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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want a stranger in our home while we are on holiday?

93 replies

AugustRose · 09/06/2016 21:04

We live rurally in a farmhouse and have a long term friend who lives in the city. He comes to stay with us several times a year and in the past he has stayed in the house while were away.

Last time we found out that his daughter had come to stay for a few days, that's fine as we know her but we only found out because DD1 discovered a sock in her bed that wasn't hers. On that occasion he also invited his sister, although I think that was just for the day. We also remember one other occasion from the time before that he had a previous girlfriend stay without us knowing beforehand.

We are going on holiday soon but this time DS1 (19) is staying behind, he will be at work. Despite this we asked if our friend would like to come as he has a thesis to write and we thought the quiet would help. DS is OK with this as he knows him well.

However, the friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend. He hadn't mentioned this on the phone to DH but 'confirmed' her visit in an e-mail yesterday. Now, we have never met this girlfriend who he has only known a couple of months, and don't think it would be fair on DS to have someone in the house that he doesn't know, especially as he may be at work when she arrives, so we said no. The friend has taken a big huff with us as he 'cannot be away from her for a whole week' and is surprised by our reaction.

Our reaction is simply that no, not on this occasion but she is welcome to come and visit when we get home. We are more bothered that he told her she could come without even asking us first but he thinks we are the ones being unreasonable.

OP posts:
CactusTeeth · 10/06/2016 07:22

I'm with you in this one. You're not a bloody holiday let, it's your house. He knows he was being cheeky before otherwise he would have asked in advance, this time he's asked and doesn't like the answer, tough.
Yanbu

Hissy · 10/06/2016 07:50

If he brings this gf to the house, that PhD won't get a look in...

He'll be distracted morning noon and night

Say no. Mean it and have a word about you giving an inch and him taking the piss a mile.

End this offer today. Yanbu

AugustaFinkNottle · 10/06/2016 07:53

Is the friend an unpaid animal keeper?

If so, YABU.

Where the hell do you get that from, Iknownuffink? (apt nickname, BTW). There's no mention of animals. And even if there were, OP's son is there to look after it/them.

Smartiepants79 · 10/06/2016 07:54

I think if he had asked properly ( and in the past) I would say yes. Set down some conditions for when he stays when you're not there like changeing the beds etc.
But he didn't ask did he? He is treating it as a free holiday let not your home. It's a bit unkind perhaps to say she can't come BUT it's your home and you can invite who you like. ... Except you didn't invite her......
If he's a very good friend talk it through with him.

Keely93 · 10/06/2016 09:10

YANBU!

MaybeDoctor · 10/06/2016 09:29

I think you have clearly been quite generous to this friend in the past and now he is beginning to take the piss.

It is not unreasonable to want to meet someone who is going to stay in your house when you are not there!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/06/2016 09:57

YANBU.

I understand him having his daughter there and why you wouldn't mind that. (But he should've stripped the bed, that was rude)

Or even day guests popping in for a cuppa if he was on holiday last time.

But a girlfriend of a few weeks, that you haven't met, staying for a week. It's not on.

Mainly for your DS. Can't he see how awkward that could be for him?

And not being able to leave the GF for a week...ugh. Please. Get a grip.

SaucyJack · 10/06/2016 10:03

"And not being able to leave the GF for a week...ugh. Please. Get a grip."

Why should he get a grip?

The OP offered him the use of her house if he wanted peace and quiet to study.

He'd rather stay at home with his bird. What's the issue?

She doesn't need him there to house-sit, and he doesn't want to stay on his own.

What's to be gained for any of them if he "gets a grip" and goes to stay anyway?

Drbint · 10/06/2016 10:10

However, the friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend. He hadn't mentioned this on the phone to DH but 'confirmed' her visit in an e-mail yesterday.

So he didn't really ask, did he? He just dropped it into an email assuming that was just fine.

Pisstaker!!!

Only1scoop · 10/06/2016 10:12

Agree Saucy

It's a non issue, you don't need him to stay and he no longer wants to come anyway.

If he's such a good friend just apologise maybe, he feels offended.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/06/2016 10:27

What's to be gained for any of them if he "gets a grip" and goes to stay anyway?

What's to be gained is that he gets his dissertation completed in peace and solitude, which he was seeking from the op during the organisation of him coming to stay. That's the whole reason it was offered! Too many distractions else where!

And seriously - if he can't do his dissertation at home with his "bird" Hmm of two weeks, how's he going to do it there, with her alone in the house in the middle of nowhere.

And even more seriously...a grown adult with a huge task to complete, on which his future probably depends, and after years of study....can't leave a girlfriend of two weeks to focus on this?

SaucyJack · 10/06/2016 10:39

Presumably, as an adult who is grown enough to have a child and be studying for a PhD, then he's capable of deciding for himself whether to go or not.

Have I missed something in life? Are most of you in the habit of staying in your friends' empty houses without your children or romantic partners just for the Hell of it?

That's not to say I think the OP has been out of order in offering him a quiet study hole and not a free dirty weekend away.

But really. He doesn't want it. That's fine. Both move on with your day.

AugustRose · 10/06/2016 11:16

Thank you all for your replies, as usual in AIBU there are many opinions.

He has since been back in touch and appreciates he should have asked us first, before telling the GF she could come. He'll be staying at home with the GF so I doubt his thesis will get done.

I'm sure this friendship will endure, albeit on slightly different terms.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 10/06/2016 11:35

That's good news - hopefully it will all blow over.

Allalonenow · 10/06/2016 11:45

Glad he's realized that he has shot himself in the foot!

TFletchersWife · 10/06/2016 14:52

YAB(a tiny bit)U

I think he should be allowed to have his girlfriend stay with him. He is BU to assume so though and for having people in the past.

But anyway, this is not worth ruining what seems to be a close friendship.

Let his GF come but make sure you let him know he is responsible for her and that they are not to disturb the Son

TFletchersWife · 10/06/2016 14:53

Oooops
my bad for not RTFT

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 11/06/2016 18:59

He'll be staying at home with the GF so I doubt his thesis will get done.

YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER. If he doesn't get it done, he doesn't get it done! Let the man live, jesus.

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