To not want a stranger in our home while we are on holiday?

[AugustRose]

We live rurally in a farmhouse and have a long term friend who lives in the city. He comes to stay with us several times a year and in the past he has stayed in the house while were away.

Last time we found out that his daughter had come to stay for a few days, that's fine as we know her but we only found out because DD1 discovered a sock in her bed that wasn't hers. On that occasion he also invited his sister, although I think that was just for the day. We also remember one other occasion from the time before that he had a previous girlfriend stay without us knowing beforehand.

We are going on holiday soon but this time DS1 (19) is staying behind, he will be at work. Despite this we asked if our friend would like to come as he has a thesis to write and we thought the quiet would help. DS is OK with this as he knows him well.

However, the friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend. He hadn't mentioned this on the phone to DH but 'confirmed' her visit in an e-mail yesterday. Now, we have never met this girlfriend who he has only known a couple of months, and don't think it would be fair on DS to have someone in the house that he doesn't know, especially as he may be at work when she arrives, so we said no. The friend has taken a big huff with us as he 'cannot be away from her for a whole week' and is surprised by our reaction.

Our reaction is simply that no, not on this occasion but she is welcome to come and visit when we get home. We are more bothered that he told her she could come without even asking us first but he thinks we are the ones being unreasonable.

I'm as far from a snob as you can get but maybe the farmhouse in the country gave that impression. For clarity it's a rented, damp farmhouse with tumble down barns but has the advantage of being cheap.

Longtime yes that's exactly it.

The GF became a GF two weeks ago, prior to that they had a met a few times in two months. We have never met her so to us she is a stranger.

Oh I have a thread that's made it onto Trending! It must be a slow night

YANBU.

A couple staying in your home with your DS there, he will feel excluded as they cosy up on the sofa and spend as much time shagging, which is what they will be doing if he can't bear to be apart from her for a whole week.

OP invited friend to stay, was it to babysit her house and her son? Otherwise why invite him? It sounds like she is asking him to do the OP a favour, in which case, he is entitled to ask if girlfriend could stay too.

What the hell is snobbish about giving a friend the opportunity to use your house for free? Or saying you don't want them to bring a stranger when your DS will be in the house? She might be totally lovely and trustworthy, but she might not, and it's not fair to impose a stranger on your son in his own home. If friend doesn't like it, no-one is forcing him to accept the offer.

And why question OP's idea that it might be helpful for the friend to be able to work on his PhD? It's just a kind thought on her part, it might be helpful, it might not. What on earth is the point in micro-analysing it?

Is it the hot weather? This thread is AIBU at its weirdest.

It's in the OP, MyMurphy.

"we asked if our friend would like to come as he has a thesis to write and we thought the quiet would help".

OP invited friend to stay, was it to babysit her house and her son? Otherwise why invite him? It sounds like she is asking him to do the OP a favour, in which case, he is entitled to ask if girlfriend could stay too.

WTF? Another inexplicable one. OP's explained fully upthread why they invite him, and it's perfectly clear that babysitting has nothing to do with it. Why would a 19 year old need babysitting? Does no-one around here understand the concept of offering to do a favour for a friend? And the concept of not abusing a favour?

Then he is taking the piss and so are the posters on here suggesting otherwise. He is getting free accommodation yet feels he has the right to dictate who gets the benefit of that free accommodation and is having a hissy fit when you deny him that "right". Serious pass taker.

It's not to do us a favour, we don't need him to babysit the house or DS. We invited him to give him time to write, undestracted which he said he needed to do as the dealine is close for his thesis.

He is entitled to ask (which he hasn't in the past) and we politely said no as DS will be there and will feel uncomfortable with someone he doesn't know.

Anyway, he's not coming.

"Why would a 19 year old need babysitting? Does no-one around here understand the concept of offering to do a favour for a friend? And the concept of not abusing a favour?"

This exactly.

He doesn't sound mature enough to be allowed in my house while I'm not there.

Are you sure he is an adult?

He can't be away from his girlfriend for a week?

And he thinks it's OK to have extra guests sleep in people's beds and not change the sheets?

Bloody autocorrect. Serious piss taker. I'm glad he's not coming OP. You don't need people taking advantage like this.

I'm with you OP, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that situation either. I think it'll be really awkward for your son.
Maybe it would be different if he'd introduced the new girlfriend to you, but not in these circumstances.
In fact, he'd have blotted his copy book so badly from his behaviour on his last stay, that he'd never have been given another invite from me!

Also agree with AnyFucker.

