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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be incredibly bothered by neighbours complaint?

660 replies

user1465383488 · 08/06/2016 12:37

We have lived in our house very happily for the last thirteen years. For the last five years we have been living next to very fussy neighbours. A couple in their thirties,No kids,no pets ,she does yoga in her garden,bakes from home and cycles around in an old fashioned big wheeled bike with a basket full of fresh bread and flowers.He works all day and seems very quiet. A perfect couple I guess.
We have six children here aged between 8 months and 13 years. The eldest two have special needs (autism /mobility problems)
We've always been super aware of not making noise to annoy anyone . The kids with the SN are in the furthest side of the house so occasional meltdowns have at least four or five walls between them and the neighbours.
Problems started three years ago when she knocked to say one of our dogs barked when I left her to do the school run and disturbed their breakfast . I was apologetic and took steps to stop that..training,plug ins,radio, recorded her etc and it stopped.
Then a few months later she hung out of her window on two mornings shouting at us for closing our gate too loud at 8.45am waking her up as she..and I quote " goes to bed late and has every right to sleep in with her windows wide open and not be disturbed" .
She made my then 8 year old cry and the kids creep out paranoid every morning to the car not daring to even speak.
Then we were putting a small patch of decking down and using a small battery drill to screw the planks in at 6 pm on a Saturday.She pops her head over asking if we could stop as they wanted to have dinner in the garden . And we did 😐
Next week she pops over again asking if we could keep our voices down as she was reading when it was just me,hubby and the two eldest out on the patio planting flowers.
Since then I've been paranoid. I dont let the kids play outside before 10 am or after 6.30 ish. If they're stupidly noisy they get brought in,I took the trampoline down because the neighbour moaned.We don't ever play music, the youngest kids are all in bed before 8 and the big three are quiet then and there's never any noise overnight. I don't ever open our bedroom window incase the baby cries through the night as the neighbours Window next to our room is wide open.
I stand out with the dogs in the morning and night so they don't bark and during the day if they start barking they're called in.When I go out they're in the far side of the house .
I "thought" we were being pretty considerate.
Apparently not.
Last weekend whilst the kids were in the paddling pool playing and actually being pretty quiet tbh both of them flew to the fence and started screaming about how we were ruining their lives, she sits crying at the noise we make. We have no consideration and should be ashamed of ourselves as parents etc. They went completely nuts and I told them we did our best but they didn't believe me, hubby at this point stood up and told them to back off as our kids were watching.
Since then my autistic son hasn't slept, he won't go outside. I am paranoid beyond belief. I won't even let the kids go into the two rooms on the neighbours side in the morning and am making them eat their breakfast in a different room 😐 I'm constantly shhhhhhing and trying to stop my 3 and 4 year olds running around all day and I can't face even letting the little ones play or my dogs outside. I'm even getting hubby to leave work to do the school runs whenever I can so I don't have to leave the dogs incase they bark.
It's causing great stress with me and hubby who thinks we should just ignore them and carry on our lives as we were. He is furious I'm so bothered what they think . I really don't know what to do !

OP posts:
RosesareSublime · 08/06/2016 21:06

Yes Restless letter perfect, I think encouraging them to go to EH is a good idea because they wont get anywhere.

I had real noise issues and it was hard enough for me to get anywhere. But EH can be a sort of arbiter. But excellent letter I hope you use it.
I would have kissed your feet if you had been so accommodating to us when we had our issues.

clarrrp · 08/06/2016 21:22

BillyGoatGruff007 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:31:40
Ahem.....she runs a home baking business making cakes as far as I can gather
Of course, I am sure she will have obtained all the necessary food safety certificates.....

If it were me, and bear in mind I'm an evil bitch, I'd be putting in a quick call to both environmental health and HMRC reporting a suspect business - ie. you think she's running a home bakery business and don't think she's registered for tax (seriously, the amount of people who come through our doors who have recieved a fine for home cupcake businesses they didn't register and then expect us to take their side is crazy). EH will want to have inspected the property and make sure it meets standards - and they are ruthless when it comes to home kitchens - forget that nice open plan rustic kitchen of your dreams and start thinking labels, labels as far as the eye can see....

