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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend has fallen out with me because we had a difference in opinion over Wills...!

68 replies

Katyloo77 · 10/06/2016 17:02

I have a friend whom is always on about her husbands parents will. I have sat and listened (too many times...) anyway yesterday she asked me what I thought. She can't stand his parents, and they have told her that if anything happened to their son, her husband the money would go to the children. My friend has a real issue with this and thinks it is totally wrong and feels not accepted by his parents! Anyway I said I thought she was been unreasonable and it is their money to do what they want with. I also asked why she was so bothered...as when the money comes his way they can share it anyway. She said but if something happens to him they should give to her ...not the kids. I said I don't think the parents are wrong and questioned why she would think the money would come her way if he was no longer around. Is it me that thinks this is wrong ? I left the house and she was in tears saying I thought you understood and were my friend!!! Confused....!

OP posts:

Musicaltheatremum · 10/06/2016 17:44

When my husband died I inherited his money. My mother in law now divides her money between my husband's brother and my children not me. I wouldn't expect it.

GoBigOrange · 10/06/2016 17:44

She's being weird, entitled and unreasonable.

My mum absolutely adores my DH, and thinks he is brilliant. But her will leaves her money 50/50 to me and to my son, and if I die before she does then my son inherits the lot. DH doesn't get anything. And wouldn't expect to get anything!

I have no idea what my PILs are doing with their wills (they've got about a bazillion relatives and oodles of property so probably complicated stuff) but I wouldn't expect to get anything from them either, no matter how much I like them and they like me.

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 10/06/2016 17:45

It is a bit odd that they felt the need to tell her she would not be inheriting. Maybe they are going on about it too? Who knows. The only thing that would concern me about it being left to the gdcs is that I would want to use any money available to make a more comfortable childhood, not just for them to get it at 18 or whatever. But perhaps if money is in trust you can still use some of it for a house or schools?

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2016 17:46

I might have pointed out that this is normal - my parent's will is similar, the money goes to my DCs as my DH is only my parents' relation because he's married to me, if he stops being married to me (because of divorce or my death), he stops being part of my parents' family, their grandchildren would remain part of their family regardless.

(And at least on my side we'd get some of the money, if my DB dies before my parents, as he has no DCs, all my parents' money would come to me, not DB's DP.)

Lordamighty · 10/06/2016 17:47

I am sure that she would be delighted if, in similar circumstances, her parents did the same. She sounds awful and you did her a big favour by telling her the truth.

Trojanhorsebox · 10/06/2016 17:50

Why is this an issue that she keeps going on about anyway? Unless her husband is sick, surely the in laws are statistically likely to predecease him and this scenario will never arise. The fact the in laws told her this, if her husband is not sick, is just a marker of the poor relationship between them rather than of anything likely to happen.

If he is sick, he needs to sort his own will out to ensure his wife and kids are provided for. Money from in laws to grandchildren in that case sounds reasonable - for university etc.

People in AIBU are always told not to count on an inheritance from their own parents, never mind their in laws if their spouse dies. It's the in laws estate to divide as they see fit, it's no one else's right to expect it - I hope they blow it all in Vegas, she'd have something to say about that no doubt.

If she raises it again, don't get tricked into commenting. A vague "hmmmmmn" and changing the subject maybe!

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2016 17:51

TooLazy - my parents have sent me and my DB each a copy of their will so we all know where we stand. DH hasn't been bothered to read it, but it's sat in our filing cabinet, and I've told him what it includes.

That said, as there's history of dementia on both sides, i'm not assuming we'll actually get anything rather than it going on home fees. I do think it's a bit odd these days that anyone expects an inheritance.

hmcAsWas · 10/06/2016 17:52

Uggh it makes me cringe to think that future daughter or sons in law will be gleefully anticipating our demise (which is probable since we are worth a bit)

She sounds very grasping

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 17:52

I get her point, I have a rellie leaving money to my kids via true, skipping me.
IMO it's a TERRIBLE idea to give lump sums of money to 18 year olds.
I am the one who will have to prepare 17 year olds to not do themselves damage with a lump sum at 18, I am the one who will have to pick up the pieces if they get over generous and their "new friends" disappear when the money does.

Im not saying all 18 year olds aren't sensible with money, but a lump sum that young is not IMO a good idea.

If the money went to me, I would (as I do with my own money) spend it all on them anyway, but on things that'll set them up for life: extracurricular activities etc.

it's not that I want money for me

It's that I would rather the kids got no money, than got a lump sum at probably the worst age to have a lump sum of money for nothing

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 17:53

via trust

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 10/06/2016 17:55

My ILs made out 'mirror wills' as of course they expected to pre-decease both their boys. Horribly, my DH passed away - normally what would be expected to happen is that my BIL would then get both shares. My DH wrote to his mum asking her that as he wasn't expected to last much longer and that as I wasn't very well provided for would she mind adding a codicil to her will? (To treat me as an equal.)

She was thankfully delighted to do so and even BIL agreed as anything could happen to him. You never know what's round the corner - both BIL and myself had the same type of cancer last year - absolutely bloody astonishing, both of us thankfully in remission.

It seems silly for your friend to fall out with you over a difference of opinion. No-one wants to be mercenary but money can be a comfort in old age.

