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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Baby AIBU

59 replies

user1465387977 · 08/06/2016 13:41

I've name changed for this as I've spoken about it in real life so it's identifying.

I'm expecting our first baby at the end of July and we've been invited to a wedding at the beginning of August (13 days after due date). It's a relaxed affair and within walking distance of our house. The couple are happy for us to show up on the day to any part or no part at all depending on if I'm still in hospital or just too tired to go etc. and happy for baby to come too (they offer induction at 40+12 here). So that's great.

We mentioned to MIL in passing that we were invited to a wedding that day but we would just be seeing how it went as if I went over due it would be unlikely we could go and we might not want to take the baby out to a wedding if it's only a couple of days old anyway.
She said immediately that of course we would be able to go as she would be around and could take the baby all day and over night anyway. I reminded her that that would really be impossible as I will be breastfeeding, she replied well breastfeeding might not work for you anyway so nothing wrong with a bottle (of course there's nothing wrong with a bottle but at a couple of days old my milk will only just be coming in anyway). I said that even if I ended up FF for whatever reason I think that the baby will be too tiny to leave with anyone at that early stage. Obviously we don't know how many days or weeks old the baby will be at this point but tbh even if it's born at 37 weeks I still don't think I'd leave a 5 week old either.

Anyway I seem to have upset her and she asked my husband if I didn't trust her to look after a baby. (I think my husband should probably have told her not to be silly and then never mentioned the conversation to me but it's done now).

Surely I'm not being unreasonable to not want to leave a baby that could potentially only be a couple of days old with anyone? I wouldn't leave the baby with my mum either at that early stage so it's not like I'm favouring my side. I'm just really surprised that she thinks it's because I don't trust her. I honestly didn't think it was normal to leave a tiny baby with anyone?

Also if it helps gain perspective she's mentioned a couple of times that she will be round every day during my maternity leave to help (even before the baby is born). I know she is excited but I feel suffocated already.

OP posts:

cornishglos · 08/06/2016 14:29

I wouldn't go without my 8 month old.

Original poster

user1465387977 · 08/06/2016 14:40

old yes that's likely as MIL is very rarely up before midday tbh

OP posts:

WineCheeseSleep · 08/06/2016 14:42

YANBU definitely! I like durezz's approach, that's probably how I would phrase it. I left my son at 5 months old overnight for a wedding and that wasn't really ideal with all the expressing and planning etc. Would definitely not leave a baby only a few days /weeks old, it's still very full on at that point!

AnnaMarlowe · 08/06/2016 14:44

When you have children your relationships change, not only with your DH but with your DPs and PILs.

Some changes will be for the better - some not.

Just remember you and your DH are the baby's parents. You are in charge and you get to decide what happens in any situation.

You can't be overruled.
Prepare to be strong, and to draw lines in the sand where you need to.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/06/2016 14:55

YANBU but I think this is an instance of crossed wires, not overbearing MIL (unless there's a back story).

She's heard your plans to maybe attend the wedding as somewhere she could possibly help, and has offered. You - understandably - have dismissed that idea because you will be just establishing breastfeeding. She has misunderstood your reasons for dismissing her offer and has felt slighted.

You are at cross purposes. If she is generally kind and well meaning, and you do want her around, I would tackle it by saying something about how grateful you are for her offer of help, and how it's especially kind of her to have offered to have the baby overnight, and you're sorry if it sounded like you were rejecting or not trusting her. Then explain that breastfeeding is really important and the early days are key so in this instance if you go to the wedding you'll take the baby. Then tell her that in due course you will naturally be grateful for her help in caring for your baby and are looking forward to her having a lovely relationship with her grandchild.

LunaDott · 08/06/2016 15:25

AnnaMarlowe has it spot on. It's so difficult but your relationship with MIL will change massively once the baby has arrived. It's important you set boundaries now, as you'll be so tired and hormonal in the weeks and months after the birth that you may say something you regret. She cannot come round everyday, that's not acceptable.

Congratulations and enjoy the wedding!

