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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding one: Absolutely not bridezilla - completely my fault. Arrgh!

71 replies

fatmomma99 · 12/06/2016 00:37

I'm in my mid 40s. My Maid of Honour from my wedding is getting married for the first time in July (not through lack of offers I should say, as she's gorgeous!)

I'm sooo happy for my friend. But my friend lives abroad, so I see her never. My DH finds her a bit hippy-dippy (she is a bit. Part of her charm!). My DD has almost NO idea who she is.

My friend is the anti-bridezilla. she is paranoid about fuss, bother, putting people out. But she's also very, very happy and very, very excited. She has emailed me asking 3 times if DD wants to come and offering 'outs' if she doesn't. I have reassured her every time that DD will be there. The meal after is in one of the most expensive restaurants in the place where we live, which isn't cheap anyway because it's a tourist place (and the venue is famous, so add on the £££££s). Guests have not been asked for a penny and bride and groom are paying for us to get there from the church.

I told bride I wouldn't pull child out of school,but she'd join us afterwards.

Wedding it at 2pm in a Catholic church (so, not expecting it to be a short ceremony!).

DDs school finishes at 3.

DD is entered into a competition for an extra-curricular activity which is the most important thing in her life (she talks about it ALL THE TIME). She has been practising for it since September. There are 2 competitions, and she already can't go to 1 of them because we double booked (and paid for a lovely thing for her, which she will adore and is excited about, but is gutted to be missing one of the two competitions).

There is a rehearsal after school on the day of the wedding, very close to the competition which DD doesn't want to miss. If she goes she won't leave school at 3, she'll leave at around 6.

My friend doesn't have much money, but is paying for an expensive meal without a qualm.

My DD doesn't think this is important because she doesn't know this friend very well.

Although my friend hasn't seen DD very often (because she lives abroad) she is VERY interested in her and caring about her.

What should I do? How should I phrase what I do do the people involved?
"sorry, DD, this friend is very important to me, you'll have to miss your rehearsal"?
"bride, I'm sorry, DD has a commitment, can I pay for her meal?"

Also, the wedding will go on til around midnight, and DD will need to eat after her practice (if she goes), and DH and I will be THERE, although DH only there to support me.

Arrrgh! Please help me, MN!

OP posts:
Karoleann · 12/06/2016 08:53

I think your DD should go to the wedding, you've confirmed three times that she's going and its only a rehearsal, not the actual comp.

sofato5miles · 12/06/2016 08:55

Take clothes for her to change into! She can't be in her PE kit. Shock

starry0ne · 12/06/2016 09:00

I also agree..Find out time of meal cut training short..This isn't the competition....She will miss the acutal competition for something better but not training...Seems like she does exactly what is of interest to her.

Jaynebxl · 12/06/2016 09:02

Sounds like you've got a solution which works.
I do think though, that while your friend may wish to feel she is part of all your lives she clearly isn't as your dd doesn't know her. Dd being at the wedding meal won't really change that as it isn't like they will both spend all evening sitting chatting together. So maybe she and you need to work out some other way for her to connect.

Lighteningirll · 12/06/2016 09:09

I'm sorry but you've confirmed three times that's she's going I really think she needs to go

Bolograph · 12/06/2016 09:23

I'm sorry but you've confirmed three times that's she's going I really think she needs to go

Telling a 14 year old that something she want to do is valueless when compared to being dragged along to a meal hosted by someone she's essentially never met really is valuing and support your child's efforts, isn't?

"Why have you give up X?" "Because it's a waste of time: you think it's less important than dinner with your friend whom I've never met, so why bother?"

14 year olds aren't dolls to be shown off to your friends. The OP is quite right to see this as a dilemma, and had come to what sounds like a sensible compromise.

Pearlman · 12/06/2016 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalthazarImpresario · 12/06/2016 09:30

Just tell friend dd will be there after 6? If she's a you describe her she will want your dd to have her practise for the competition.

I think you've got a bit flustered by this and it's easily resolved.

Peasandsweetcorn · 12/06/2016 09:36

As you know which restaurant it is, can you call them, find out the time of the meal & if final numbers have been confirmed? That way, you'll know if your solution will work AND you'll also know if your friend will lose out if your DD isn't there.
Having said that, I think it would be very rude of your DD not to attend.

blindsider · 12/06/2016 09:37

I am with Lighteningirl on this one - you have emphatically and clearly stated DD will be there so she must be. This is a life lesson that once invitations are accepted it is barring an emergency a lock in , and not dependant on a more appealing offer coming along after. If your DD is willing to miss this thing for a festival it isn't the Be all and end end all....

