to post here?

[alwaysinamuddle]

I started threads in both mental health and relationships and no replies.

I don't know where to turn so I've come here.
I have a history of suicide attempts due to poor mental health (linked to childhood and teenage trauma).
I can feel myself slipping, and I have no one I can turn to.
Ex-P has been badgering me non stop since I went NC, telling me he knows it's only a matter of time before I try it again, or I end up attacked again if I try to go and meet someone.
I'm scared of myself right now.
I've sent DS to his paternal nans for the night so he's not here to see me in a state.

What do I do?

I should explain the "attacked again".
After my last break up (5 years ago), I went on a bit of a boozy night out and ended up being sexually assaulted, which after previous childhood abuse has put a great deal of fear into me about meeting new people, and it was always Ex-P go to if he wanted to stop me going out while we were together.

(I've posted in mental health too, but unsure of whether it will be seen there)

I have nothing of any practical use to offer you (no expertise in the area you need help with... I'm just a mum who likes AIBU, esp when I'm not working in the morning and can stay up late), but just to say, you're not alone. The MN community will support you. Please ring the Samaritans again. I don't know the other recommendations, but I do know that Sams will be there for you, no matter how coherent you are.

You matter.

You are important.

Please stay strong and get through this. and a hug.

OP - Don't worry the CAT Teams are use to people calling in all sorts of states and most not making much sense. They are trained and will take their time with you. I hope you feel better soon

The Samaritans literally saved my life when I was like you're describing 4 years ago.

I'd ring and just talk.....and talk......and talk.......as you know they have to be careful how they respond and this is sometimes exactly what you need; a neutral response and just to talk.

Please phone 999 if you are desperate- they will be able to help.

Or the CAT number some other people have suggested.

One step at a time; one hour at a time, in fact, at the moment.

Distraction is good.....tv, a hot cup of tea, music etc.

Can you let us know how you are OP

Please don't feel like you're being a pain by calling them. These people are there to help you, and you definitely deserve it. Your life is as valid and important as anyone else's.

I second what everyone else has said.

But just wanted to add - you won't get attacked if you go out. What a horrible stick your ex has beat you with. Being sexually assaulted is not inevitable. And I say this as a radical feminist with an inherent distrust of men.

Please get help

Morning OP. Hope you managed to call someone last night. How are you feeling this morning?

Morning OP. Thinking about you. How are you today?

Hi all. I'm currently on a ward (safe and well, it's just precautionary), and waiting for one of the psych team to come and see me.

Will they listen? I feel like I'm wasting their time even though I know I'm not safe alone.

Will you stop thinking you are wasting anyones time!
You are in the right place. You did exactly the right thing for yourself, and this will only benefit your child as well.
Now you have a chance to get the right help.

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Am glad your somewhere safe op. Hugs for you.

Take all the help they offer you OP - if only to do it for your son. You are worth it and you deserve to be valued.

Let today be a new beginning for you - don't look back

Hope today goes ok for you

I'm freaking out now. They want to change my medication, but the ones I'm on have so far been the best combination I've had (one or two episodes a year compared to monthly) and I don't know how well I can child raise with major manic and depressive episodes.
They also want me to start counselling, but the police officer in charge of my current case against someone has said that talking therapy can be deemed "contamination of evidence". Short term, talking therapy would be the best option, but long term, I think there would be a greater risk to my mental health if treatment jeopardises a guilty verdict. I need justice and closure.

Sending hugs, healing thoughts and willing you on to a happy recovery.

I think they'llhave your best interests at heart, as some medications can actually worsen symptoms of anxiety - from my experience I had to change medication to find the best one

I wouldn't go for the talking therapy until the police case is over - keep talking it out on here if it helps

yOu are not alone, there a millions of mums out there and on here who know how hard it is to raise a child or several when all you want to do is stay in a dark cupboard all day

small steps, keep reaching out for help, make sure you're eating well and keeping hydrated too with loads of water - my anxiety depression often gets worse when I'm dehydrated - weird but I've heard it's quite common

One day at a time OP

Self care is what I'm on about OP, putting yourself first is crucial especially when you've been conditioned by others to put yourself last. it's time to think of what YOU want, how you want to get better, do you still want to be feeling the same in 6 months time? At Christmas this year, do you want to be feeling differently or better? I give myself targets like that and ignore any negative vibes from family - it's my life and me and my kids are the priority now. i have to get out of bed each day, do laundry, keep a clean house, feed my kids - it's bloody hard work but it's so important - invisible work - but make your home with your son your priority and think ahead - not behind - at the good things which could come your way

How are you doing this evening OP? Have you spoken to them about got concerns re meds?

Dear OP.
I live where you live in your head.
I did a similar thing with regards to a sexual assault too...
I was on the rise and confident and the meds tricked me into thinking I was less vulnerable than I was.
Samaritans are poo. They are listeners but you know as soon as that phone goes down you're alone with it again.
If you get like that again and have no support team number, Call 999 ambulance service.
Xxx

How are you doing today OP?

I'm still not very well, but I'm safe. DS has come to visit with his nan and that helped cheer me up a little.
I'm trying to take each hour at a time for now, I'm not quite sure how else to cope, but I'm trying.

Take your time, you're doing great.
Remember that as an abuse survivor, every day you survive, you win one.
You are already a better person than your abuser. You are stronger than they are, safe around children, and a good parent.

My darling ring 999 they are paid to help in these situations u are not alone sending you love and strength xx

mumto1
I'm in a specialist hospital right now, I know I'm in the best place, I just feel like I'm less deserving of anyone's time right now.

Thank you all for the advice, and the help you gave.

You are no less deserving than anyone else. Wishing you well and stay safe. X

wolfie

I'm sorry I don't have many words right now.
But I'm very grateful.

You are not alone OP. We are with you. Sending you strength xxx

Please accept these flowers