To not want to celebrate my 50th birthday with DH family

[Numbkinnuts]

Approaching the big one and cannot really be bothered about having a party or anything special on the day. Myself and DH are going away later in the year without the children. In my mind I would rather keep my hard earned cash to spend on myself and not on others.

Anyway DH family , yes I suppose their are mine after 25 years keep going on about how I am going to celebrate. Well a couple of things - If I was going to have a ' family do' then it would be on my terms with my siblings . My parents died many years ago. Secondly I am bored with family celebrations with DH family. Birthdays and Christmas is always a big thing with them and I dread them. I don't have a good relationship with MIL for staters.

It looks like however arrangements are being made to have joint celebrations with DH family some of whom share ( not significant birthdays ) around same time. I can't think of anything worse and am already thinking of excuses

It's my birthday AIBU to not want to celebrate it like this ?

Tell them you're having a spa day with friends, or renting a cottage, or something like that. (You don't have to do it. In fact, it might fall through at the last minute, because one of your friends is ill.)

Then be unavailable the weekend before and after that, so if there is a joint celebration, it is too far away from your day for it to relate to you.

I spent my 50th this year in bed with shingles. You could pretend to have a lurgy.

Yanbu to want one important day, and one day in probably years of compromise, to be about what you actually want to do rather than appeasing your partner's family.

Is your dh supportive of your feelings on this?

I'd just be saying 'no, I want a quiet one, dh and i doing something later in year' it's your birthday you get to do what you want.

Tell the children you would like a meal out at your favourite restaurant just you DH and the kids!

"It looks like however arrangements are being made to have joint celebrations with DH family some of whom share ( not significant birthdays ) around same time."

I don't understand. Arrangements are being made by who? Surely with a big birthday you tell your DH what you want to do and that's that? And when people ask you what you are doing you tell them, and that's that? Why would anyone feel they could organise something for you that you don't want and why do you need excuses to get out of it? Just say no, surely?

YANBU to want to celebrate your birthday the way you want to celebrate it but I think YABU to be so cutting about things.

I think there's way more going on here that meets the eye and perhaps your 50th birthday is a time to do some life housekeeping so to speak and get rid of the anger.

Is your actual birthday on a weekend? If you think that they are planning something on your actual birthday then I would say now that you won't be coming as the actual day you plan to spend doing x, maybe with one of your siblings. / immediate family and you want a low key day. They are welcome to arrange something for a different day.

If it would be a date near your birthday then I would try to grin and bear it and mentally tick it off as family duty done for that side of the family for that week/ month/ year. Refuse to be drawn into the organisation 'it is my birthday afterall'. If food is required then say you will bring the crisps.

It's your life. You choose. I spend a lot of effort socialising with DH's large family. My 50th is looming and I can't decide how I'll spend it but I will spend it alone if I want. (although am known to party so who knows?!) Happy Birthday

If on reaching the grand old age of 50 you can't celebrate it exactly as you wish, then things are pretty bad. Stand up and be heard. . . Wish you luck, I know it's not always easy.

Fifty is a good age to stand up for yourself.
Just tell them you don't want any celebrations.
Simple.

You just need to be clear; no party. There's no need to fret about it from now until your birthday. No party, make your own plans. They're really not going to care as much as you think they will.

Tell them you're too depressed about being 50 to do anything but cry in a corner and you'll therefore be terrible company and unable to come.

I am 50 later this year and this is just how I feel! I had a big party for 40 but I just want to pretend 50 doesn't exist. I'm still a young person, for goodness sake . There's no way I'm attending any party or celebration of any description. I've been making this clear for some while now and I think people are taking notice!

Seriously, stand your ground. Good luck.

The trouble is, people who love a bash to celebrate the opening of an envelope just assume you will want one too. I had my 50th earlier this year and for months beforehand I reiterated I was not having a party and would not attend if one was organised. In the end they all got the message and I had three lovely meals out with different family and friends on my terms.

Tell DH to tell them you will not attend.

"Tell them you're too depressed about being 50 to do anything but cry in a corner and you'll therefore be terrible company and unable to come.
"

That one could backfire though. The in laws may feel the need to cheer her up and arrange something to cheer her up.
I would be honest, I am a miserable old git when it comes to birthdays- fine for kids but not for adults- I don't like my own or anyone else's.

BTW- my 50s have been the best decade of my life so far!!

My 50th was fucking amazing.

My sister died at 52. I'd rather enjoy my 50s as its considerably better than the alternative.

The advantage of turning 50 is that you actually are now too old to put up with being manoeuvred into a birthday celebration you don't want.
Just talk to your husband and decide a celebration you actually want and then do it.

Actually I think I am you you musicposy as I said the same, I was going to stay in bed all day I was so depressed. I was too! But now I'm here it isn't so bad, but I would still rather be ten years younger!

You're 50. That's only about 5 years past the likely half-way point in your life. So you aren't old and its not a big deal. Meh.
But it's not a bad point to bring about change. I suggest whatever you do you do it with the smug satisfaction of knowing how much more life there is and that you will spend it being more assertive than allowing others to tell you what to do with your own birthday. If they've gone to a great deal of trouble, you could allow it to proceed, but in the knowledge that henceforth you are going to take more control.
All power to youNumkinnuts

Is your DH supportive of what you want or is he pushing you to agree to the party?

Your birthday, your choice. Very simple. Tell them No.

My family tried this. I told them I was going away for my birthday (didn't even take dh ). They all thought it was terrible, but they got over it.

Just say your trip away later in the year is your birthday celebration and you are saving your money for that - and make sure your dh is on board with this too.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Say that you don't wish to have a joint party, or any party come to that. You will celebrate when you go away with DH.

Some people find it hard to understand that not everyone loves parties for birthdays and need reminding.

I suspect the other birthday relatives may be hoping to share party costs for this joint event, I'd let them know sooner rather than later that you don't wish to be included.

YANBU but nip it in the bud. Any discussions about it make it clear that your birthday is not to be included. If need be, send an email to those organising, copying in relevant people, stating quite emphatically that your celebration is going away with your DH and nothing more.

Anything else you might end up doing can be 'spur of the moment'!

Tell them you've arranged to do something else on the day. They don't need to know that that 'something' is sitting in the garden reading a book.

It sounds as though they've clocked that you're not planning anything and have decided to arrange something for you. So let them know you've no interest in this but do it nicely, no need to be a cow about it. Sounds like they were trying to do a nice thing.

It looks like however arrangements are being made to have joint celebrations with DH family

You will be invited. You can decline.

It might, however, be more polite to pre-emptively say you have other plans.

I can thing of few things I less enjoyable than a family party. The worst things are "surprise" parties, which are deliberately designed to humiliate: an acquaintance was the victim of one, and she apparently just told everyone to fuck off out of her house, and when people wouldn't, called the police. She also, of course, changed the locks (it was her mother's doing). Top marks to her.

I think it's fine for you to want to celebrate as you like on your actual birthday. It's also ok to veto a major party just for you. But vetoing a small family celebration that's not on your birthday would just be horrible IMO. Yeah ok it might not be the best night of your life, but so long as it's not preventing you having the party you want, the right thing to do is to be a mensch, go along, smile, thank everyone etc. A big party with non family, I think would be ok to decline though.