to be really peeved at DS's dad

[lemonbon2]

We haven't been together for years, we have a fairly good relationship, we speak every day regarding DS and how each other is etc and would describe is as friends

A couple of times ex has needed to 'clear his head' and has gone away for a few days and we have haven't spoken, he has always told us about this and these couple of times are the only times were not in contact

This weekend we spoke as normal Thursday, then nothing all weekend! I texted him updates on DS and some pics on whatsapp which I could see he hadn't open! I was getting increasingly worried as the weekend went on, tried ringing him today, straight to voicemail, I was really worried, rang his mum (who he lives with) and she said she hadn't seen him (he doesn't have many friends or go out etc) she said if she saw him she'd pass on I was worried and that was that. I thought it was slightly strange she wasn't more worried, I had a chat with my mum and was very concerned, decided if no contact after tonight I would ring his mum again and it would be a case of reporting it

Anyway 1 hour later I get a text 'I'm fine been away, phone died, speak later'

I'm relieved obviously but mostly I'm fuming, firstly if something had happened to DS or me during this time how the hell would he have known? And secondly I spent my weekend, mainly today really concerned and imagining all sorts!!

I don't intend to argue with him over this but I do think he should know as a parent you can't just drop off the face of the earth for 3 days!! All he had to say was I'm going away for a few days I won't be in contact, as he has done before and all would be fine!!

Am I right to think this is totally selfish behaviour?

I've never had a friend who insisted we couldn't go 3 days without contact, or who made a fuss if I did not reply for a 3 day period. Don't think I would want to either. Sounds like high maintenance.

Do you think maybe you are over invested in his life?

Sounds like he's trying to back away from the intensity a bit. Not sure why he would tell you if he was going on a date

I think you're getting peeved with the responses on here because they are saying what you don't want to hear.

If his mother wasn't worried then you should leave it alone.

Your DS will only be worried if you make it a big deal and worry him. Why can't your DS phone or text his dad rather than you doing it all the time? Probably healthier in the long run if they have more of a direct relationship than through you, especially when he does eventually move on and find a new partner. The dynamic will change and you won't be able to be so involved in his life.

Ok, so everyone is missing the point, I text him once on the Friday, sent some pics of DS as we often do on the Saturday, I wasn't and never do bombard him with texts

IT IS HIM THAT IS CONSTANTLY IN CONTACT WITH ME!

He is more than welcome to spend as much time out of contact with me as he wants, but because he usually is in contact I became worried when he wasn't!

It really is that simple! I DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE IN CONTACT 24/7 but have become accustom to him doing so, so therefore when he wasn't I was worried.

If he wants to only speak ones a week, that's fine by me, if he wants to text me 4 times a day and come to me when he is in need which he does, I'm fine with that too, i am definitely no over invested, I hope people can take my word for that?!

Well then crack on.

Clearly any other opinion is unwelcome.

So why were you still worried after you spoke to his mum if she wasn't worried? It doesn't make sense that you would want to escalate it further if his own family weren't worried. Unless you don't trust his mum.

Your words and actions don't match each other. I don't think people are missing the point at all, it just doesn't add up.

Also why post in AIBU if you're not interested in different viewpoints

I think his mother knew where he was, which is why she wasn't worried, it was an hour or so after I rang her that he text, so my guess is she knew where he was and somehow contacted him

Please hear me when I say it is him that contacts me numerous times a day and not vica versa, when he has DS he sends some pics through throughout the day, often texts me asking how I am which I don't always reply, but I only usually contact him once to ask if DS is ok!

No it's not because it's something I don't want to hear, I can honestly hand on heart say it's because I believe people are getting the wrong end of the stick and that is frustrating!

You're being so defensive about it OP. It really isn't normal to have that much contact with your ex and want to keep informed with his whereabouts.

Really this should be a sign that its time to dial it down because one day one of you is going to hook up with someone and this constant contact will stop.

