all us? I also offered to go and listen to the noise while DH is home and DD in bed/napping to see if there's anything else we can do.

No reply.

DH is upset because I spent the night crying and upset about it - DD already spends 1 night a month with her grandparents so she's not here - not because of the neighbours but I'm sure it helps.

Honestly OP, stop pandering to them.

You will make your life miserable if you try to pander to their wishes.

They sound like they have gotten the wrong person

Don't engage but if it carries on do contact your council for harrasment

I'd leave it at that Buttons. Don't respond to any more if she does text back.

Hobby or not, there's ways and means of going about things.

Pressed post too soon.

Hobby or not there's ways and means of going about things. For her DD to text you not even being entirely sure if all noise is from you, they could have approached this better.

OP - please send pauldacres reply. it's succinct, not apologetic (you have nothing to apologise for) and puts the ball back in her court.

I sympathise with NFH; dp has one. I posted on here about NFH getting drunk most nights, having screaming/throwing matches at 2AM with his drinking partner, about the ££££s of soundproofing we'd put in,
but we got precisely nowhere. Even with months of weekly diaries from the council, sound recording equipment, complaints to MP and counsellors... we eventually built an extention seperate from his party wall.

Not possible for you, but my point is that even is she does complain to LL or council, there is very little they can be bothered to do.

We had similar problems too when we used to live in a flat. This woman moaned about everything from neighbours opening closing their front doors to the kids playing during the day. I think literally everyone fell out with her. Thing is with flats, the walls are so thin you can hear each other fart no matter how quiet you try to be but you are being more than considerate imo

I wouldn't pander to her, you know your not acting like an arsehole so don't let it get to you

Do not respond again. Do not offer to go listen, solutions, modifications. Just don't. Because these people, you give them an inch and they take a mile. We lived over a cunt like this. He has finally been branded a nuisance neighbour by the HA. It is a flat and you can expect to hear the noise of normal living.

We live in a semi detached house and due to the design and materials the house is built with it conducts sound. The neighbours in the first couple of years we were here tried to make an issue over noise. We are tenants they are owner occupiers. I contacted the council myself and explained the situation. They came out to monitor tge noise then wrote to neighbours offering to sound proof our side providing the neighbours paid for their side...heard no more complaints!

My point OP is it might be worth not engaging too much but be proactive without pandering to take the wind out their sails. ..

What kind of flooring do you have, OP? Do you have carpets or laminate/sanded floors?

If the latter, I have some sympathy with your neighbour although she hasn't gone about addressing the issue in an appropriate way.

If you have carpets then the issue is more likely to do with soundproofing in the building.

I think you sound really considerate!
Tv with subtitles??
I do wonder though if when you argue you are louder than you think.
You have my sympathy with coordination though, i am the same!

The thing that bothers me with threads like these though, is when people always say, "oh well the neighbour shouldn't have moved into a flat".
Not everybody gets an option where they live, or have enough money to move into a house

We have carpets in all rooms bar kitchen and bathroom where we have tiles which are supposed to help with sound proofing.

Carpets are thick wool, MIL chose them especially due to us being above someone in a flat.

'is when people always say, "oh well the neighbour shouldn't have moved into a flat".
Not everybody gets an option where they live, or have enough money to move into a house confused'

Well, yes, kalli, we live in a flat for that reason. BUT we expect to hear the noise of those living normally round us as a result. We hear peoples' children, DIY, tellies/music, doors slamming, talking/yelling. As long as it's reasonable and between the hours of 7am-11pm, you put up with it.

ex no i agree with you, it's just whenever this sort of thread comes up people always say the person hating the noise should move. Not everybody has that option.

What flooring do you have OP?
You don't particularly sound like you are trying to upset her but as someone who has lived below someone you do feel that upstairs is purposely stamping above your head. You do sound very reasonable but she probably doesnt realise it. Maybe she had a neighbour from hell who terrorised her before, once you had been terrorised it makes you uber sensitive to anything.

Op i wish u were my neighbour lol
I live below someone who doesnt care about consideration because "he was there first" and he has laminate flooring AND walks around in SHOES!!!