AIBU to be incredibly bothered by neighbours complaint?

[user1465383488]

We have lived in our house very happily for the last thirteen years. For the last five years we have been living next to very fussy neighbours. A couple in their thirties,No kids,no pets ,she does yoga in her garden,bakes from home and cycles around in an old fashioned big wheeled bike with a basket full of fresh bread and flowers.He works all day and seems very quiet. A perfect couple I guess.
We have six children here aged between 8 months and 13 years. The eldest two have special needs (autism /mobility problems)
We've always been super aware of not making noise to annoy anyone . The kids with the SN are in the furthest side of the house so occasional meltdowns have at least four or five walls between them and the neighbours.
Problems started three years ago when she knocked to say one of our dogs barked when I left her to do the school run and disturbed their breakfast . I was apologetic and took steps to stop that..training,plug ins,radio, recorded her etc and it stopped.
Then a few months later she hung out of her window on two mornings shouting at us for closing our gate too loud at 8.45am waking her up as she..and I quote " goes to bed late and has every right to sleep in with her windows wide open and not be disturbed" .
She made my then 8 year old cry and the kids creep out paranoid every morning to the car not daring to even speak.
Then we were putting a small patch of decking down and using a small battery drill to screw the planks in at 6 pm on a Saturday.She pops her head over asking if we could stop as they wanted to have dinner in the garden . And we did 😐
Next week she pops over again asking if we could keep our voices down as she was reading when it was just me,hubby and the two eldest out on the patio planting flowers.
Since then I've been paranoid. I dont let the kids play outside before 10 am or after 6.30 ish. If they're stupidly noisy they get brought in,I took the trampoline down because the neighbour moaned.We don't ever play music, the youngest kids are all in bed before 8 and the big three are quiet then and there's never any noise overnight. I don't ever open our bedroom window incase the baby cries through the night as the neighbours Window next to our room is wide open.
I stand out with the dogs in the morning and night so they don't bark and during the day if they start barking they're called in.When I go out they're in the far side of the house .
I "thought" we were being pretty considerate.
Apparently not.
Last weekend whilst the kids were in the paddling pool playing and actually being pretty quiet tbh both of them flew to the fence and started screaming about how we were ruining their lives, she sits crying at the noise we make. We have no consideration and should be ashamed of ourselves as parents etc. They went completely nuts and I told them we did our best but they didn't believe me, hubby at this point stood up and told them to back off as our kids were watching.
Since then my autistic son hasn't slept, he won't go outside. I am paranoid beyond belief. I won't even let the kids go into the two rooms on the neighbours side in the morning and am making them eat their breakfast in a different room 😐 I'm constantly shhhhhhing and trying to stop my 3 and 4 year olds running around all day and I can't face even letting the little ones play or my dogs outside. I'm even getting hubby to leave work to do the school runs whenever I can so I don't have to leave the dogs incase they bark.
It's causing great stress with me and hubby who thinks we should just ignore them and carry on our lives as we were. He is furious I'm so bothered what they think . I really don't know what to do !

Tell em to feck off!! And then live exactly as you want to.

And I thought our neighbour was bad! We have now got to the stage were we just ignore each other but we've been told off for having a BBQ, building work (she's had a go at the other side to her as well), skips on the drive, skips on the road, anyone who dares to park outside her house (not blocking drive)......

I'm waiting for the next complaint and she will be getting a firm but polite 'do one love'

You will never win with these people. Ignore and get on with your life

Do we share neighbours...

Put those sharp strips (the kind used to deter cats) on top of your fence as a little welcome for next time she sticks her head over :-)

We had neighbours like this. The thing I learnt is that you can never be quiet enough to satisfy them. They don't want to hear less noise. They want to hear no noise. Ever.

Mine claimed she was on medication because of the stress our noise created. They complained about DH leaving for work before 7.00 because the noise of his car woke them up. The bloke even went beserk at DH for shovelling snow off our elderly neighbours path too loudly

Op - this is what I would do:

I would mentally make a list of what I consider to be reasonable. So
quiet before 8 am
quiet after 10 pm
DIY only during daytime
no mowing lawn at 8 am on saturday

That sort of thing.

