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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To publicly thank my sisters partner not her husband?

44 replies

Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 13:16

So this is quite a long and convoluted story so bear with me.

My sister has just passed away from a long battle with MS. It's not totally out the blue and she has been saying for a long time she doesn't want to be around much longer. The infection she contracted recently was just too much.

Her kind of husband (he left her ten years ago however the never divorced so it's a bit murky) got a bit heavy handed in the hospital and started yelling at staff saying she was his husband and he deserved to know what was going on. Me and my parents have not spoken to him in ten years. He wasn't a good husband, he left her because the m.s became too much for him to deal with and he was abusive during there time together. unfortunately my sister did always love him and never really got over him leaving her.

Two years after she left she met a new man and moved counties to live with him. Over the last 8 years he has cared for her every need right till the end when she was bed bound. She complained about him a lot to me, said he was useless and didn't earn enough. He's very different to her husband, basically night and day. He's not ambitious or high flying but he is very kind and caring. I don't think my sister ever expressed much gratitude, he took her on at the height of her ms and cared for her for so long. The m.s did affect her brain and personality towards the end and I do think that has something to do with it.

Partner has been left a small amount of money in the will. Nothing has been left to husband. Husband isn't happy and wants to contest. He's claiming they were going to back together and he thought they had more time.

He makes my skin crawl but for the sake of my niece I'm trying to be civil. The funeral is next week and I can't face doing a eulogy but I want to make a speech at the wake about my sister and thanking everyone to come. I am debating adding a line saying 'myself and my parents would like to take a second to thank partner for all the help and support he's given over the years to my dear sister and to let him know he will always be a part of the family'

Would this be unreasonable?

OP posts:

Tattieboggle · 17/06/2016 14:24

But then I'm a bit of a bitch when I want to be

No you're not.

You're comments were in actual fact just perfect.

WellDoYaPunk · 17/06/2016 14:28

Yanbu he deserves thanks, the husband doesn't

Original poster

Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 14:32

Thanks everyone I think I will say it.

Niece is 20. She definitely appreciates partner and they have a good relationship. But she hero worships her father.

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/06/2016 14:32

I'm so sorry for your loss and think that you should absolutely thank the 'new' P.

I also think it would be worth teeing up a few friends or relatives to support you and partner on the day - and by support, I mean run interference, keep XH away from you and generally manage his behaviour so he isn't in your face. Calling you 'sis' actually made my skin crawl too - you shouldn't have to deal with that at your sister's funeral.

EyefulTower · 17/06/2016 14:35

YANBU, it's a lovely thing to say. Are you also planning to especially mention your niece? She must have been really important to your sister and she might feel the need for some reassurance about how loved and appreciated she was by her mum and looked after she will be by the rest of the family now.

Crinkle77 · 17/06/2016 14:43

Surely he can't expect to rock up after 10 years and act like they never split up? Why would he expect to be acknowledged? I mean he left her at a time when she needed him the most. He can't act like a grieving husband now and surely the rest of the family will not tolerate this?

2beautifulkids · 17/06/2016 14:50

That's a lovely thing to say.
So sorry for your loss

MurphysChild · 17/06/2016 14:54

YANBU. I am guessing that the ex may well have believed that because they never divorced he would inherit the bulk of her estate, hence why he is trying to contest the will and being so poisonous. This is especially low when I imagine she has left most of her money to your niece, his daughter.

I think your comments sound lovely and I would imagine that your sister's partner would be very touched by them. There is no need to add words relating to the ex.

PerspicaciaTick · 17/06/2016 14:58

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister .
I think you re right to acknowledge all the support and care your DSis's partner has given her day-to-day over many years.

The fact that her ex is kicking off about money when the funeral hasn't even happened yet tells you everything you need to know about him.

PoshPenny · 17/06/2016 15:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. Wheat you want to say sounds great to me. One thing worries me. If your niece is inheriting the bulk of her mothers estate, what safeguards are or can be put in place to try and prevent her father from persuading her to sign a chunk of it over to him? I don't wish to be a prophet of doom but....

Tattieboggle · 17/06/2016 15:07

I don't wish to be a prophet of doom but

As hard as that would be for anyone to stomach I think if it does happen people will just have to accept it whilst making it clear to the girl that once its done its done.

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 15:16

A wake isn't the time for making a point - but the original wording is fine - and it would seem very odd if his place in her life wasn't acknowledged.

As for the husband - if he wants to make an arse of himself - let him go ahead. If he's entitled to a share of the estate he can take it up with the executors and go to court if he chooses but as a family you should be saying "Talk to the executor" and if you are the executor spell it out clearly that his wife's subsequent will means he is entitled to nothing - and if he wishes to challenge this he should take legal advice (once he finds out what it'll cost and he has a weak case he'll shut up). As for the daughter -if she lives with him then obviously keeping things at arms length may help you keep contact .....if she's an adult - that's a different matter and she can make her own decisions about him.

haveacupoftea · 17/06/2016 15:19

YANBU

Do what is right.

LaBelleOtero · 17/06/2016 15:24

I'd add his name ' Her partner -' or people may think you mean her husband. But it's a lovely thing to do, and if her ex kicks off then people will see his true colours.

Original poster

Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 15:39

Oh I was planning on saying his name, just said partner for mn

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/06/2016 15:41

I think what you put in the OP is just right.
Like you I wouldn't be looking to stir up trouble but wouldn't be intimidated into not saying things how they are.
A simple acknowledgement of his care for your sister over many years is entirely appropriate.
ExH made other choices.
I wouldn't be trying to make it either harder or easier for him TBH
It is what it is.
Sorry for your loss

BurningBridges · 17/06/2016 17:24

How old is DN? Do you think husband has racked up now to see if he can get any money/house etc?

Rainbunny · 17/06/2016 17:35

I would also reference her partner as "... X's longterm partner, Z..." to make it clear that he was a significant part of her life for a long time. I think he absolutely deserves that recognition and this has nothing to do with the husband's feelings. This poor partner has gone through a very long and painful journey, I think he deserves all the appreciation, support and respect your family can show. I'd stay out of the husband's business even if he tried to drag me into it. If he did, in your shoes I'd probably just say privately to him that I would not support any contesting of the will and I would support the will as it stands. Your niece is an adult and she needs to be able to understand the situation, I certainly wouldn't throw the partner under the bus out of worry of damaging your relationship with your niece.

Rainbunny · 17/06/2016 17:35

OH, I'm sorry I meant to add my condolences OP.

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