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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To publicly thank my sisters partner not her husband?

44 replies

Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 13:16

So this is quite a long and convoluted story so bear with me.

My sister has just passed away from a long battle with MS. It's not totally out the blue and she has been saying for a long time she doesn't want to be around much longer. The infection she contracted recently was just too much.

Her kind of husband (he left her ten years ago however the never divorced so it's a bit murky) got a bit heavy handed in the hospital and started yelling at staff saying she was his husband and he deserved to know what was going on. Me and my parents have not spoken to him in ten years. He wasn't a good husband, he left her because the m.s became too much for him to deal with and he was abusive during there time together. unfortunately my sister did always love him and never really got over him leaving her.

Two years after she left she met a new man and moved counties to live with him. Over the last 8 years he has cared for her every need right till the end when she was bed bound. She complained about him a lot to me, said he was useless and didn't earn enough. He's very different to her husband, basically night and day. He's not ambitious or high flying but he is very kind and caring. I don't think my sister ever expressed much gratitude, he took her on at the height of her ms and cared for her for so long. The m.s did affect her brain and personality towards the end and I do think that has something to do with it.

Partner has been left a small amount of money in the will. Nothing has been left to husband. Husband isn't happy and wants to contest. He's claiming they were going to back together and he thought they had more time.

He makes my skin crawl but for the sake of my niece I'm trying to be civil. The funeral is next week and I can't face doing a eulogy but I want to make a speech at the wake about my sister and thanking everyone to come. I am debating adding a line saying 'myself and my parents would like to take a second to thank partner for all the help and support he's given over the years to my dear sister and to let him know he will always be a part of the family'

Would this be unreasonable?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/06/2016 13:20

So sorry for your loss Thanks

YANBU at all.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/06/2016 13:20

Not unreasonable at all.
Her DH is an twat of the highest order.
You say what you feel. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad she had someone who looked after her and cared for her.

HopeArden · 17/06/2016 13:21

Not unreasonable at all. I actually think the partner will be pretty hurt if he is sidelined, having been there for your sister through all the tough times, just because her estranged h has turned up. Your sister's partner is the widower, not her legal h and he should be treated and respected as such.

EveryoneElsie · 17/06/2016 13:22

Sincere condolences. Flowers

YANBU but he wont see it that way.
What does your sisters partner think of his role in her funeral?

Scottishchick39 · 17/06/2016 13:22

Not unreasonable at all, the ex sounds a complete dick.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/06/2016 13:25

Honestly, I don't think it is unreasonable and he deserves the recognition. Maybe phrase it as the support he gave her in the "last years" of her life rather than "over the years" then its more specific (unless the exDH thinks he was there for her too?)

WeAllHaveWings · 17/06/2016 13:25

..Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 13:25

Partner is the kind to take a step back so I can see him being pushed to one side by husband at funeral. He's not the kind of person to be 'what about me'. We all really want him involved though. He honestly did so much for her.

Husband keeps calling me sis and it's making me want to hurl.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/06/2016 13:26

I hope her Will is in order because her husband would inherit anything otherwise.

Original poster
Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 13:31

She had to put a clause in to discredit him and the solicitor said its irontight

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 17/06/2016 13:43

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, my sisters are very dear to me.

I absolutely think you should do it. I certainly would.

PacificDogwod · 17/06/2016 13:45

My sincere condolences Thanks

YANBU.
I think it is a lovely thing to do.
Her partner sounds like a decent human being who might appreciate an acknowledgement from the family that you are aware of how much he did for her and that he continues to be part of your family, if that is what you want, of course.

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 13:46

Sorry for your loss. I agree you should do it - I'm sure it's what she would have wanted. I hope you are also taking care of yourself。

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/06/2016 13:47

I don't think you should wait til the wake, please tell him now as well if you haven't already. He sounds wonderful and I'm glad your sister had him in her life, not her arse of a husband (in legal terms only).

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

ArcheryAnnie · 17/06/2016 13:48

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

I think thanking her partner sounds a lovely and appropriate thing to do. Being a carer, especially a carer of someone you love, as their illness advances isn't at all an easy thing to do.

Her ex-husband sound like a total cock, TBH. You have no obligations to him or his feelings at all.

CalmItKermitt · 17/06/2016 13:50

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I think it's a lovely idea. What a wonderful man he sounds.

BurningBridges · 17/06/2016 13:51

I agree with everyone else, in fact I think you must thank this man at the funeral. The husband is neither here nor there, try to ignore him. I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry that this arse is back in your lives.

Onthecouchagain · 17/06/2016 13:52

YANBU. That's brought a tear to my eye.

Original poster
Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 14:03

The main thing I'm concerned about is him kicking off and how it'll make my niece feel. She is very much a daddies girl and I don't want to make the relationship between her and my family strained. I promised my sister id look out for her.

Also part of me just wants to do it to piss of the husband. Which is really immature and I don't like this about myself.

Have thanked partner more times than I can think. Plan on very much including him in all future family occasions.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 17/06/2016 14:07

So sorry for your loss. I actually think what you're proposing to do is absolutely the right thing.

Her partner should be thanked, you should let him know you consider him to be part of your family (if that is how you feel, which I think you do from your OP).

The (ex)H should not at all be mentioned, screw him if he's annoyed. Other than for the sake of a piece of paper he is s nobody in all of your lives and should be treated/acknowledged as such. With zero input into proceedings and zero mention.

Lovewineandchocs · 17/06/2016 14:09

If he kicks off at the funeral he will look like a complete arsehole (obviously he is one!) how old is your niece? Surely she'll know that it's her mum's partner, not her dad, who has been caring for her mum in her last years. Sorry for your loss Flowers

44PumpLane · 17/06/2016 14:09

Oh also, if he chooses to cause a scene at a funeral or wake, EVERYONE will get to see what a twat he is- you can't lie your way out of having not been part of someone's life for 10 years and your niece (at least 10/11) is old enough to remember this and realise what a bell end her dad is if he makes a scene.

ineedwine99 · 17/06/2016 14:17

Not at all unreasonable, he sounds like he was a wonderful partner to her and a comfort to your family knowing she was cared for.
Hope ou and your family are all doing as well as can be, very sorry for your loss Flowers

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/06/2016 14:19

Under the circs, I'd make some pointed comments about how difficult her illness had been and how she discovered who her true friends were as her illness advance. Those who had been able to support physically and spiritually [covers the great friends who were there for her emotionally but couldn't give much practical support] as things got difficult. Then I'd make a very public statement of affection and thanks to her partner. I wouldn't make the slightest acknowledgement of her "husband"

But then I'm a bit of a bitch when I want to be.

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

IJustLostTheGame · 17/06/2016 14:23

Yanbu at all.
Do it.
Perhaps invite the dp to say something or read something?

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