I would do this so that I had it clear in my own mind exactly what is reasonable and what isn't. Then I would put the trampoline back, I would make sure it wasn't against their fence, and I would practice a sentence of two for when she next complains, so I have it ready to stand up to her.

Then, I would tell your kids that the council says you are all allowed to play as normal and make normal noise, and it is fine, and remove all restrictions.

If she persists, I would put something in writing to her, to tell her to back off as she is upsetting your kids.

I am sorry, but she is being really unreasonable. Kids are kids, they make noise, they are loud. Stop tip toeing around and just live your life. Ignore her and just get on with life. She can deal with it or move.

Yeah, i may be harsh but why should the kids have to be anxious in their own homes?

OP, you've had some fab advice here, and I hope it's enough to deal with these bullies.

The only thing I would suggest is forget Metallica.

Rammstein, every time. Loud, German, Industrial Metal

Yeahhhhhhhhhh MUMSNET PARTYYYYYYYYY

Seriously though I think the letter fromrestless is perfect.

As for moving to the countryside ha ha ha

Friend has just got new neighbours in her tiny village with lots of working farms. She popped round to say Hi to them, the first thing they asked after the Hi's was 'Is it always so loud. . .'

I suggest babymetal.

On the back of this thread my children are in the garden still. They aren't shrieking or being loud.

Snorepatrol, We are a mixed family with 5 kids. I know what you mean about being judged. But in Spain we were constantly complemented on our lovely big family. People would often stop and comment in restaurants and bars about how lovely and well behaved they were and how lucky we were to have 5 such beautiful and healthy children. Its such a shame that people in this country have to be so derogatory about large families.

Just be mindful of what discussions you end up having with the neighbour - if you ever come to sell, you'll need to declare any disputes with the neighbours. I am super sensitive to noise... so we moved to a detached property. Sounds like your neighbours probably need to do the same!

She is bullying you, pure and simple. When she and her OH moved in, they must have known there was a family with children next door. It's not unreasonable for kids to play in a garden and run around screaming. I haven't got kids and have NO maternal instincts but as far as I'm concerned, that's what kids do. It's healthy and positive noise. There isn't anything healthy or positive about her behaviour. Can you get CCTV on your own garden and record her next outburst? Cos to me, what she is doing is harassment, but you need to be able to prove it.

You're supposed to declare disputes but our evil old neighbours we had to report to the police never declared us :)

You are being bullied, you have been too passive in going along with what they want, while they are being very aggressive. You need to stand up for yourself. you are being reasonable, they are not. I have been there and done that. Make lots of noise til they move out :)

You sound like lovely and considerate neighbours compared to mine. I'd love to live next door to a family like yours. She is being way over-sensitive!

"Here is what you should do

Go round and ask to speak to her for 5 minutes. Say you have been thinking a lot about the situation the other day and their behaviour.
Say your children are now frightened and disturbed by witnessing shouting and anger.
You realise now that you had conceded too much in the interests of neighbourly relations but you understand now nothing will be enough to stop their complaints. Therefore you resume living as a normal respectful family and will not be available to hear any further noise complaints. You hope she understands your position clearly and hope they can move past this, but you will not accept further bullying or aggression.

Call out the bully. They often go away when they realise you'll stand up to them.

However. It takes a lot of guts!"

Brilliant suggestion

The countryside is indeed loud. Combines, tractors, hedge cutters, howling dogs, lambs being weaned, cattle, crowing, swallows nesting are surprisingly noisy, strimmers. In fairness though what woke me at 4:20 this morning was my cat.

The letter Restless has drafted is excellent, firm but reasonable and contains nothing that could be construed as offensive. I would also include something along the lines of "due to the frequency and confrontational nature of your complaints, and the distress that this has caused our children, we have already taken the following noise reduction measures in an attempt to avoid any further unpleasantness" followed by a list of all the things you mention in the OP that you've done to accommodate them. I think it's important to make it clear that you've gone above and beyond as a result of their bullying tactics. Keep a copy so that you can share it with EH or the police if the situation escalates.

Sorry I haven't RTFT and you have it far worse than I do with my moaning Minnie in our block but I contacted the council and was able to lodge a harassment complaint after being advised by the noise pollution team to do so.

