Wedding one: Absolutely not bridezilla - completely my fault. Arrgh!

[fatmomma99]

I'm in my mid 40s. My Maid of Honour from my wedding is getting married for the first time in July (not through lack of offers I should say, as she's gorgeous!)

I'm sooo happy for my friend. But my friend lives abroad, so I see her never. My DH finds her a bit hippy-dippy (she is a bit. Part of her charm!). My DD has almost NO idea who she is.

My friend is the anti-bridezilla. she is paranoid about fuss, bother, putting people out. But she's also very, very happy and very, very excited. She has emailed me asking 3 times if DD wants to come and offering 'outs' if she doesn't. I have reassured her every time that DD will be there. The meal after is in one of the most expensive restaurants in the place where we live, which isn't cheap anyway because it's a tourist place (and the venue is famous, so add on the £££££s). Guests have not been asked for a penny and bride and groom are paying for us to get there from the church.

I told bride I wouldn't pull child out of school,but she'd join us afterwards.

Wedding it at 2pm in a Catholic church (so, not expecting it to be a short ceremony!).

DDs school finishes at 3.

DD is entered into a competition for an extra-curricular activity which is the most important thing in her life (she talks about it ALL THE TIME). She has been practising for it since September. There are 2 competitions, and she already can't go to 1 of them because we double booked (and paid for a lovely thing for her, which she will adore and is excited about, but is gutted to be missing one of the two competitions).

There is a rehearsal after school on the day of the wedding, very close to the competition which DD doesn't want to miss. If she goes she won't leave school at 3, she'll leave at around 6.

My friend doesn't have much money, but is paying for an expensive meal without a qualm.

My DD doesn't think this is important because she doesn't know this friend very well.

Although my friend hasn't seen DD very often (because she lives abroad) she is VERY interested in her and caring about her.

What should I do? How should I phrase what I do do the people involved?
"sorry, DD, this friend is very important to me, you'll have to miss your rehearsal"?
"bride, I'm sorry, DD has a commitment, can I pay for her meal?"

Also, the wedding will go on til around midnight, and DD will need to eat after her practice (if she goes), and DH and I will be THERE, although DH only there to support me.

Arrrgh! Please help me, MN!

Apologise profusely, make sure the bride is not out of pocket, get her there when you can make sure she changes out of pe kit and arrange another meet up when it is just your family and the bride/groom.

Tbh on the day, the bride will be too busy to spend much time making small talk to a teenager she doesn't know anyway.

gasman

Quite honestly I don't think you are giving her good lessons here about priorities and commitments.

I have a team event that is in a couple of weeks, just under one full team has withdrawn as they now have "family commitments", Whatever I do now several pupils will be left out as I can only put in one team.
The parents and children have known about this event since September, this family commitment cropped up two weeks ago.

I am going to get flak from parents due to parents choosing their commitment over something that has been planned for 9 or 10 months,

Explain to me why I should bother committing my time and effort when it is so under appreciated and can be dropped at a moments notice?

My DDs were v involved in music/choirs when they grew up. It was dinned into them by me and by their teachers that once you made a commitment to an event/rehearsals you stuck to it. The same went for students involved in sports.

Obviously there will always be emergencies and major family events that have to be accommodated but I don't think Mum mistakenly accepting an invitation to the wedding of someone DD hardly knows comes into either category. Particularly as DD has already missed one event due to a double booking.

No.

The lesson being taught here is that you can dump appreciating commitment.

The irony is that the activity that is being prioritized over the wedding has already been downgraded by the daughter so she can go to a music festival.

Sounds a lot like having your cake and eating it.

A reasonable amount of adult life involves doing things you might not want to do as your first choice because other people - partner, employer, friends want you to do them.

I got the impression here that the wedding invitation predated the team /competition schedule?

