To tell my parents to get lost and that they can get their friends kids to look after them in their old age?

[FreyaFriday]

Since I was little, my parents have been friends with a couple who have two children of roughly my age, I'll call the children Jane and Peter.

All of my life, my parents have been very harsh and critical of me, I was never shown any affection and my dad punished my physically, and often. They have also, all of my life, been obsessed with Jane and Peter and about how great they are. As a child I would constantly be compared to them, and told how great they were and how awful I was, and it's the same in adulthood. They would happily cuddle Jane and Peter as kids but never me! My parents far prefer Jane and Peter to me! Don't get me wrong, Jane and Peter are nice enough people, it's not their fault, but it upsets me, and I feel on the verge of going non contact with my parents.

For example, when I had my DCs my mum told me that they had done their child raising and would not be babysitting for my children. Ok, harsh but fair enough. However they do not think twice of doing a 200 mile round trip to look after Peter's children for an afternoon as Peter's wife is at work and their childminder is on holiday.

My parents constantly critisise and belittle my parenting yet rave about what good parents Jane and Peter are to their children, and how their children are amazing.

They also constantly tell me how crap my job is and how much better Jane and Peter have done in life. This is not true at all; I have a decent job as does my DH, and Jane and Peter, nice as they are, just have ordinary bog standard jobs like us too. They haven't done anything world changing or award worthy.

Like I said, I am on the verge of telling my parents to fuck off, and also telling them that I will not be looking after them in their old age and that Jane and Peter can do it!

"I wouldn't say anything just stop being there for them to belittle you. Enjoy and love your family."

I agree with that.

I can understand the wanting to tell them, but really, if they can't or don't want to see what they are doing, would they even care?

Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they have upset you.

Just don't contact & don't answer their calls or be unavailable if they want to meet.

Last time I broached the subject with them my dad hit me so I think going NC is best rather than telling them.

You know, you don't actually need to see them or talk to them or let them even enter your head? It seems wrong at such a visceral level to let go of your parents but they are just your biological parents, they are not parents who do all the other much more important bit of parenting - showing love and affection, supporting you, encouraging you, being interested in you, listening to you.

You make their lives better purely because their favourite sport is belittling you and making themselves feel better.

You don't deserve that.

You deserve kindness and unconditional love.

After this long it is obvious they are incapable of changing that. However said it is, can you imagine the sense of freedom replacing a sense of dread? Can you imagine surrounding yourself only with people who are positive and nice? Can you imagine never having to justify (wearily) who you are?

Would you treat any of your kids this way? If not, its ok to not let your parents treat you this way anymore. You are worth so much more. It's also a good lesson for the kids to know that NO-ONE needs to put up with crap like that.

Basically FOG is allowing them to continue: fear (you have been conditioned to be frightened of upsetting them - your dad was violent and your mum may well have been abusive too), obligation (you have a natural instinct to give your parents your time of day) and guilt (if you don't allow them to do it then you are being a bad person - they are your parents etc etc).

Once you understand that fog is (naturally and quite normally) ruling your actions, then you can plan how to deal with them in future. They are unlikely to change but sometimes can respond to you showing them you are no longer frightened, obliged or feeling guilty and then stop being openly cruel. Although they'll still want to be this way, unfortunately, as it is serving their own esteem somehow to run you down.

Ah so you have already tried to reason with them and got assaulted.

Yes, you then have to follow nc.

Sad, because absolutely none of this is your fault. But you clearly cannot have a functional relationship with them without your dad breaking the law and physically assaulting you.

It's your parents that sound like the c**ts. Go NC and enjoy your life with your family

If your father lays a finger on you again, call the police. It is assault and you never have to accept it.

No contact, effective immediately .

You do not have to give them a reason, you do not have to explain yourself.

Yanbu, your parents sound truly horrid especially your father. He hit you
Consider going LC or NC with them, you will be much happier.

NC definitely sounds like the best plan, especially given your most recent post. What goes around comes around and they will be lonely and bitter in their old age, as they deserve to be, having been so vile to their daughter. It's not you, it's them.

Last time I broached the subject with them my dad hit me so I think going NC is best rather than telling them. You poor thing. NC and call the Police if he ever does anything like this again.

What do Jane and Peter think about it all?

Good grief op, I admire your perseverance, I would have baled out years ago.
It's very sad, I wonder what they get out of being so emotionally and physically abusive?
I can well understand FOG, it's breaking the pattern that's so hard.
💐

I think it's a real lack of self worth thing for them to prefer other people's kids to their own. A bit sad really, but why the hell should you suffer for it? Go NT and break the cycle.

My BiL (sister's exDH) had horrible abusive parents. At family gatherings they would blatantly tell him how useless he was compared to my DH, not that they knew anything at all about my DD except he had a nice suit and car. Sadly BiL is the same now with his own kids.

How old were you when your dad hit you for raising that subject?

I was 35

I think it's time to visit the Stately Homes thread

Do Jane and Peter know that your parents treat you like this and that your father has physically assaulted you both as a child and an adult? I'd have serious concerns about Jane and Peter leaving DCs in their care. Also how do Jane and Peters parents feel about their rather odd relationship with their neighbours

They sound horrible my love.
You deserve to have peace in your life, not these awful people.
I like the idea of the letter, he can't hit a letter and maybe they'll read it.
Then go nc and don't go back.
I'd get in touch with jane and peter and tell them the whole sorry story.
So sorry for you.

NC. You don't need that negativity. Don't pay any attention to the bad things they say against you.

Also I wouldn't even consider any obligation to look after them in their old age.

I'd wait until they start praising P and J up to the skies again and then be very sweet about it - "Yes they're lovely people aren't they? I know how fond you are of them. Actually you know I've decided I can never match up so I've decided to leave you to it" and then walk out and never see them again.

Cunts.

35! you deserve a medal for putting up with them for so long!

FWIW, one of my friends mother was exactly the same and my friend spent many years trying to make her mum proud, but even when she reached the top of her career ladder making family sacrifices in the process , her mum still found other things to compare her unfavourably about, in relation to her friends children. It is only now in her 40's that she is coming to terms with it all.

Have Peter and Jane ever commented on the difference or did your parents hide it well?

"Last time I broached the subject with them my dad hit me"

I'd cut them off immediately & without another thought.

Sure it's easier said than done, though.

Hope you find the strength to go NC & to protect yourself & your children from them.