Liiinooo · 08/06/2016 21:23

Restless's letter is great. Print it off now, hand deliver it and and then forget about it. This is her problem, don't let it spoil your home or family life for one more day.

Slightly off topic - you sound lovely - reasonable and accommodating, as does your DH and your family and yet you have let this bat-shit bitch intimidate and manipulate you for a long time. Has something about her made you feel insecure or triggered some vestigial feelings of unworthiness or low self-esteem? If that might be the case perhaps consider some short term counselling to help you get through this.

GabsAlot · 08/06/2016 21:26

tbf lulu jakey they have to follow up on any noise complaint imsure it wasnt nice for your poor mum but they cant just ignore someone making a complaint

op youre neighbours are twots my husband works shifts he doesnt like noise but does he complain-no because its snormal life and he chose to do shifts

hope the kids start enjoying the weather

GigiB · 08/06/2016 21:28

This is a sad situation, as I would personally find it really stressful if my relationship with my neighbours deteriorated totally, and this sounds really close to that.
They are being unreasonable. But I think you should try really hard to make them see that to try and salvage the relationship so it is amicable (fairly sure you won't be best friends).

I would suggest you send them a card, which apologies that they are upset, but does not apologise for your noise.
Gently pointing out that they live in a neighbourhood, not in the country. If they choose to live in a neighbourhood they have neighbours. Neighbours need to live their lives too. list of all the compromises you've made, say that you feel that you have tried, and that you are at the point of not compromising as you feel the compromises you have made (e.g. not going out before 10) are restrictive and unrecognised, so therefore pointless.
Perhaps include that your children should be able to play in their home and garden during the day, that they can speak when they leave the house for the school run, but that it would be unreasonable for them to shout, play loud music, be in the garden late at night etc... reiterate that you are happy to compromise, in a neighbourly way and you expect the same in return.

foursillybeans · 08/06/2016 21:38

Honestly, I would start by having an extremely firm conversation with them about the way they talk to you and tell them that you are not going to be putting up with their unreasonable demands from now on. If they want silence to read then they need to find a local reading room or read at bedtime. They do NOT have the right to tell you and your children how to live your lives. Playing, talking, laughing, dog barking in reasonable levels are all acceptable daily noises that she has no right to object too. Your DC playing are as entitled to make noise as she is to read in silence. One does not trump the other. She has other opportunities to read but the children can only play outside and in good weather.

However I would record exact comments and past ones that you can remember including times and locations for harrassment purposes. If she continues then I would then record her officially for harrassment.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/06/2016 23:34

Oh OP, that sounds dreadful. I hope you get it sorted by pushing back to their ridiculous demands. Start creating a paper trail.

And what a total bitch:.. Decent? Banshee? What the actual fuck?!

helensburgh · 08/06/2016 23:42

They need to move to the middle of nowhere. Their issue not yours at all. Lots of hugs

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/06/2016 03:59

They are utter bullies... But I suspect you realise this.... If they were normal people they would appreciate all the efforts you ha e made to pander to their rather entitled lifestyle...

They will continue doing this... They know that they can pull your chain.... They are harassing you and significantly impacting on your lives and your kids' happiness!

I'm with your husband on this-I would just stop... Please start having a normal family life... I speak as someone who has lived next door to some Greeks for two years (lovely people but very noisy) whose parties would start at midnight and go on to breakfast time... On weekdays! We would have continual guests ringing our bell, if they couldn't make themselves heard over the music upstaris.. Or else they would stand outside in the street having lengthy, loud conversations up to the 3rd floor window... That's not very reasonable...

