To think that my child's misbehaviour at school is my fault?

[Pinkoyster795]

My DC is 5.3 years old, and is in reception. DC started off reasonably well-settled in nicely and doing very well with the 'academic' side of things. However the teacher has called me in 3 times in the last 2 weeks to complain that DC is not listening, is answering back and generally being disruptive. She feels that DC is disturbing the class (which I understand), and won't let other children answer questions.

I have spoken to DC at LENGTH re listening to the teacher and not disrupting-he says he really tries hard not to interrupt. The teacher wrote another detailed letter today saying DC's behaviour us very 'up and down' and not consistent. She has asked for another meeting next week. I'm ashamed to say that I cried when I read it.

To give a bit of background, I had a tough birth with DC, and really struggle with him sometimes (see previous posts). He is very 'full-on', very mature for his age but equally demanding. I'm just at a loss how to deal with him. I'm trying to be gentle and kind, but some days I really lose my rag and shout which must obviously affect him and younger sibling. I think his behaviour is somehow all my fault but I really don't know how to make it right :(

Can any one help/advise?

unfortunately the government set the standards and test phonics at the end of key stage two so the teacher has no choice but to have these phonic sessions for all the children.

I am firmly of the opinion that formal settings are not suited to 5 year olds they're not built to sit still and listen for lengths of time!
This ^^

You mention he controls family - this could also be a factor and he's exerting his 'control' in class - or he's bored and needs the teacher to offer more challenge

Ask family to stop giving in to him - it's not real life to get your own way all the time and they won't be doing him any favours long term

At schoolm, start by asking open ended questions that explore her expectations/level of challenge - can she challenge his knowledge or channel it by giving him tasks/jobs/work in a group so more collaborative?

why, I wanted to be a parent for as long as I remember. And then I lost a child at 5 months... After came my two beautiful DC's who are my world, but I really struggle with DS.. I'm trying to think of positive things about my parenting but most evenings I'm wallowing in guilt cos I think I could've done better. Thats why I think DS misbehaving at school is my fault. Maybe there's something I did/didn't do/could do better...

Sounds like hammer to crack a nut to me. Is she experienced enough?. He sounds like a normal kid. Don't make the mistake of excusing his difficult birth for bad behaviour but tbh it's not bad behaviour, normal for his age, and you don't give any indication he has resultant difficulties from his birth.

And lead with the carrot...reward him every time you see him listening to someone and not interrupting at home/out and about.

Just a thought.
If you can find out from the teacher how she works circle time (all the children sitting in a circle, sharing in turn and listening to others), what cues she expects the children to use when they want to talk etc., then you can try using the same system with your DS at home. For example, at mealtimes when you are sitting round the table (on bottoms, not hopping up and down) then teach your DS to wait until it is his turn to talk, not to interrupt etc.

I despair sometimes, lougie Stamping in muddy puddles is what children DO fgs it's not naughty it's just being a child, they're not in prison. (though I wonder ). No wonder the dcs are stressed out so young.

All the joy of life is being removed from them at such a young age and for what? In many European schools children aren't even expected to do academic work till after age 6.

My son has always been high maintenance - can't play independently, needs constant reassurance that what he is doing is amazing, gets bored quickly, refuses to watch TV. So I imagine having him all day along with 29 other kids must be exhausting for his teacher. He used to wear me out from a very young age.
We never had any complaints from school until year 1 when they are expected to sit still for longer periods of time. Don't forget they are really tired by this time of year.
What worked for us was implementing a reward system using marbles, and he got to decide what the treat was. So 10 marbles was something simple like something from the pound shop, 20 marbles was a trip to the museum etc.... This really worked for him - obviously they got taken out if he was a pain.
Shouting has never worked - it just gets him all wound up & upset & seems to exacerbate the situation rather than remedy it.
Organized team sports has had a big impact too - I think high energy children really need a release and a challenge with some competitive element. It has really helped to calm him down & give him some focus. He is only 6 so not much older.
Oh and fizzy sweets don't help much either. Good luck - it will improve I am sure

sounds like you need a parenting 101 and some decent advice and support

often a bad birth can lead to issues, then they aggravate, its hard

I feel for you, and if I was in your situation I would pay for some help and advise

my DS1 can be a little sod, only reason I am not prompted to get myself help is that he never gets into trouble, but I think I need get some advice too

good luck! you are not alone!

A few things jump out about your post:

I have spoken to DC at LENGTH re listening to the teacher and not disrupting
As a previous poster said, this is not really an effective mechanism for a 5yo! I think he should have had some consequences eg. not going to something he wants to, no TV for a couple of days or whatever.

he says he really tries hard not to interrupt
Well yes, of course it is, but I don't think it can just be this. My DC is a bit of an interrupter. We spoke to him, school spoke to him, it stopped. It is showing off, and not giving others a chance. It is easy enough to put your hand up.

AIBU to think it's my fault
YABU to think it is exclusively your fault. It is also his CHOICE how to behave. If you constantly blame yourself, you can't teach your ds his responsibility in it all, how to accept that, how to not feel guilty for bad behaviour but motivated to change. I think you excuse him (bad birth) or feel guilty about his birth and then take on too much of the responsibility.

