Aibu not to remind DH?

[GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate]

I am 99% certain that he has forgotten that he booked a swimming trial/assessment for DD this evening. DD is 3.5, DH booked it because the lessons are on Saturdays so he would be able to go with her as a DH&DD activity. Tonight's thing is an initial visit to see which class she would go into.
I am tempted to let him face the consequences of his lack of organisation for once; I don't think DD is aware it's happening as he hasn't mentioned it to her and it was booked a month ago, so she wouldn't feel let down by him.

In general DH is a good guy but he tends to force me into the 'life admin' by avoiding things. He never shirks his role as father though.

So wibu to make this his problem or aibu and petty and should just remind him?

Just remind him.

Me and dh often remind each other of things we can't remember everything.

I can totally sympathise and understand why you want to do this, but I think once it gets this far - where you're deliberately tripping your partner up - things have got pretty bad and it's time to address the problem properly. You should be a team but you're not and that's affecting how you feel about your DH to the extent that you resent helping him.

Remind him about this but set aside a time when you can have a proper, serious talk about how you feel.

What would happen if you just stopped organising things, OP? And said to him calmly 'If you don't start doing your share of remembering and organising, your children will be missing out on things because of you?'

I mean, has he ever been forced to actually think about what his shirking actually means to his children?

You dd needs to not eat in the hour before swimming. Couple of kids at my dcs swimming lessons have ignore that advice recently and been sick in the pool.

Just ask him directly if he's remembered. He probably has.

I think the eating before swimming isnt s thing now...but I thbink for some people it can be uncomfortable.

I would text DH and ask if she/he wants to eat earlier ?

Tell / nudge him - you're already doing the thinking, so you haven't gained from avoiding that this time.

But, it's clear this is persistent and being his diary secretary is not something you have agreed to do, declared as your strength, or mutually decided should be part of your role in your partnership. So all those posts saying 'but this is my strength, my role in my partnership' are irrelevant to you.

Doing all the thinking, planning and worrying about when and how everything will happen is a burden. It's a big job, not a little one, because you can't switch off from it.

Tell him enough is enough and he needs to take responsibility for things he does. Doesn't he care about his dd's swimming lesson? Would he really sacrifice her progress and the teacher's time just for the sake of not having to write something in his diary or check his phone daily?

His choice, his responsibility. Surely he and OP both care about these things but, both are not responsible.

'He never shirks his role as father though.'

but he is. he isn't going to remember tonight and therefore your dd will lose out. part of being a parent is remembering all this shit.

i'm afraid i would take a hard line and completely leave his stuff to him. otherwise it just won't sink in. there will have to be some fallout for him to take this seriously.

don't remind him about tonight. calmly ask when he does remember why he didn't write it down? if you do remind him NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

Sparrowhawk I have made that point crystal clear to him, that his children would miss out. He is all contrition when I point it out but it never results in a long term change. It drives me round the bend but it is not worth breaking up an otherwise good, functional family over so I'm stuck with it.

I'd go for a calendar with a column for everyone, too.

If it's something which can easily be rebooked and DD doesn't know, I'd leave him to it, unless you previously had a conversation where you agreed he would book the assessment for then, so it was a shared decision. If it was all his own doing, it's up to him.

You can eat before swimming, but not immediately before, as it could make your DD throw up, which would be particularly bad if she's in the pool at the time. We used to eat at least an hour before class,usually more, but quite a lot of that was because of travelling and changing time.

Remind him. I think it's a bit petty not to tbh.
But at the same time remind him how lucky he is to have you and that flowers/chocolates/massage/whatever floats your boat help you remember these things.

A wall calendar? Seriously?

It's 2016. Technology is your friend. Because it will do the chasing for you, and because he will have his phone with him and be better able to use it, unlike the wall calendar.

Does he forget to organise stuff at work? Randomly miss appointments/meetings? I'm guessing not. So it's not a 'man' thing. It's not that he can't do it. It's that he is choosing not to do it. And he's choosing not to do it despite you telling him that it makes you stressed.

If this is the final straw then let it be.I don't think you should feel guilty about the swim coach's time. You are not inconveniencing them. Your DH is.

Plus, you never know, your DH may remember and step up. But you'll never be able to tell if you are always swooping in to rescue situations.

If he won't change and you're not willing to break up over it then you have to accept it. Playing games and exercising resentment will get you nowhere.

Does he have to remember appointments at work? Does he manage this? If yes then it shows that he remembers that which is important to him, and thus you and DD are less important than his work.

I hear you, OP.

This reminded me of the golf thread last week.

None of the blokes on that thread seemingly needed to be reminded that they had golf at noon on Saturday. It was front and centre of their minds.

It seems that some people have selective forgetfulness where it comes to minor things like their own children.

Perhaps suggest that he needs to take on the majority of family administration until such time as he stops routinely forgetting things. Then you can split 50/50.

Does he forget to organise stuff at work? Randomly miss appointments/meetings? I'm guessing not. So it's not a 'man' thing. It's not that he can't do it. It's that he is choosing not to do it. And he's choosing not to do it despite you telling him that it makes you stressed.

THIS THIS THIS

Tell him you don't need his 'contrition'; you need him to act like an adult, just like he does at work.

Sorry but it's not really a functional family if one of the resident parents needs a social secretary.

He booked it, it's not vital, I wouldn't remind him, and if I did I wouldn't rearrange things or do it for him.

You're not stuck with it. There will be ways to get through to him. Can you divide activities up, so that swimming is 'his thing', something else is yours? The lead person makes all arrangements and is responsible for getting DCs to the activity and noticing any potential clashes or problems (that they could be aware of).

So, he should have said to you, 'can you get dd fed by this time, or give her a snack (as relevant), because she's swimming at 6pm?'.

Ahhh the old "wifework" trap.

I have been doing all the family organising, admin, reminding, sorting, buying for the past year - fair enough because I've been on maternity leave and had childcare for a lot of that, so had the time.

However I've now been back at work for 2 months and am STILL doing it all. It's really starting to wind me up.

With us it's not so much that DH organises something then forgets - it's more that he never bloody organises anything in the first place!

The other point is that if you don't draw the line here, where do you draw it? By their very nature, items on the calendar are planned. They are always going to have a degree of importance.

In the grand scale of events and appointments, a swimming assessment is probably a good one to let him fail on.

Mum's family calendar is really cool. You can fill it in together with the kids, it's a lot of fun! It runs from September until December the next year (17 months), comes with funny/silly stickers and a pocket for stray £50 notes www.amazon.co.uk/Mums-Family-Calendar-2016/dp/0761186603/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1465465160&sr=1-1&keywords=mum%27s+family+calendar

If I failed this way, I would consider cutting down on commitments. Is this the desired outcome, OP?

SpotofWeather, the thing that is wrong with that is the title of it.

Shows just how ingrained these things are.

Between us we forget loads of things, even the teens who have done the organising themselves.

We've found the only way around it is setting up a family email address and using the google calendar for that email address.

Everyone has it on their phones with reminders set an hour before hand. Since doing this nothing has been forgotten and we've never double booked ourselves.