Please just continue with the old broken record technique.... Along the lines of:

'we are not unreasonable, we are entitled to a normal family life... We have endlessly accommodated your ridiculous demands. If you continue with your spurious complaints, we will report you to the police for harassment! '

Devilishpyjamas · 09/06/2016 05:41

Another one saying ignore her.

Have a script ready for her ridiculous demands: 'I have spoken to the council noise team & they say that normal family noise is acceptable between 8am & 10pm so talk to them if you have an issue'

Janecc · 09/06/2016 05:54

BUY A NEW TRAMPOLINE PLEASE OP

Your children have every right to this and it's great exercise. Ridiulous people Angry

Gabilan · 09/06/2016 06:39

Some of you have a really odd idea of what it's like to live in the country. My neighbours are currently tending the first cut of hay. This is not a quiet process and arguing with a man on a tractor is seldom a good idea.

Footle · 09/06/2016 07:01

Anyone fancy a whip-round to buy the OP's children a new trampoline ?

trafalgargal · 09/06/2016 07:10

No odder than the neighbours who think a suburban estate should be noise free.

Although the "decent family" comment was obnoxious it has opened the OP's eyes to the fact that this "perfect couple" are not perfect but just horrible people who have shown their true colours.

I'd be videoing her every time she opened the window to shout -.

Whocansay · 09/06/2016 07:18

I don't understand why you are paying any attention to this horrible woman. You are allowed to enjoy the benefit of your own home. Your kids should be allowed to play in their own garden. She is a bully. Ignore her tell her to fuck off. This would make me incredibly angry.

dangerrabbit · 09/06/2016 07:40

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a distressing situation with your neighbours, I agree with others that it sounds like hate crime against your disabled children and discrimination against you for having so many children, I agree with others on keeping a diary so that you can put your side to the police if the situation escalates.

I'm glad you are thinking of sending restless travellers letter, which I thought was brilliant, and I second yorkshire puddings suggestion of what to add to it:

"due to the frequency and confrontational nature of your complaints, and the distress that this has caused our children, we have already taken the following noise reduction measures in an attempt to avoid any further unpleasantness" followed by a list of all the things you mention in the OP that you've done to accommodate them. I think it's important to make it clear that you've gone above and beyond as a result of their bullying tactics. Keep a copy so that you can share it with EH or the police if the situation escalates."

musicposy · 09/06/2016 07:56

OP, I think you have our old neighbours!

We had neighbours just like this but a couple in their 50s whose children had left home and had forgotten what normal child noise was. We also have dogs and she hated dogs.

They started like yours, silly petty requests. Could we not put our recycle bin out at 7pm because they go to bed early. Having a go at DH if he got home from work at 8pm because putting his bike away disturbed them. I, like you, was way too nice and said sorry, yes, of course. The nicer I was the more unreasonable the woman got. Started going apoplectic was with rage because I started the car at 10.30pm to collect DD1 from a late work shift and told me to park in a different road if I was using the car after 8pm.

She got to the point that every day, if someone came to the door, she would come round screaming at me to stop the dog barking (dog barks at the door then stops). She told me she was getting rid of our dogs "by any means". She started swearing at the DDs as they left the house. My youngest was only about 10 at the time. The girls started getting frightened to leave the house.

At this point I contacted police for advice. They went round and put a PIN (a police information notice) on her. This doesn't apportion blame but warns the other party that the police can persue for harassment or an ASBO if the behaviour continues.

They were furious. They started putting unsigned anonymous notes through our door saying they had the misfortune to be our neighbours, everyone hates us, etc etc. they started parking across our drive, pulled the boundary fence down and threatened us with court if we didn't replace it, contacted environmental health about the dogs and phoned the council to say I was running a brothel from home (I teach piano and given that most of my pupils are 8 year olds this was so plainly vindictive). They started swearing at all my piano pupils as they arrived. They told HMRC I was earning money I wasn't declaring. None of it held water because none of it was true so none of it was taken any further but it was horrible to live with.