I'm trying to be gentle and kind..but then some days I lose my rag...
This is because he's not listening and not respectful of you. It's an escalation where you try and try and try to be nice, but they are not responding to it, and then you get so frustrated you lose it. It's hard (I do this too), but I find it more effective to nip it in the bud before it gets to that place. A calm warning. An implementation of a consequence. We also have a point system - plus points for good behaviour an minus points for bad. It earns x box time (mine are Y2 and Y5).

I think you need to be a bit stricter whilst still showing a lot of love and affection and kindness, but perhaps gentleness is not working too well.

Also - it might be worth trying to reframe your DS's behaviour at school as his problem rather than yours. This takes some of the pressure off you, because you can't fix the problem, you can only help DS to fix it.
So it is OK to ask him for ideas on what he thinks he should do differently, how he thinks he should be punished and rewarded, how he is going to know if it is OK to talk or not. Support him in starting to think about how he can fix the problem and you will be helping him to regulate his own behaviour (rather than relying on external adults to regulate it for him). All this done very gently and collaboratively so he is guided through the process although in my experience small children can be surprisingly strict and inventive with punishments.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I don't like to hear of your feelings of guilt xx

Would you tell us a little about your other child

Perspicacia, that is a great strategy.

Merry, you make some really valid points. I think I feel railroaded by him sometimes, and struggle to make myself heard without resorting to being a wailing banshee..

I will definitely try the rewards system at home with marbles. I really like the idea of that. My biggest aim is trying to make him understand that I'm the adult so I get to decide what happens rather than him.

My previously very good reception dd is beings bit tricky at the moment. Not listening, bossy and a bit defiant. She has also shot up so I'm guessing it's a growth spurt. It must be the age.

Wow OP you are being too hard on yourself !

I am appalled thst a 5 year old is being criticised in this way by a reception teacher ! Reception is already too much too young.

Remember that other European countries don't begin formal settings for education until 6 or 7. My European relatives think qe are unbeliever in the UK for asking 4 and 5 year olds to follow a formal structure rather than a day of play based learning

Can you talk to the teacher about him being bored, or to the Head Teacher? Our school teach pupils wherever necessary, so any reception ones who already knew their phonics, would have those lessons with class 1 instead of reception. A couple of children did maths and phonics at a higher level so that they did not get bored with the teaching. Is that something your school does or could do?

pink if you were a bad parent, would you be on a parenting forum seeking help for your son? That's not a route you need to go down.

See what teacher says - and what suggestions she has. To me, he sounds tired, bored, and maybe over-indulged by his extended family (?). I suspect your teacher will have seen this many times before. I think the key thing to discover is if he is being deliberately 'naughty' or if he just doesn't quite get it yet.

Do remember that he's still so little, and very much still finding his way at school and in the wider world away from his family. My niece was the first born grandchild/niece/child and to be honest we ridiculously over-indulged her. She was, naturally, a wee bugger when she got to school age - after all, we'd all treated her like she owned the place, so she got a big shock to her system upon arrival at school, where she wasn't the centre of the teacher's attention all the time.

The first couple of years were hard, both for her, her parents and her teacher, who was very good with practical tips.

you have had a loss and then two dc - have you had some bereavement counselling? you need some support for yourself to get out of the wallowing in guilt. you have nothing to be guilty for. you maybe need some support.

yes you can feel guilty for the instant if you shouty - but that is something you can address.
dont wallow, think about getting some support and help.

some CBT type therapy can help with developing strategies
a parenting course could help you see that you doing a lot that is right

why, my other DC (4) is boisterous, but I would say at the moment his behaviour is within the boundaries of 'acceptable'.. However, he's started picking up on his sibling's bossiness and mirroring it, which's why I'm really keen to nip things in the bud early on. I can't face the day when I'm struggling with both of them.

Mother's union run parents classes thought the churches. Tbh I was dubious and went along to keep a friend company but I found the classes really good. No religion (except in the last optional class), not expensive and the chance to talk with other mums in a way I hadn't since they were babies. There are other providers but a place to look - think they call it Talk about Parenting. Oh and you get tea and biscuits.

I'm a big fan of parenting classes too - a good leader will encourage every parent to see what they are already achieving, how capable they are and to understand that seeking support and new ideas is the very definition of a good parent who is looking to become even better.

I had bereavement counselling after the death of my first child. I then had DS a few years after. I don't think I had pnd as whenever I wasn't with DC's I was always absolutely fine. Just found DS a struggle-difficult birth, severely sleep-deprived for the first few years and very demanding/full-on. I thought 5 would be the magic umber when he would suddenly get more manageable but it seems we are still in at the deep-end.

If kids rule the roost at home that will be difficult for them in a different environment at school where there are 29 others and they don't rule the roost.
So clear firm boundaries at home with lots of reward and praise for sticking to them and upbeat atmosphere. Be consistent with school rules e.g not interrupting. Friends who teach tell me the children with very liberal parents are the worst behaved because they are used to having their own way, doing whatever they like and not adhering to rules.
I would be very surprised if a child was genuinely bored in reception.
Good luck

Parenting classes sound a good option. I just want to feel like I'm in control and I don't at the moment.