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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend has fallen out with me because we had a difference in opinion over Wills...!

68 replies

Katyloo77 · 10/06/2016 17:02

I have a friend whom is always on about her husbands parents will. I have sat and listened (too many times...) anyway yesterday she asked me what I thought. She can't stand his parents, and they have told her that if anything happened to their son, her husband the money would go to the children. My friend has a real issue with this and thinks it is totally wrong and feels not accepted by his parents! Anyway I said I thought she was been unreasonable and it is their money to do what they want with. I also asked why she was so bothered...as when the money comes his way they can share it anyway. She said but if something happens to him they should give to her ...not the kids. I said I don't think the parents are wrong and questioned why she would think the money would come her way if he was no longer around. Is it me that thinks this is wrong ? I left the house and she was in tears saying I thought you understood and were my friend!!! Confused....!

OP posts:

MrsLindor · 10/06/2016 18:24

My exPIL have left my DD her father's share of their will, cutting him out, to ensure it passes down the line, it's fairly standard for people to want to keep their money in the family, by which they usually mean their blood line.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2016 18:26

IME, teenagers recieving relatively smaller lump sums (under £10k) are more likely to blow it than the big pay outs (like £250k) that are easier to teach are for set things (university, a house etc) - or rather, if it's a big enough sum for a house/investment, it's easier to convince them to invest it/buy a property as soon as they recieve it, rather than "put to one side, maybe use it for a deposit some day" sum, that's harder to get them to do anything sensible with to tie it up quickly!

Mind you, there's a lot of "what ifs" before this is an issue, the OP's friend's DH has to die when his DCs are still under 18, followed by both of his parents, that's quite a lot to happen in a relatively short time frame given that everyone is well now. If the PILs go first (which is more likely) then the friend will still get the money.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 10/06/2016 18:28

I've always assumed that the normal thing is kids then grandkids.

My parents get on well with their sons/daughters in law. But their will leaves everything split equally between me and my siblings, and if they were to outlive me, for example, they've written into the will that my share of any inheritance would go to any surviving children I had. No mention of sons/daughters in law anywhere in the will.

No idea what PILs will is like or even if they have one, but I'd assume it to be similar to the one my parents have - leaving their assets to their children, or grandchildren. I'd certainly be very surprised if I were to be named in PILs will.

dillydotty · 10/06/2016 18:31

I used to write Wills. It is rare to do anything but leave it to the grandkids. You have to really trust the Dil not to remarry/have more kids/waste the money /invest unwisely if you are going to leave your grandkids inheritance to them.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:50

I see that it's standard, but it still doesn't seem right to me that it's not given to the children's primary carer if it's to truely benefit them.

A SIL/DIL may re-marry, but their children will still be their children, and if the related parent is dead then chances are the children will live 100% with the DIL/SIL, if it was my money I would want it to help them

If someone is alive, and they try to give your child an extravagant an in your opinion unsuitable gift, you can refuse it as their parent, but you can't refuse trust funds.

I dunno, I just don't think knowing that there's a trust fund there for doing nowt is the best start in life, I think having a good stable comfortable upbringing is

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 10/06/2016 18:55

There are all too many cases of a widow/er remarrying, and when they die themselves leaving everything to their new spouse, who then fails to make any provision for their stepchildren. The easiest way for the GPs to prevent this nightmare scenario is to leave the money in trust for the GC, until an appropriate age, while giving their trustees the ability to draw on the funds for education/housing etc.

AyeAmarok · 10/06/2016 18:55

She's being ridiculous. Her grabbiness is clouding her judgement.

Of course it would go to the grandchildren -in trust until they're 25.

budgiegirl · 10/06/2016 19:06

I love my in-laws dearly, we are very close. I'd always assumed that they would leave their estate to their grandchildren in the event that my DH predeceases them, I thought this was the normal way to do things.

I was surprised, and somewhat shocked, to discover that their wills actually stated that in event of my DH predeceasing them, I would be the sole beneficiary of their estate (other than a small lump sum to the GC)

I did question this with them, and they told me that they trusted me to do the right thing with the money. I have to say, it did make me feel very loved, not so much the money, but the fact that they trust me with it.

That said, I think that your friend is VU. It's not the normal thing to do, and i'm quite surprised that she's even thought about it.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 10/06/2016 19:19

I'm with the PIL on this one. Its normal.

I wouldn't expect to get anything from my Mil, and didn't get anything from Fil when the passed. Inheritance went straight to Dh, and if he's gone when Mil passes then anything coming skips straight to Dd.

But Dh and I have very carefully planned wills such that if our family unit die all at once, his inheritance from fil heads back to his siblings as does his half of our assets (as otherwise the rules would end up with my dad getting it, cutting his family out entirely). It wouldn't be proper for accidents of chance and probate to mean Dhs family ended up with nothing of what Fil created.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 19:22

I see the logic, but as the parent in the middle I still worry about the impact of a trust fund, and I can't imagine myself ever getting re-married to a step parent without making sure that my exisiting kids weren't disadvantaged.

It's up to people what they do or don't spend their money on, but when people are chosing to will their money in such a way that it'll impact my family and create new parenting issues for me, I can be unhappy about it!

I hope my kids are in a good place in their lives/relationships when they get it, and I hope that I can step up to preparing them well for it.
But after a life of not having many luxuries (we're fine, but a v low income family, all essentials paid) that it'll be hard for them to not go a bit crazy if they suddenly have the means to do things that their family at home could never do.

I8toys · 10/06/2016 19:32

What a horrible thing to have a discussion about and with someone who is non-family. Not even discussed with my husband as its his parents fgs who he loves.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 19:42

why not l8toys?
If they die you'll be the one supporting him.
Even if it's just practical reasons like knowing its okay to dip into your joint savings to contribute to funeral costs because it'll come back to you after probate (or not)
If you're in a marraige why wouldn't you have conversations about finance?

I8toys · 10/06/2016 19:50

About him dying and his parents money? We talk about our finances and no-one else's.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 10/06/2016 19:51

You are quite right but it was wrong to express your opinion. Yes she is being unreasonable but you shouldn't get involved. Ask if you can change the subject and talk of something else once you have expressed deep sympathy and the hope that the set of circumstances she fears won't come about.

YouOKHun · 10/06/2016 19:54

She canvassed your opinion and then didn't like the answer. She sounds a bit greedy tbh and the scenario she describes is quite a common way to organise a will. People abandon all reason when a bundle of someone else's cash is within reach. You're definitely NBU.

blueeyedpea · 10/06/2016 20:14

Maybe the issue is more that they have "told her" this information. It could have been quite upsetting depending on how and why the message was delivered

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 20:19

Maybe the issue is more that they have "told her" this information. It could have been quite upsetting depending on how and why the message was delivered

Could be, she could have been informed by them in a nasty or goadey way.

newdocket · 10/06/2016 20:19

I think it's completely reasonable for the parents to leave it to the grandchildren and not to her. My mum really gets on with my DH but in the event of my demise her money will go to my kids and not to my DH. I think this is fairly standard.

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