I haven't heard anything for a few weeks from her now - may be worth a try?

Bunychops

I was showing a house viewing for friends in our village, it is on a quiet road, little traffic.

Across the road the people were having some garden maintainence done, bit of mowing and workers had a radio on, you could just hear it when we were out the front garden. Now this was across the road and up a long drive, house I was showing was back off the road behind a big hedge and small lawn... woman I was showing round asked if it was always so noisy in this street! Her husband looked mortified needless to say they didnt buy it.

I would write them a letter detailing all of the concessions that you have made already, the effects they've had on your kids and telling them that you view their recent comments as harassment of you and your children. Tell them that it is clear from their recent comments that they are prejudiced against your family and that if they persist you will be contacting the police or seeking legal advice.

Make your letter very formal. If you have any friends who are lawyers or similar ask for help wording it. If you can afford it I'd be tempted to pay a solicitor to write to them.

Your family sounds lovely and you need to be able to relax in your own home. I've had horrid neighbours in the past and know how horrid and invasive if can be. Forget the twunts as much as possible.

littlepippip Wed 08-Jun-16 17:16:36

Its very nice of you to be so thoughtful and considerate with your neighbour, could you knock on and invite her around for a cup of tea and a chat? she's obviously got some sort of noise phobia and she is entitled to some quiet time on occasion I think. Sometimes people with lots of kids and pets don't realise how noisy they can be, but we are all entitled to be noisy sometimes just not all the time. Perhaps you can talk to her about some sort of compromise like making Sundays a quiet day? but explain to her with such a big family its hard to be quiet all the time as kids will be kids etc... At the end of the day they are your neighbours and you have to try to make peace with them or it will make your life hell! Good luck

After 5 years of being p'd about by this woman, moving her fence without permission, threatening kids and generaly doing what she pleases and expecting nobody to be up and about while she is still in her bed at 9am with the window open on the street side of the house ([shock} and being an all round entitled unpleasant bitch (and her oh too) OPs kids creeping about in fear that they will be screamed at in their own garden???....

This crazy woman wants silence ALL the time, did you read what she called OP's child? Kids playing in their own garden isnt ruining her life, she is doing that herself with her crazy expectations or utter silence at all times.

If some witch had made my kids cry just because they opened their front gate I am damm sure I wouldnt be offering her a hot beverage!

Naaa the time for tea and biccies is well past, time for anti harrassment measures and big fat instruction to "sit on your thumb and spin"

Environmental health are not a huge help in my experience.
My mum, in her 80s at the time, had a complaint made by the flat downstairs about her having her TV too loud.
It was awful. The EH sent letters and more letters, letters that said she could be evicted if it went on. They arranged to interview her at her flat- I was there- she had to demonstrate how loyd she had her TV.They agreed it was reasonable but said if it was upsetting the neighbour they had to take it seriously. There were more letters- every time this man complained. My mum was old and not well and scared by it all. I tried everything and EH were sympathetic but just unhelpful- acting on his complaints. It came to a head when they set up sound monitoring equipment in his flat over a period of time and could not record anything. He then said my mum knew and had kept the TV down. EH sent two people, one to my mum's flat and one to his. The one in my mum's flat turned the TV up and up until it was ridiculous- that was when it registered on the equipment downstairs. They told him he was unreonable and that they would not be taking any further action- it took 18 months. He put letters through my mum's door and banged on her door late at night when she was in bed complaining about the TV- wasn't even on. Started another campaign with EH. She stayed with us one weekend and when we took her home there were three notes from him complainng about the TV. I let DH go down and be large and very clear with him at that point and that stopped it. He moved soon after. Don't know whether he was crackers, a bully or what. Very stressful. Don't give into them OP. The more you do the harder it will be to live normally. They are twats.

My neighbours (the same ones who told me to shut up when their DC was small when I was shouting in my garden during the day) routinely hammer/drill and play music to the early hours. God knows where there forever screaming child is during this!

Please don't tread on eggshells for these idiots

Hadn't RTWT when I posted a min ago - Restless's letter is perfect. Send it immediately!!