Socksey · 08/06/2016 15:27

And even if wires are not fully crossed, I do like OhTheHugeManatees solution.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/06/2016 15:49

To put it another way:

saying something about how grateful you are for her offer of help, and how it's especially kind of her to have offered to have the baby overnight

AKA blowing sunshine up her arse

and you're sorry if it sounded like you were rejecting or not trusting her

AKA soothing ruffled feathers

but breastfeeding is really important and the early days are key so in this instance if you go to the wedding you'll take the baby

AKA setting your boundary clearly

then tell her that in due course you will naturally be grateful for her help in caring for your baby and are looking forward to her having a lovely relationship with her grandchild

AKA blowing more sunshine / keeping the door open for future childcare arrangements

I think Gordon Brown's SPAD team used to call this the 'sandwich' method of delivering mixed news - wedge the less palatable bit between two nice-tasting bits and you're much less likely to cause a paddy

mrsbates070707 · 08/06/2016 15:53

That's just crazy. I still don't like leaving my daughters and they are 10 and 2!

LotsOfShoes · 08/06/2016 15:54

She understands your point of view but doesn't care. You need to set some boundaries soon. I'm all for family but yours sounds suffocating.

blueturtle6 · 08/06/2016 15:56

Yanbu, I stressed first time she left my side (after a week) when I went to lie down upstairs. You wont enjoy wedding if you are missing you baby. Its not even a matter of trust!

Osirus · 08/06/2016 16:01

I'm due next week and my DP's mother has started appearing more often! I'm quite a private person and don't like sharing any medical information with her (she keeps asking and I give one word answers!) but the constant offers of help are doing my head in! She actually appeared for five mins when I started reading this thread!

I come from a huge family and my mum has been helping with housework and my sisters with lifts to places if I'm not feeling up to getting a bus. I don't need any more help and although this makes me feel a bit mean, I'd rather see my own family for pregnancy related things, mostly because I am so private and very close to my family. My DP's mother is perfectly nice but has become a little suffocating. DP doesn't help though as he's trying to get her to stay with my all day this Friday when he is away working. I don't need a babysitter!!! I'm very nice to her though so she has no idea she drives me mad but she only has to offer once, not every 2 minutes.

I'm on maternity leave by the way and the visits have ramped up in the last week. We are not going to tell anyone when I go into hospital and I think they may have sussed this out somehow as I'm also now getting messages from DP's dad, who wasn't impressed when we told him I didn't want any visitors in hospital and would arrange to see people when I get out.

Sorry if this is long OP and I have no advice as I'm in the same boat. I offer sympathy!

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 08/06/2016 16:07

YADNBU my MIL is like this and my mum tbh!!

I have only just starting leaving DD for prolonged periods of time (4+ hours) now and wouldn't dream of leaving her overnight yet and she's 6 months so don't worry YANBU.

Try and set some boundaries now as I failed to do this and I didn't enjoy my first few months in terms of relationships etc. Just be firm with everyone- it's not unreasonable to want to be with your child and is more of a worry if you were happy to leave your newborn all the time.

LunaLoveg00d · 08/06/2016 16:10

Ha - mine are 3 and 5 and I still haven't left them overnight!!

There's no prizes for this sort of thing you know......

Give MIL the benefit of the doubt. Many women of her generation haven't a clue about breastfeeding, it just wasn't the done thing. She probably thought she was offering you a solution to a problem. There's no right or wrong age to be leaving babies. Very small babies are routinely separated from their parents if the mum is in one hospital and the baby in another - completely unavoidable and doesn't do any harm. Mums and MILs have years of experience and are just the sort of people who are best to look after your babies, in my experience.

Sounds like the wedding couple are being very flexible which is great. The day after my daughter was born we made a visit to visiting relatives from Australia, we just popped into the hotel where they were staying for a couple of hours, let them have a cuddle with the baby, and came home.

jonsnowssocks · 08/06/2016 16:14

I'm in a similar situation, with a wedding to go to the month after the baby is due. MIL has brought it up a few times, saying she doesn't think she can be there to babysit, and I've said that it's fine as I'm planning on taking baby with me and will just stay for whatever amount of time feels comfortable and practical. I'm starting to wonder now though if that's MIL's way of saying she doesn't approve of our decision

Anyway, YANBU at all. I hope you manage to get it all sorted out.

amigoingabitcrazy · 08/06/2016 16:26

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She may have felt comfortable leaving her brand new baby overnight but you don't. The answer is no thank you and she should accept it gracefully.

