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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my friend?

56 replies

Twinklestar2 · 14/06/2016 21:29

I have a son who is nearly 2 and a friend who I have been friends with for 25 years.

I had problems conceiving my child and ended up having IVF which worked second time round. Friend knows this. She doesn't have a child of her own yet.

Friend also wants a child but about a year before I conceived her fiancé got someone else pregnant. I was there for her, cried, supported her, threatened to kill him! I feel like I'm a good friend to her.

We seem to have a blow up every year. It generally starts with her picking away at me till I snap back. I think we are getting close to this now...

She keeps on digging at me about my son, saying I'm OTT about him because I said I was cutting my days at work from 5 to 4 to spend more time with him and that I needed to get a grip.

Laughing at me looking at holidays through Tots To Travel. And saying her sister and husband are taking their son and driving to France from London, not booking any hotels, just rocking up in France and will find a hotel at the time. She then said that her sister and husband are very relaxed with her nephew and 'she isn't up her son's arse all the time, her son has just slotted into their lives', basically insinuating that I am. I didn't bite, I just said I couldn't do that cause I like to be organised.

Telling me that having half an hour for lunch was ridiculous when she knows I do that so I can leave work half an hour early to get home to do bath and bedtime.

I think I do the things that normal mums do. Or am I OTT? maybe I'm a little more PFB with him because of how long I had to wait and what I went through to go with him. But I thought that would be understandable.

OP posts:

myownprivateidaho · 14/06/2016 22:17

She is being u with the mean comments, but I think that taking a half hour lunch break to see her is a bit rubbish to be honest. Presuming it's not more that once a week, and you're not stuck for childcare, I think you should take an hour. I'd be offended if I met a good friend and they wouldn't see for more than half an hour at a time. Baby or not.

CoolCarrie · 14/06/2016 22:18

You should try not to rise to her bait. You are doing a great job, little ones arent little for long, enjoy your time with your child and sod her. She does sound very jealous. Her problem, not yours!

anaa1 · 14/06/2016 22:21

Maybe it would even deepen your friendship then, if you are able to be honest with her? There is no reason you can't just tell her "when you say that, it seems that you are having a dig at me" that type of thing. Since you know she does this, you can be ready for it and be ready to challenge her on it, even if that is done very gently?

CoolCarrie · 14/06/2016 22:23

AyeAmarok, i know how you feel and its crap, but rise above it, people who are like this arent worth bothering about.

Original poster

Twinklestar2 · 14/06/2016 22:25

Borntohula - we usually have it out, I'm usually the first one to contact her after the fight and she says that it's only because of how close we are that she feels she can say anything to me.

OP posts:

ArnieChops · 14/06/2016 22:26

I've been friends with my best friend for 7 years. We've had one argument and that's because her ex was a bloody arsehole and I was sick of him hurting her and she kept sticking up for him.
We've never had one since, she doesn't have a child and she never tells me how to bring my kids up, she's there for me when I have problems and tries her hardest to think of daytime activities that we can do together that fit around me and the kids.
She doesn't sound much like a friend and if I had to deal with that every year I'd be telling her where to go. She does sound insanely jealous and I agree with pp that she seems to get a kick from it when your not happy and enjoys picking chunks out of you when you are.
Even if you were being PFB (which I don't think you are, I think you're trying your best to be a good parent) then it's got bugger all to do with her and she should keep her nose out.

ExitPursuedByBear · 14/06/2016 22:29

If you can't be pfb with your pfb then when can you be?

Smile and wave.

Original poster

Twinklestar2 · 14/06/2016 22:30

Myown - I'll bear that in mind. Usually I try and take longer when I see her but am aware that I have agreed half an hour with work so don't want to take the piss.

She has been working for the civil service for 15 years, they hot desk so she doesn't sit with her team or manager, she comes in late, leaves at 4.30 and tells them she works from home on a Friday but doesn't work, just checks her emails. I work for a tiny private company and just can't get away with it as much as she can.

Today I said I could take an hour so I did. At lunch she took great pleasure in telling me that she gets paid more than me but works less than me .

OP posts:

borntohula · 14/06/2016 22:36

better to have it out than let it wind you up, maybe try saying something before you reach boiling point? 25 years is a long time to be friends with a complete arsehole, so, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she must have her redeeming features but you don't deserve to have your parenting choices picked apart by someone you're supposed to feel comfortable with. besides, it's important to make the most of the time you get with your DC, it really does fly by

Arfarfanarf · 14/06/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilacpink40 · 14/06/2016 22:39

You really need to spend time with your other real friends!

It's not nice or normal to belittle or dominate friends. Perhaps try getting straight to the point. Say that you're picking up tensions and would she like to talk with you about her problems.

If she does you may fix this, if she won't you'll have to back away or your DS will see that it's ok for mummy's friend to be mean. Do you want him to see that?