StrictlyMumDancing · 10/06/2016 17:56

I had a friend with similar views over what should have been put in her own family wills. I say had because she is no longer a friend, one reason being given that I didn't support her like a real friend over these issues (FWIW I told her 'their money, their choice'). My own family have had massive falling outs over what they all felt they were entitled to so I've largely formed the opinion that I'll be grateful if someone just remembers me in their wills but I expect nothing - even from my DPs.

In fact if my DPs said that they would pass any share meant for me to DH rather than our DCs I'd be very . I'd probably do something similar if my ILs decided to leave me their money too.

Ratbagcatbag · 10/06/2016 17:58

I love my mil, she's fab. Her and fil (when alive) were very clear, they had advice that recommended that to save them changing wills they should make no reference to dil (or sil) by name. If they didn't change it even in the event of their children splitting up then people with no or limited connections to the family could potentially get an inheritance. As such for the past eleventy billion years in laws will refs my dh and his sis only. And in the event of them passing before mil then dhs part goes to my DSS and dd. I genuinely don't care. Our will is written exactly the same. I say this as someone who loves her mil, it makes sense to me.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:01

She will presumably remain the PILs GCs main carer if their son dies, and as such would be in the best position to spend money in the best way to benefit the kids family life if it was left to her.

I kinda feel that by the time the kids are adults it's a bit late, if their carers have money when their growing up to give them good oportunities and experiences then that'll set them up way better than a lump sum at 18 after potentially living in a financially struggling one income post bereavement family

Trojanhorsebox · 10/06/2016 18:02

good points ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism , obviously 18 year olds will differ in how they've been raised to view money and how impulsive or sensible they are. I don't think it necessarily all has to be given at 18 though. I think we named a trustee till 21y in our wills and staggered payments after that, not one lump sum. It depends on the size of the estate, age of the kids as to what's appropriate. I would be thinking of them being able to go to university - costs are higher where we are than in the UK, but one wouldn't want them to be struggling and missing out on things before that age.

mateysmum · 10/06/2016 18:04

Your friend is being VU. What her PIL are planning is completely standard and I wonder why your friend is so upset about this. The clue is in her feeling that she is not accepted by his parents and for some reason she has settled on the will as evidence of this. There is more of a back story here than she is letting on.

It's pretty obvious why the money would go to their grandchildren not the DIL. She could remarry and the money go away from their "line" to a future husband or children. She should be pleased that her children might benefit but equally hopeful that it might never happen as her DH should outlive his parents.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:04

If they didn't change it even in the event of their children splitting up then people with no or limited connections to the family could potentially get an inheritance

Doesn't that only apply if the SIL or DIL are not the grandchildrens' parent?
If they are the GCs parent then how do they have "no or limited connections to the family"? especially if they're struggling to raise said GCs post bereavement

werealljustpassengerstonight · 10/06/2016 18:05

The norm is kids then grandkids. I've never seen an in law written into a will and I worked in financial services for 10 years.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:07

She should be pleased that her children might benefit

it's just that IMO I think if it's going to benefit the children, it should be available to whoever is raising them to use it to benefit whenever it's really needed, not when someone who is deceased and doesn't know what's happening pre-decided they should have it.

I really truely would rather they weren't getting anything as I think trust till young adult then lump sum has more potential for harm than good

It's absolutely not that I want money to spend on myself. I'm their mum and I really really worry about how to prepare them for a lump sum after a life of struggling

mateysmum · 10/06/2016 18:08

screenshotting there is often a clause to say the chiildren's inheritance can be spent on things like their education before they inherit fully.

My DS inherited money from my DM at 18, but although technically it is in his name, he knows that he cannot just go out and blow it. It is there for something like a house deposit or a sensible car when he needs one. As a parent - even of an "adult" we will advise him and invest it till he needs it. Fortunately he's pretty sensible.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:10

obviously 18 year olds will differ in how they've been raised to view money and how impulsive or sensible they are.

Yes, and the person who wrote the will isn't the one who'll have to put in the leg work and the worry trying to prepare them for a lump payout, I will
The person who wrote the will won't be the one trying to mitigate against things if the particular age they picked happened to be the time that their peer group/friendship group isn't a great one. I will.

So with that in mind, I think I have a right to have an opinion on what they've decided is going to happen to my children

Goingtobeawesome · 10/06/2016 18:12

So she doesn't like them but wants their money. Classy.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 18:12

screenshotting there is often a clause to say the chiildren's inheritance can be spent on things like their education before they inherit fully.

In my case, a 3rd party (other relative), and not me and the children's father, is do decide, based on the will writers preferences, what can be released early and for why, and it's not necessarily on things that are right for my children.

It's all very unpleasant TBH

(think ballet lessons for a tom boy girl who prefers football type of thing)

RaeSkywalker · 10/06/2016 18:13

My parents talked to us about their wills a couple of years ago.

Their assets will go 50/50 to me and my brother, and if we predecease them, it will go to our DC. If the DC are under a certain age (I can't remember if it's 18 or 21) it would be held in trust. DH and I have done exactly the same in our wills.

MIL and FIL took massive offence when her parents died and left nothing to FIL. But there were deep rooted ishoos there. I think that money going to children, then grandchildren is a fairly standard provision in wills.

AugustaFinkNottle · 10/06/2016 18:20

Ask her to think about it in relation to her children. When they're grown up and if they're married and have children, and then died, would she prefer to leave her money to their wife or husband, or to her grandchildren?

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