We kept everything documented and in the end the police said they were going to press charges. Then suddenly they put the house on the market. They told others round the estate it was "to escape some things that have happened here". I'm hoping for the sake of others they moved to a large field.

We now have amazing, lovely, normal neighbours. They make a bit of noise, they don't go to bed at 7pm, they sometimes have friends out in the garden, the house is a bit messier than it was, they tell us they never hear the dogs. I asked if they'd had a neighbour dispute declared and they said, no, the old neighbours said we were lovely! I'd love them in a way to say we are unliveable with and sue the old neighbours for every penny they have Grin

But the rookie mistake I made was giving in to the mad woman's ridiculous demands at the start. I should have told her to fuck off. OP, document everything and live your life as usual. Do NOT make concessions to her. Children playing and the odd dog bark is normal noise. Escalate if need be. I was a wreck by the end of all of it. It was only after they left and the stress gradually lifted that I realised how awful it had been. Don't let them change how you live your completely normal life in your own house.

GoudyStout · 09/06/2016 08:30

My neighbour plays the bagpipes in the garden when he needs to destress. Apparently it's very therapeutic.

OP sounds very stressed, maybe bagpipe therapy would be just the thing?

carabos · 09/06/2016 09:14

This is about the disabilities. They want you to move. A friend of ours is a successful self-made businessman who has a construction related business. He's a millionaire who lives in one of the nicest roads in our very expensive small town. He has a very severely disabled DC and has spent a great deal of money adapting the house for the DC needs.

His neighbour is relentless in his harrassment. He complains about everything, from the way the cars are parked on their own drive, to the garden plants, the normal coming and going of the family. But most of all he complains about everything that relates directly to the disabled DC. The wheelchair, the type of car they have to have to accommodate the wheelchair, the "fuss" that moving the DC in and out of the house/car entails, the carer visits.

It's about the disabilities.

MissHooliesCardigan · 09/06/2016 09:54

OP, please listen to what people are saying- it's them, not you.
My advice would be to develop an interest in experimental music (which is basically music with absolutely no discernible tune), all take up an instrument and form a family band. How about a sitar, a didgeridoo, bagpipes and steel pans for a start. And really squeaky recorders for the younger ones. Practice in your garden. Form a neighbourhood Irish dancing group and have a weekly ceilidh.
I really miss the sound of my kids playing in the garden.
There was a woman who lived a few doors down from my DC's primary school who used to complain about the kids making too much noise at playtime as she worked from home (in a very important job) and the noise was distracting her from her very important work. She got very short thrift from the HT.

Claire28will · 09/06/2016 10:06

Can't believe what I'm reading she sounds like a complete and utter twunt
You sound like a prisoner in your own home, I would carry on and live your life and if she complains again tell her to do one and if she wants total peace and quiet go live in a field with no neighbours!

KittyKrap · 09/06/2016 10:19

*Not Metallica..........

Judas Priest*
Slayer. Definitely Slayer.

bobbinpop · 09/06/2016 10:33

Yes get a trampoline!!! Best outdoor toy ever. Do not make ANY more changes to your life to accommodate these horrendous demands!

I'm so sorry they've made your lives so unnecessarily stressful. You sound LOVELY and so do your children. What horrible neighbours you have.

Maybe practise some phrases that you can repeat whenever they complain, so you don't have to think on your feet. Choose something that states that ordinary family life is not quiet and you don't wish to discuss it further. Then repeat; do not engage in pointless dialogue with them as they are clearly unreasonable and will upset you.

Flowers
Oldraver · 09/06/2016 10:36

I wouldn't bother with the trellis, trampoline netting is a much better screen.

Put the trampoline back up...that will stop her nosing over the fence, you could get one of the trampoline tents so she couldn't see your DC's then...protect them from her beedy eyes

Oldraver · 09/06/2016 10:38

PS...I've always tried to be very considerate as to where I place a trampoline as to minimise fuss for a neighbour....this woman doesn't deserve that

I would be telling her to back off first and any more complaints I would consider harrassment

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