to assume DH would have cancelled this?

[ElodieS]

Disclaimer: I'm tired, stressed and hormonal so there's every chance AIBU!

DTs (4) have CF, and although they're both generally pretty well, DT1 has been in hospital the last week with a chest infection getting IV antibiotics. Because of the risk of infection, DTs can't have contact with each other when one is ill. My work are very good about it when DTs need hospital admission so I usually stay with whoever is in hospital and DH modifies his hours to look after the other twin and do nursery pick up and drop off etc (we usually do one each).

DH was supposed to be going to a stag do tomorrow and I just assumed he'd have cancelled so one of us could be in hospital with DT1 and other with DT2. He hang cancelled at all and has instead arranged for DT2 to spend the whole day and night with some family friends.

I think this is really irresponsible and inconsiderate! I've barely seen DT2 all week so was hoping we could swap and also recognise that both DTs might be needing some extra support from their parents as they've been missing each other lots.

Weigh in, should I just drop this, or am I right?!

nocoolnamesleft and putonahappyface, you put it exactly right - it's just hard to balance, not crazy, on the edge of despair manic, but tricky and stressful.

Our family aren't very local and we'd be calling on them a lot if we asked them to help out every time we had childcare issues... I'm anticipating more of that with DC3 so trying not to use up all my credit iyswim!

To be fair, DH will be able to sort out meds and physio between him and our friends before the stag as it starts at lunch time. He isn't inconsiderate or disorganised, we just have a lot on and disagreed on approach this time.

I had a good chat with DM and a bit of a cry and a shout, which I think I needed. She's going to come down (it's a good couple of hours for her but she's lovely!) tomorrow afternoon to be with DT1 so I can take DT2 out and then drop her back with friends for the eve and night.

Thanks so much for all the lovely support!

OP, you are a lovely mum. Fact.

Hope things get easier.

MrsJayy yes, of the husband. Or perhaps of their own husbands if this is what they'd consider acceptable behaviour.

TBH, if you don't know what cystic fibrosis is, you don't really know enough to comment. It's not about having low expectations (anyone who knows me on here knows I'm a rabid feminist!), but it's about managing CF.

The reality is that the OP's twins are probably going to be in hospital 4 or 5 times a year each. Every single year. It's not the same as 'being in hospital' for most children. When you have CF, you can't fight off most coughs and colds, meaning you need big fuck off antibiotics to deal with them. It's scary at first but then it just becomes pretty mundane because it's such a regular occurrence. It's not a life threatening drama, it's just a fact of life. When the OP's children are older, they might not even have to be admitted or may be allowed out in the daytime if they live close enough.

Cystic fibrosis is a lifelong condition - personally, I don't think it's healthy to allow it to dictate the family's whole life. It's really important - and especially for the OP's new DC - that the family doesn't catastrophise the regular hospital admittances.

I'm not saying the OP's DH has behaved well but I think he's just done that thing of seeing a problem (OP isn't available to look after DC) and has sorted it.

Again, I'm really not downplaying (I hope) the way that you feel Elodie. I know how shit lonely and dull it is to be stuck in hospital.

I know what CF is and how regular hospital IVs can be.

Twins with CF does complicate things a lot.

The DH has had the easier week and then arranged things so that he would have a weekend off while his wife continued to do the hospital shifts.

She had barely seen her 4 year old child all week, and he just arranged for that kid to be looked after by friends all day.

It was not cool to make an arrangement like that without a conversation.

YANBU

Regardless of how usual it is for you, you have a child in hospital. This isn't a urgent situation where DH has to be elsewhere, he has chosen to go and party and leave you and DT to it.

I would go fucking mental.

See to me the issue is that there is a child in hospital but that there is a 4 year old who hasn't seen her motger all week and is now being packed off to family friends so her Dad can go on the piss.

Glad you found a solution Elodie

A good stomp needs to be had about looking out for each other, but maybe after the stag do. Hopefully it will re-charge him (hangover or not!) and help him to see your side a bit better. It's so easy for the adults in a family to become so bogged down in their own part of a family with kids with high care needs that they lose sight of the whole family unit. Which does include both of you. The family friends might actually turn out to be valuable allies in giving either of you a little respite, when times are hard.

Thank you wise MN-ers! There definitely needs to be a conversation (probably many!) about looking out for each other at some point but for now I'm just pleased MN and DM kept my sanity and tomorrow will be fine.

If any mums of kids with CF want to connect, do DM me. We're only muddling through but happy to share stories and mutual support.

Thanks all so much!

Ex

So should all plans be cancelled if one of Elodie's kids is in hospital? Family party? Day out at the zoo? Wedding? 40th birthday lunch?

There will always be something that clashes with Elodie's children being in hospital. Always. And if you cancel every plan then you will hate CF even more than you already do. And honestly, you really don't want to go there.

And I am not for one minute saying that her DH has behaved well. His crime though is not communicating rather than wanting to go to a stag do.

I completely agree Lynda! I do feel a bit justified in being grumpy about it but is right that DH is going on the stag do. We just need to talk more next time I guess. Thanks so much for your support!

and to you Elodie. It's bloody tough

Why do you think I don't know what CF is, Lynda? It wasn't me who asked. My son has a condition which has required several hospitalisations which were largely routine, and I know DP wouldn't dream of leaving me to it without support.

I wasn't directing my comment at you especially Starling but just that, in my experience, if you cancel long arranged plans that can be accommodated with a bit of juggling, then the resentment for CF becomes ever greater and I'm not sure that's always helpful in the long run.

YANBU at all, my DS1 is in hospital (also cf having ivs) I'd go ape shit if DP decided to still go away for whatever reason.

Just because it's routine, it doesn't mean it's not exhausting, soul sucking, draining and lonely. I say that as someone who's been doing 2 weeks every 3 months for 9 years.

But forgive me for being ratty, it's coming up to the half way point and I'm on my knees with exhaustion and knowing I still have a week left is making me want to sob.

I think YANBU - as someone else said, hospital time is going to be a regular thing for DC; it's not always life-threatening, and it's important for the rest of the family to actually have some leisure time and some fun. If there is a family member with a chronic, longterm condition then it's unfortunately very easy for the rest of the family to find their lives revolving indefinitely around the ill one, particularly if there is another family member with a martyr mindset - "How can you possibly think about anything like FUN when [person] is going to be ill forever?" This is not a good approach as it leads to resentment and unhappiness all round.

Your H has arranged perfectly suitable childcare. He wants some time off. Now what you need to do is arrange some childcare and a night off for you in the near future.

The husband prioritised a piss up over a shattered and pregnant wife. Regardless of the reason a child is in hospital that makes him a bit of a thoughtless knobhead.

Sorry you're in this situation. YANBU but I don't think your husband is either. He would be if he was going without organising childcare and/or was useless generally but that's not the case here.

I think he should have discussed it with you first so make sure you let him know that you're not delighted. i'm sure he will enjoy the break and hopefully soon you can have similar.
Hope your dt1 is home soon.