It's just a bit weird. You seem to be treating him like a child. He needs help staying focused so he can stay when you aren't there but only if he follows a bunch of conditions which he clearly has no interest in following and has never followed before!

Wow some really over the top replies to the OP!

YANBU. No good deed goes unpunished is true. I totally agree that it would be weird and unfair on DS to have to share his home with them. He's being rather rude and ungrateful. It was a kind and generous offer and one I would not make again.

Do you have family nearby that you are close by or is he your "chosen family"?

A1, have you missed the bit where OP's son is going to be at the house at the same time? Do you seriously think it's weird to be reluctant to let the guest invite a stranger to the house when her son will be there and is entitled to be comfortable in his own home?

I don't understand why you invited him again, when you know he has taken the piss in the past?

Surely you are either relaxed about who else comes, the message I would get if you had invited me again; or not so would have mentioned to me that you were surprised other people came who you were not aware were coming?

Why does he need to come to yours for peace and quiet to write his thesis? Who does he live with normally? Given that he's not married/partnered with young children.

This is all a bit unusual.
Any friends I know and love well enough to lend my house to, would be more than welcome to bring a partner/significant other to stay in it. Providing I knew no harm of him/her. Thinking of our many unhappily single friends, in fact I'd just be too busy punching the sky because they'd finally met someone, and prematurely shopping for hats, to give the stay a second thought.
Re your ds, not sure if you mentioned his age, but given you are leaving him home alone, I'm assuming he is grown up enough to cope with a stranger, especially if she is the girlfriend of someone he cares about.
All this is moot, though, as you've already said no to your friend. How did he take it? Are you still friends?
Hope all is ok.

Can I get a Christmas card too?

I'm sooo on the fence with this post I've got splinters in my arse! My parents (sadly only got 1 left now) often went away and wanted dog sitters, so I've often stayed at their place while they are away (get it's different cos I'm a family member). I ALWAYS treated it like a party house - drank their booze (soooo much better and more plentiful than anything I had) and proper beds for all rather than friends having to shag on the floor (errrm... it was a while ago. You mind less in your 20s).

To me it was a quid-pro-quo.... I was there to (a) make the house not look empty (b) do chores like putting the bins out (c) look after the dogs. I got a fab house, a party place and with as much food and drink as my mates could scavenge.

It worked well (for me. Less good after I melted their dishwasher!)

For me, the game changer about your post is that you have a child stayign there too. So I can understand why you don't want the more 'live free, have fun' aspects around your DS.

But you have the ultimate power as it is your house, so BU or NBU, it's your choice to make.

I'd say go with what works for you (do you want your DS alone all week having his version of fun, or do you want him kept an eye on. And if you want him kept an eye on, is it ok if that person is shagging?)

I think it's your choice to make here.

It's a bit of a non-issue really.

You don't need him to housesit, and he'd (unsurprisingly) rather stay in his own home with his girlfriend than come and stay in the middle of nowhere for a week. No one is unhappy with the solution that he doesn't come to yours to stay.

Nothing to be seen here. Everybody move along.

Well, I have an adult DS and go away often.

Wouldn't dream of having anyone - especially taking the piss - in my house to stay then while DS is home, doing his own thing, inviting his own friends around. That would be like him having to deal with a room mate really. In his own home.

I used to have loads of people staying, overnight mattress on the living room floor, friends in between rentals, etc. Was all great but I got tired of it. doing all the domestics

Now I'm lucky and can suggest the nearest AirB&B

Is the friend an unpaid animal keeper?

If so, YABU.

There has to be some benefit you have gleaned from asking him to stay at your home previously.

You invite someone to your house, to your party, to your child's Christening, to a hen party and that person doesn't assume to bring other people without asking unless the invite includes "plus one" or "and your daughter" or "our friends from bowling". That is standard etiquette.

The only time that doesn't count is if it is a joyous surprise like you are bringing your mum's bestie as a surprise to your mothers party because she has been in France for six months and not expected home or if there is a standing arrangement that you can bring X, Y or Z. Otherwise you ask and if the person says no then you chose to go or not go. One of the very few places someone has complete domain over their space is in their home, if they only want left handed people or people with one hazel eye in their house they would be weird but completely within their rights and not wanting someone they have never met before when they are not there is very reasonable.

He is a cheeky pisstaker. I'm surprised at those saying that if he's welcome, his 'partner' should be too. She's not his partner, she's just a new girlfriend. Heck he can barely know her himself.
He seems to have form ffor sneaking people into your home without permission. You were right to put a stop to it.