Being peeved he didn't contact you for 3 days is maybe not unreasonable.
Being furious is unreasonable and being so defensive and angry on here is unreasonable.
Yabu

Bambam after I spoke to his mum I did nothing further, I didn't try to contact him again nothing and then an hour or so later he text

I do want different view points, but most people are latching on to parts of the story that aren't important! I wasn't asking if people thought it was ok to speak often with their ex, I was asking if people would be miffed if someone did something out of character which made them worry!

I haven't even touched on the fact that I would never like to be out of contact for 3 days when without my DS and not be contactable if he had an accident, want to speak to me etc!

Oh my god! How many times have I said I do not want to be 'informed of his whereabouts' I also do not expect him to contact me! He just does, and when he didn't suddenly, I was worried!

I give up, I have seen threads like this many times where people miss the point and then gang up on the OPer, the more you try and reiterate what you meant the more people say you are being too defensive or trying too hard!

Don't people understand it's frustrating when people get the wrong end of the stick!

But you are missing the point now. If his mother knew where he was and he was okay then that should have been an end to it. She doesn't have to tell you. The fact that she wasn't worried should have been enough.

It doesn't matter whether he contacts you numerous times, on this occasion he didn't want to. I think you over reacted by wanting to escalate it.

Why can't your son contact his dad directly via text btw? How old is your son?

I find this to be odd. He is entitled to a private life, and time alone without being in constant contact with you.

Your reaction makes it seem like you are over baring, and perhaps he has episodes of going AWOL simply to get away from you.

You're all a bunch of idiots! No one can do any right in this bloody place! I have a very normal life and I'm going to whip my toe very quickly out of this hell hole I stupidly dipped it into!!

Appreciate your time!

"Oh my god! How many times have I said I do not want to be 'informed of his whereabouts' I also do not expect him to contact me! He just does, and when he didn't suddenly, I was worried!"

So you don't expect him to contact you unless he doesn't and then you do but only because he didn't?
You are complaining that he didn't contact you for 3 days.

*Add message | Report | Message poster lemonbon2 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:21:41
You're all a bunch of idiots! No one can do any right in this bloody place! I have a very normal life and I'm going to whip my toe very quickly out of this hell hole I stupidly dipped it into!!

Appreciate your time! confused*

Lol wow, bye then.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse I think she might be over invested.

Charming!

My bet is he's got a new love interest that is possibly more serious than before. His mother knew and didn't want to tell you. He's gone with the 'my phone died' route so he could check out for a while and see how things develop. Typical bloke strategy.

I think you've been used to the status quo of your relationship for so long that anything that shakes that routine is unsettling to you. I do get it. But I think change is coming, which is why I was trying to suggest it's better for your son to have more of a channel of communication with his dad so whatever happens their relationship is good.

Not sure what you actually wanted from this thread

Yanbu. Cause you'd be worried and I think its unexceptable for any decent parent to be completely missing for 3 days I would like to see if a man came on here saying he couldn't contact the mother of his child for a few days if it would be a completely diffrent reaction from most people.

Maybe you should encourage him not to text you every day OP, then that way when he's busy you don't worry so much that you do odd things like call his mum!

I'm with everyone else, I think the level of contact you two have is really, really odd! DP and I have 2 kids, another on the way, and rarely speak at all during the day about them,we certainly don't text 3 times a day with photos.

How old is your son? Surely he's old enough to just give his dad a ring and tell him about his day himself,rather than you having to text and picture message all day?!

You say the arrangement works for you both but clearly it doesn't. If it did work for him he'd still be doing it. The fact he isn't shows that it isn't working for him. And I understand why. Regardless of what you say texts from an ex several times a day where said ex gets alarmed when they don't gear from you for a couple of days is over-invested. I know you say we just don't get it, but we do get it. It just is too much. It would be too much if it was a boyfriend who you didn't live with but it's definitely too much for an ex. And if he didn't think so too, he'd have kept it up.