Bolograph · 12/06/2016 09:38

The invitation has been accepted, several times over.

By the parent. Not by the child.

the importance of sometimes doing things you would prefer not to do

And then we wonder why people have trouble with overbearing relatives that they don't feel about to stand up to.

Pearlman · 12/06/2016 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderwithBuda · 12/06/2016 09:40

I'm sure your friend won't need to confirm and pay for the meals yet so I would tell her now that your DD can't come. My DS is 14 and I wouldn't make him go to a wedding of someone he doesn't know and where he would only know me and DH. He would be bored and grumpy and I would feel grumpy because of it.

I get that your friend would love your DD to be there but unfortunately due to your friend living abroad your DD doesn't know her. Nobody's fault just the way it is.

blindsider · 12/06/2016 09:42

bolograph

It is a family event and at 14 the parents don't need to run it past the child!! That sort of attitude is why we now have a generation of kids that think they can do whatever they like whenever thay like just because that is what they want to do.

Bolograph · 12/06/2016 09:43

When our kids grow up they can make their own choices

At 14, they can make their own choices. Forcing people along to the parents' social events (this has nothing for the OP's daughter other than being a doll to be shown off) is simply using coercive power to prove a point. The idea that children should be expect to do things they don't want to do, and which don't benefit them, to "be polite" or "keep autie X happy" is precisely how we then get extensive threads in Relationships about overbearing relatives demanding to visit newborns for six hours and the poster doesn't feel able to say so.

Pearlman · 12/06/2016 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/06/2016 10:03

Pearlman

I would be telling my DD, "Sorry, you have a commitment."

Yes the DD has a commitment to the rehearsal, the OP has a commitment to her friends.

You shouldn't say something that contradicts itself.

Pearlman · 12/06/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakeoffcake · 12/06/2016 10:09

As others have said you've told your friend 3 times that your DD will be at her wedding.

Changing plans after that would be extremely rude!

If your dd really wants to go to the rehearsal for her hobby she should miss the music festival rather than a wedding where the invite has been accepted.

bakeoffcake · 12/06/2016 10:11

"The invitation has been accepted, several times over.

By the parent. Not by the child"

It doesn't matter who accepted the invite, the invite has been accepted.

TheCatWhat · 12/06/2016 10:50

I can't comprehend those saying that the dd should go if that invitation was accepted first. Because otherwise it would be rude. Surely life is too short to always be polite. If OP works things through with her dd based on the solutions suggested here, it will be a great way to learn what happens in real life.

gasman · 12/06/2016 10:50

I'm slightly gobsmacked that so many of you think it is Ok to sack off the wedding invite (which was clearly acceptd multiple times) when the DD is not going to one of the competitions (that are oh-so important) to go to a musical festival.

Quite honestly I don't think you are giving her good lessons here about priorities and commitments.

Bolograph · 12/06/2016 10:50

t doesn't matter who accepted the invite, the invite has been accepted.

"My husband has accepted an invitation to a pissup with his mate and has said I am going and taking our children. , I want to stay at home with my daughters Aibu to say that he can't just order us about?"

Instant ltb thread.

Bolograph · 12/06/2016 10:51

Quite honestly I don't think you are giving her good lessons here

Lessons in people pleasing. Nice.

trafalgargal · 12/06/2016 11:24

Ultimately life happens

Your DD isn't close to your friend -if she had proper godmother/auntie status and they knew each other well it would be more difficult but in fourteen years your friend has rarely seen your daughter and a few words exchanged at a wedding isn't going to instantly change that.

Arrange something before the wedding for the three of you to get together and spend quality time together instead and once you've worked out the logistics by speaking to the venue direct and getting the timings present the bride with your revised plan for your DD. DD should NOT turn up in her PE kit however - that's just rude -she needs to change at school first and get a cab.

Your friend sounds lovely and I'm sure so long as she gets to see your DD she'll be fine but I certainly wouldn't inflict a sulking teen on her wedding- that WOULD be inconsiderate and unfair on your friend. It's not her fault (or your daughter's that you accepted for your daughter without ensuring she was free first.

The lesson your daughter will learn is that you can't please all of the people all of the time - and sometimes you need to find compromises .

Find the solution first and then put it to the bride -and she'll probably be glad it's something she doesn't have to worry about as you've sorted it for her. She'll have plenty of other things she has to sort out herself .