When baby arrives this will probably get worse before it gets better. You will have offers of help left right and centre when you really want to be left alone. There is a fine line between trying to be helpful and being a smother/smother in law. Usually repeatedly offering to "take baby off your hands" and then getting irrationally upset when you turn that offer down! Just remember to set boundaries from the very beginning. Try to be calm and kind when you enforce them and absolutely stick to your guns (I did the complete opposite by allowing people to walk all over me had a horrible time and now know better)!

Don't let anybody ruin this precious time for you and your family. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Original poster

user1465387977 · 08/06/2016 16:28

I'm liking these suggestions and feel comforted that I'm not the only one.

She did actually breastfeed her two as well - I might have missed that bit out. I sometimes get the feeling she would rather I didn't breastfeed to be honest. Maybe I'm being sensitive but she makes a big deal of saying how difficult it is and how she doesn't think it's any better. Of course she could be trying to prepare me and make me feel better if it doesn't work for me so I don't want to get over sensitive about that part.

OP posts:

jo2107 · 08/06/2016 16:33

Not at all unreasonable. I've put my foot down and told family/friends that once baby arrives we are having no visitors for at least 3 days as we want that time to ourselves with our baby and to adjust to what will be a huge change. Also said for relatives that have to stay over it's a max of 2 nights (will be staying with us).
Sorry if she's upset but you really aren't being unreasonable.
I wont be leaving baby with anyone for a while

coco1810 · 08/06/2016 16:33

YANBU at all! As if you would leave a newborn over night, your mil is looking at this situation through rose tinted glasses. I bet she's forgotten how difficult it is to have a new born. I remember my mil offering to stay at our house (with us there) overnight so I could get some much needed sleep. She lasted forty minutes before she buggered off home! Stick to your original plan, say thank you and promise her there will be plenty of time for sleepovers.

HackerFucker22 · 08/06/2016 16:33

Nip this all in the bud now. Be firm and non negotiable, just keep repeating 'baby will be with us until he/she is older'

My MIL came round when my DC2 was 13h old (to be fair I rang her as baby wasn't feeding and I was really worried and the maternity unit had just made me feel like an idiot when I rang them). She sent me up to bed whilst her and DP watched the baby downstairs. I lasted 30 minutes before I went back to baby!!! My MIL is the least overbearing and bossy person but I still couldn't even leave my baby to have a very needed power nap.

EweAreHere · 08/06/2016 16:34

YANBU. And you need to tell your DH ASAP that he needs to talk to his mother NOW and tell her she most certainly will not be coming over to see you and the baby every day and that she will wait until she is invited.

Dontfencemein · 08/06/2016 16:34

YANBU. It is fine and indeed healthy to want to stay close to your new baby regardless of whether breastfeeding or not. In my experience, MILs can struggle to get the boundaries right in terms of being helpful and being intrusive and suffocating. Maybe best to give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and say something like durezz has suggested. This might give her a subtle message about who calls the shots. Good luck,

Griffey · 08/06/2016 16:35

When my son was born 20+ years ago I was encouraged to go out with DH to get some couple time. DS was about two weeks old at the time - I lasted half an hour before I was itching to get home to DS. YANBU. But MIL is probably excited at the prospect of getting your DC all to herself. It''s a tricky one but go with your instincts they are very rarely wrong.

NickMarlow · 08/06/2016 16:48

Yanbu!

The first time I left dd, she was 4 weeks old. Dh and I went out for an early meal so service would be quick, leaving her with dm and a bottle of expressed milk. We were out of the house for an hour and a half. It was lovely to have a bit of time to ourselves but by the end I was itching to get back.

Your child, your choice - you're in charge now!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/06/2016 16:52

She is very keen to have your newborn in her care and was thrilled at the thought of getting an overnight. So she's disappointed you've said no. The gentle encouragement not to breastfeed is also very likely motivated by that a bottlefed baby can be left alone in grandma's care for hours. and hours. and overnight. And for lots and lots of lovely time with her gorgeous baby with her able to meet all baby's needs herself

Very understandable, lovely she's excited, but you have no need to justify anything beyond 'no thanks, I don't want to leave him/her'. And can be useful to start showing the boundaries now that there don't have to be 'turns' and babies don't do sleep overs/go on long visits along to grandma, so those wants and wishes don't turn into expectations. It's a very normal desire (threads everywhere) but easier to nip in the bud now than deal with when the actual gorgeous squidgy baby is right there.

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