Original poster

Twinklestar2 · 14/06/2016 22:41

Lilac - she hasn't seen my so since Xmas! So she really has no idea what he's like! Maybe I'm talking about him too much ad it's annoying her....!

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 14/06/2016 22:49

I think Puntastic hit the nail on the head at 21.59. That's exactly what I was going to post. Some people secretly love it when their friends are going through a hard time. A mixture of feeling slightly smug and grateful that they aren't going through it and also being able to feel good about themselves for being a supportive friend.

Honestly she sounds horrible.

MrsLupo · 14/06/2016 22:50

Honestly, Twinkle, she sounds horrible. You mention that the upside is that she's good at listening when you need to talk through 'family issues' but all that says to me is that she loves to hear about anything that involves problems and can't bear it when you're feeling happy and sorted. I try not to be black and white about friendships because what makes them tick can't always be quantified, but this one just sounds toxic to you. Toxic relationships can be really addictive because they constantly put you on the back foot and it's hard to resist the temptation to keep trying to rectify that. Could the longevity of this friendship be more to do with that than with your closeness to this woman? I can't understand the attraction of being constantly mocked and criticised otherwise tbh.

TheJollyPostmansWife · 14/06/2016 22:54

She sounds jealous and unhappy, she's not being a good friend but if you do want to keep the friendship alive, you need to talk to her seriously about her issues, but you do need to call her out on it because it sounds like a lot to put up with on your part.

Lilacpink40 · 14/06/2016 22:56

I don't think you'd be "annoying her" by talking about your DS, unless she isn't really a friend anymore. Can you work out a time when she wasn't like this?

Just wondering if she's been using you for many years...
PS. You sound really nice and I hope you are spending time with real friends!

dangerrabbit · 14/06/2016 23:04

I would distance myself for a few years seeing as you said she was a good friend in the past and come back in about 5 years time to see if she's stopped being a massive bitch.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2016 23:06

"I have ... a friend who I have been friends with for 25 years."
No. You have an acquaintance who you have known for 25 years. There is a difference. I have to agree with other posters who have pointed out that "she's great when it comes to talking through my family issues" actually means she loves to listen to you talking about your problems. It makes her happy to see you struggle. And if yo're not struggling enough to keep her happy, then she will start "picking away at me till I snap back."

This is quite telling:
borntohula "how does she react when she realises she's pushed you too far ?"
"Borntohula - we usually have it out, I'm usually the first one to contact her after the fight and she says that it's only because of how close we are that she feels she can say anything to me."
No, being close to someone does not mean you can say anything to them. Being close to someone means you care for them enough to not say horrible things that will hurt them needlessly. I'd bet good money she's thin-skinned about any criticism directed at her!

Next time you 'have it out', do not contact her. She's not your friend.

Ambroxide · 14/06/2016 23:17

You sound normal. Your 'friend' sounds kind of mean. In your shoes I'd be distancing myself a bit.

Ladybird08 · 14/06/2016 23:22

She is definitely projecting on you.
I think you have the life she wishes she had. She is upset and jealous but this is her issue.
As you have been friends for so long can you have an honest chat with her and say although you appreciate she may be upset she cannot be mean and belittle you?

Beeziekn33ze · 14/06/2016 23:23

I don't think she's a friend, she's just a habit, one you should break to feel better!

KissMyArse · 14/06/2016 23:30

Do people actually get an hour for lunch I get 20 minutes

StrictlyMumDancing · 14/06/2016 23:37

I had a friend like this. We finally had a last blow out a few months back. I feel sad because my bestest friend is no longer in my life. I mourned the good side of her. But the stress she always brought, the mentioning and doing things that I'd told her stressed me out, her insistence I didn't do things she didn't like when she was around but refusal to take into account my feelings, etc etc, has meant that I am genuinely happier without her. I've found different sounding boards (here for instance), and generally life is much improved. Even DH has said he never realised how much she got to me, and that I rarely blow up like I used to.

Sometimes, despite length of time and amount of investment, its better to let things go. If you can do it slowly, without hatred and a blow out then it would probably be easier for you, but if the blow out is needed then do not make the first move back. Took me a long time to realise she always wanted me to run to her, and stupidly I did. I haven't this time. And I won't again, if she cared as much as I had she could make a start for once. She clearly didn't care.

BalthazarImpresario · 14/06/2016 23:44

She is being awful, not a friend and you don't have to take it to the point of biting, ignore her.
I do think she sounds incredibly sadv and angry at her own circumstances and is really jealous of you not only having a child but the balance with work etc.

All she says is her stuff, believe it or not it is unlikely to be about you.

But she's being a dick.

DarkDarkNight · 15/06/2016 00:20

I think she is so jealous it is eating her up inside. She is making herself feel better by judging you and comparing you unfavourably to her sister. There is no way you could parent your child that would please her, she's just going to keep on picking holes in everything you do.

I don't think I could be bothered by a friendship with somebody like this, but if you are going to continue to be friends I would cool off. I would stop talking about your family problems with her or sharing too much about your son.

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