To think that my child's misbehaviour at school is my fault?

[Pinkoyster795]

My DC is 5.3 years old, and is in reception. DC started off reasonably well-settled in nicely and doing very well with the 'academic' side of things. However the teacher has called me in 3 times in the last 2 weeks to complain that DC is not listening, is answering back and generally being disruptive. She feels that DC is disturbing the class (which I understand), and won't let other children answer questions.

I have spoken to DC at LENGTH re listening to the teacher and not disrupting-he says he really tries hard not to interrupt. The teacher wrote another detailed letter today saying DC's behaviour us very 'up and down' and not consistent. She has asked for another meeting next week. I'm ashamed to say that I cried when I read it.

To give a bit of background, I had a tough birth with DC, and really struggle with him sometimes (see previous posts). He is very 'full-on', very mature for his age but equally demanding. I'm just at a loss how to deal with him. I'm trying to be gentle and kind, but some days I really lose my rag and shout which must obviously affect him and younger sibling. I think his behaviour is somehow all my fault but I really don't know how to make it right :(

Can any one help/advise?

Dear OP it is not your fault and his behaviour in school is down to the school to fix, with your support and reinforcement at home. You are his parent. The teacher is the professional, with access to other professionals. Sending letters home saying what an awful boy he is is unhelpful and passing the buck.

When you next meet the teacher ask what strategies they plan to put in place to help him cope with school. What carrots, what sticks (not literally) and if there is anything you can help with at home.

But I repeat: they are the professionals and it is their job to help him meet expectations at school.

In which case let me share the 5 C's of parenting with you (as taught to me many years ago)...

It's all about Communication - make sure you understand the situation fully before trying to solve a problem, listen to your DS, check you have understood him. Make sure you are talking to him at eye level and give him your full attention, no distractions like TV or music. When you say something, make sure DS has heard and understood you.

Be Calm - Take a moment to plan your response, count to five, don't get angry. If DS is cross or sad (or in a silly mood), help him to calm down too before you start trying to fix the problem, he'll be in a better place to respond reasonably.

Be Clear - what are you trying to achieve? What outcome do you want/hope to achieve? If you don't know then you aren't going to be able to explain it to DS...and make sure you are clear (age appropriate words and ideas) when you explain to him.

Be Consistent - Don't debate until you turn a "no" into a "yes", stick to what you have said. If you have a house rule, stick to it. Make sure the other adults who care for DS know the rules too - so you can all be consistent together.

Be Confident - you are the parent, you have a right to set rules and boundaries, you have made a decision - be confident in it.

I count them off on my fingers when I'm going into a tricky situation, over 10 years since I first learned them. Makes me feel much more in control and better prepared (TBH it worked on my team of computer programmers at work too).

My advice would foe you at home if you find him 'bossy' is to calmly state the case and facts of the situation and then walk away.

Some children are absolute geniuses at getting adults/parents into an argument. It never ends well!

Don't negotiate. But do give clear choices.

"Do you want to brush your teeth first or out your pyjamas on first"

If the answer is neither of the choices respond with.

"Yiu were given a choice I'll be doing X when you want to tell me which one you choose."

The walk away. You may need to take the remote controls, iPad or anything else he'll do instead of making the choice to delay.

But just keep repeating calmly in a bored voice that he's been given a choice and you'll talk to him when he answers.

Dear OP I just saw you lost another child and I am so sorry

Without wanting to be to 'woo' I can imagine that the effect this has had in you may well have impacted your parenting and his reactions . I do NOT say that in a blame way - but we humans are all emotional sponges

Get some help and again so so sorry for your loss - you deserve happiness and calmness

And thanks perspuccia !

Hope his ct has enuf training not to be focussing on him doing what she does not want him to do as then she will be reinforcing what she does not want. Is she new or maybe old fashioned? Tell her what works for you is Ignoring his slip ups and catching him doing the desired behaviour.

The punishment route is doomed to failure,op. Avoid at all costs.Reward at the smallest opportunity as often as possible,which can mean positive words of praise for trying his best.

Thanks all. I think the reward system sits more comfortably with me. I am very strict with him at home, and last night I was thinking maybe he's playing up at school because I'm very strict at home? Like that's his only outlet to release?

I've been so upset about it all that I didn't sleep till 4am last night :(

Hi pinkoyster, go down to his level. Take his hands in yours. Look into his face/eyes. And say 'if you cannot speak to me decently we are unable to have a conversation. Now what were you trying to say to mummy'
Even the very young will respond to being spoken to with respect and demanding their respect in return.
Even when mine were babies I never used a baby voice or baby words and they responded by giving me respect because I gave them respect.
I do hope this helps. Don't worry mine used to shout at me and i found myself shouting back, but I did try to keep the respect on both sides....it's really tough though.

The problem with being very strict is that it can sometimes bite you on the bum. Children can either end up rebelling when they realise that you don't hold the power they thought you did, or (and this sounds more like your DS) struggle to learn how to make the right choices for themselves independently.
But he is very tiny still and very open to learning. You can't change him, you can only change how you behave and than watch him change in response.
See if you can get Raising Happy Children (stimpson & ?) from your library.

Thanks OP.

My strong feeling is that you need to figure out your own strengths and natural ways of parenting, not try to do it anyone else's way.

Guilt can make that hard perhaps?

I hope this forum helps you do that xx

Pink What do you mean by 'very strict?' I agree with Perspicia Total freedom is silly, but there does need to be a space where children can\need to relax and home is usually the place where that happens.

DCs need to feel loved and understood like adults not continually 'got at' .

RELAX oyster