I take part in annual events. I put them in my diary as the dates are released so I don't make diary fuck ups and when I do the thing I accepted first even if it wouldn't actually be my first choice happens as it isn't fair to mess people about.

the issue here however isn't the competition is is a practice these are often arranged at shortish notice and surely need to accommodate big commitments like a wedding reception.

Good morning Mumnsnet (almost afternoon!)

I feel like singing..... I rang venue (truly great idea - thank you, thank you, thank you)... Meal not til 6:30. So it's not a prob. DD can do rhsl, get changed and STILL eat. MN - you are a genius!!!!!

This thread is very interesting and thank you all so much for bothering to read and give me your thoughts.

Just to respond:
The group did the same competition last year, so DD has known since last September that it will be happening, just not the dates.

The wedding invitation came out in Jan.

DD LOVES the activity she will be competing in. Loves it. She wanted to blow off the music festival once we realized the clash (my fault - I hadn't checked the diary when I said she could go) and I wouldn't let her as the invitation had been accepted, the ticket paid for, and plans had been made. She's thrilled about the music festival but gutted to miss the competition.

I note the comments about not accepting invitations on her behalf. Yes, I'm going to have to start stepping back more, but it's a gradual process, isn't it? This particular wedding is a funny one because I love my friend to pieces and I want DD to understand (and, in a sense honour, iykwim) that, even though we don't often see each other.
I also agree about having a sulky teen at an event. I do think you're all right though - my priorities are not her priorities and her priorities are important to her and I need to take them into account. I think this might lead to things being discussed more as a family in future. I'm going to think about this one and talk about it with DH. My DD is quite a young 14 (although that is slowly now beginning to change and we need to adapt to that). Actually, I'm quite excited about realizing this (and I thought I'd be sad, but I'm not!).

I'm really, really happy I won't have to disappoint my friend!

Thank you all so much, this has been a very interesting thread for me.

p.s. The bride won't give a hoot if DD is there in PE kit!

Plus your friend may only lose a deposit amount for the meal not the whole amount if she gives them some notice.

Why does your daughter need to "honor" your friendships???

Lovely update OP glad it's all working out

"p.s. The bride won't give a hoot if DD is there in PE kit!"

No but your DD may feel decidedly out of place and embarrassed (all part of the "she's growing up" stuff ) as everyone else will be appropriately dressed.and she'll stand out like a sore thumb and may feel humiliated.

Plus if any photos are taken she'll look bloody stupid or attention seeking. The bride may not mind but other members of the wedding party might prefer the photos not to look odd with someone who looks like they dropped in on the way to the gym. How difficult can it be to arrange a change of clothes for her ?

Glad it's all worked out well for everyone.

OP has already said her daughter will change before coming to the venue. I think she was just illustrating how laid back the bride is 😀

Glad you got it sorted, OP

Glad it has worked out OP. If I were you, I would be tempted to tell the bride that DD will be going to the rehearsal & then coming to the dinner.

It's her wedding day.. I think you are overthinking it. She'll be way too swept up in her day to notice your daughter is not there.
And she sounds a sweetheart.
Just be honest, say what you said in original post.
People cancel all the time. If you offer to pay for the meal that's fairdos.
(She can probably fill the place at this point, not too late)

Send your daughter off gor a sleepover with one of her rehearsal mates and you go have a ball with your mate and DH

(Ignore me, just seen it is sorted.. hooray!

Wedding in Catholic Church can only be 15mins or 90mins depending on what they chose. Bride might be half hour late. That's already four pm. Then they'll be photos. Why not find out what time the meal is planned for? I doubt it will be before six. I had the 30min version, supposed to be at noon but not until 1220. Sit down meal was booked for 3pm to allow for delays and photos. It might mean popping out to pick up your DD and then eating at the restaurant altogether.Your DH can then take DD home at appropriate time, with you staying on if necessary...

Bit bizarre that you presumed the meal would be so early - even 6.30 sounds early. Btw I went to a catholic wedding at 3 and we didn't eat until 9.30pm!!